Page 17 of Healing Bonds

“How can I trust you after finding out for almost our entire relationship that you’ve been keeping secrets from me?” she demanded, her breathing quickening again. “And now, you want to marry me?” She laughed, wiping at the black-stained tears on her red cheeks. Her words cut me.

“Because I love you, Amber. I will tell you everything. I just wanted to protect you from the horrors I’ve witnessed. I wanted to make sure you always see me as a good man,” I pleaded, desperate for her to understand why I never told anyone but Ace about the shit I’d done, the shit I’d seen.

I wasn’t sure she could handle it. I still wasn’t sure, but I was desperate to keep her with me. And if telling her everything would do that, then damn it, I would ruin myself in her eyes.

The expression of horror on her face stole the next breath right out of my lungs. “What have you done, Ryan?” Celine whispered, and I turned to see the two girls share the same look of horror.

“I… I… uh…” Stumbling to make sense of the memories swarming in my mind, I couldn’t form a coherent sentence. Looking at the woman I was completely in love with, I didn’t want her to see this side of me. I wanted to always remain her hero, her Prince Charming, not a killer.

“Ryan, what the fuck did you do over there that has you so scared to tell me?” Amber stood, her hand on the wall for support.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to look her in the eyes and tell her that I’d taken lives—some innocent but most of them evil people. How did I tell her I had no choice when a man hid behind his own family after orchestrating the slaughter of dozens of our troops, and it was my order that had all of them killed, including his wife and children?

How did I explain that without becoming the villain? How did I make her understand it was them or me?

The silence was broken by a loud, high-pitched ringer from one of the phones on the dining room table. Both girls looked to the table, and relief flooded through me at the momentary break, at the chance to find the right words to make them understand.

“It’s Ace,” Celine mumbled, worry creasing her brow.

“Tell him to get his ass over here,” Amber was quick to reply.

“Are you suggesting I confront him now?” She was holding the still-ringing phone.

“Might as well have both men here.” Amber shrugged, glaring at me. I swallowed past the lump of fear in my throat. “Maybe one of them will finally tell us the truth.” Amber was still leaning against the wall, her body trembling. I was itching to hold her, to wrap my arms around her and make this all go away. I just wanted to ease her fears with a kiss, but the anger in her gaze kept me rooted to my spot, far away from my beautiful fiancée.

There was a pause, a soft creak of the floorboard as Celine moved toward the table and held the phone in her hand, staring at it with a grim look on her face.

The ringing suddenly stopped, and she held the phone to her ear. “Hey, baby. I’m at Amber and Ryan’s.” Her panicked eyesland on Amber, who nodded in encouragement. “Can you come here? There are some things we need to talk about.”

I knew he’d ask her questions now. I knew I had put him into a corner, but I had no one else to talk to. “About all the secrets you’ve been keeping from me!” she suddenly screamed, her voice bouncing off the small apartment’s walls.

She threw the phone onto the table and turned to Amber, whose arms were crossed over her chest. “Are you happy now?” Amber looked mildly amused but still pissed.

“Well, I didn’t tell you to do that.” The girls glared at each other before turning back to me.

Fuck me.

Ace, brother, I’m sorry for dragging you into my shit with me.

Chapter Seven

AMBER

I didn’t recognize the man standing in front of me. No matter how long or hard I stared, he was different. No longer was I looking at the young, carefree boy I fell in love with all those years ago. Now, staring back at me was a haunted man who had seen war and experienced parts of life that I would never be able to understand. That terrified me the most—that I wouldn’t be enough for him… that I wouldn’t be able help him keep his sanity.

His disheveled appearance kept throwing me off—from his ashen expression to the fear in his blue eyes to the absent look that followed… It was unnerving. His hands were shaking badly. He was torn between shoving them through his short, barely-there hair and reaching for me. He didn’t know what to do with them.

Every time he reached for me, I wanted to give in, to listen to my heart that was screaming for him to hold me and begging me to help him, but my mind warned me not to. It was a quiet voice that only got louder as my anger finally took control of me.

As much as I wanted to reach out and console him, to hold his hand and remind him of just how much I loved him, I couldn’t. Something was wrong. He had been keeping secretsfrom me for the past five years. If he had been keeping secrets about himself like this, what else could he be hiding from me?

And that thought terrified me.

I tried not to think about all of the other things that he could have been hiding. I wanted so badly to be able to trust him. I had to believe that the Army hadn’t changed him, but looking at him now, I knew it had. Still, that little voice in my head kept wondering if he had been with another woman while he was gone, if he had truly remained faithful to me.

I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was lost and confused. I was angry.

It was tense and silent between the three of us as we waited for Ace. Celine hadn’t stopped pacing our small living room. Her emotions were completely controlled by worry.

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