Page 39 of Healing Bonds

She was going to have a panic attack if I didn’t calm her down.

“Take what back, baby?” I held her face, brushing my fingers against her cheeks. My nose brushed against hers.

She hesitated between short, uneven breaths and whimpers. “What I said to you—those terrible words.” She closed her eyes, and her long lashes tickled my cheek.

“We’ll figure it out,” I promised her. I would never give up on her. “Deep breaths, baby.” Her body was shaking as she fought to keep the little bit of control that she still had.

“I didn’t mean it,” she wailed, her lips trembling against mine as I brushed my lips against hers.

My heart shattered at her broken cries. Why hadn’t I gotten her help sooner? She needed a doctor, not just someone to make sure she ate food every day.

How did we get here?

The question repeated in my mind a hundred times as I soaked in her pain, her emotions… fuck, hereverything.

“I hurt you,” she whispered on a short, barely controlled breath.

“I’m okay, spitfire.” I wasn’t, but she was finally talking to me. Finally opening up. I didn’t want to hinder that. “Take a deep breath, baby. Inhale with me.” She shook her head but did as I asked, her breathing and heart rate calming slightly.

“My chest hurts. It burns with every breath. I just want the pain to stop. I want to wake up and be happy that I’m alive, but most days, I wish that I was dead. I wish that I had died with our child, so that I could be with her.”

Her admission tore me in two, and suddenly, I was fighting against everything. I fought the thought of her dying, to keep that image out of my head. I fought the idea of never holding her again, of never running my fingers through her hair or seeing her smile ever again.

“Don’t say that.” My words came out harsher than I intended, but the fear that crawled into the pit of my stomach was enough to set me into a white-hot rage. “I don’t want to live without you, Amber. Don’t you ever dare fucking make me.”

She didn’t move. Sucking in a long, slow breath, she shook against me like a leaf. “I can’t keep this from you anymore. You have to know. You have to understand that I’m already dying inside. Every day, my mind grows a little darker.”

“I’ll get you help. We can go to therapy together. I’m not letting you go, Amber. I’m never going to let you go,” I told her, meaning every word from the deepest depths of my soul.

“I don’t want to be here, Ryan! You have to let me go!” She was giving me so much whiplash. She pulled away from me, and I looked into her eyes, unsure of the woman I thought I knew.

“I’m never going to let you go,” I repeated. I moved my hands, sliding them down her thin arms, feeling goosebumps beneath my fingertips. “Get that through your thick ass head. You’re my wife, and I love you. That little girl was mine, too,” Ireminded her. “Webothlost her, and the thought of losing you too cripples me, Amber. It fuckingcripples me.”

I paused, taking a steadying breath to give myself confidence to get through this next bit. My eyes took in the broken woman on the floor in front of me. I wished like hell I could give her some of my strength.

“Give me a chance to fix us,” I begged her. “You can’t keep me in the dark and expect me to just know what you’re thinking and feeling. I’m a man, baby. I need to be told this shit,” I teased, trying my damnest to bring a smile to those lips. There was a hint of a smile on her pink lips and a warmth in her eyes that was lacking before.

There she was.It was just a flicker, but she was still in there.

“There’s so much darkness in me, Ryan, and I know you already have your own. I don’t want to burden you with mine, too.” She sniffled.

I shook my head. “Tell me everything that is going on in that pretty head of yours. Do you understand me?” She slowly nodded. “Don’t keep anything from me anymore. I can handle it. Amber, please, I can’t lose you. I’ve lost too many people I love. Don’t let this darkness consume you. Share it with me,” I pleaded.

“Everything?” she whispered, fear flashing in her expression, like she was afraid to tell me what was going on in her head. And honestly, I was afraid to know, too, but I couldn’t let her continue to suffer in silence anymore.

“Everything, baby.”

She sniffled. “I’m sorry for suggesting a divorce. I love you,” she sobbed. “I’m just so lost and so heartbroken.” She threw her arms around my neck and clung to me. Her lips brushed my neck and then my ear with gentle kisses that sent a wave of lust through my body. I tamped it down, just holding her. Justtryingto give her what she needed.

“I love you, and I wasn’t going to let you go—not without a fight,” I told her. “I even found a letter you wrote me, the last one you sent before I came home. I was going to give it to you, force you to read it so you could remember all the reasons we fought so hard to be together.”

She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed. “I don’t even remember what I wrote,” she whispered, her voice cracking.

I tightened my arms around her. “You wrote about how strong our love is. How you told me that your heart belongs to me and only me. As if I would ever let you go after everything we’ve been through.”

“My heart does belong to you.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t know why I even said anything about a divorce. I wish I could take it back.” She swallowed thickly. “Can you forgive me?” Her lips were a whisper against my neck, teasing me in the best way.

I turned my head, dropping a kiss to her cheek. “Already forgiven, spitfire. I love you too much to ever let you go or stay mad at you for too long. You know that.”

---