Page 38 of Healing Bonds

I spent my entire afternoon sifting through boxes of letters from the last six years, all her love poured out onto paper, and for what? To end everything we had together like this?

She had pulled me back from my own darkness, had never given up on me because of her love for me, and I would be damned if I allowed her own darkness to swallow her whole and rip her from me. She wasmywoman, and I wasn’t someone she could just push away—not after everything that we had been through up to that point. She was my spitfire, and it was time to remind her of that—time to remind her of who the hell she was, too.

I sat at the kitchen counter, moonlight illuminating the small space as I sipped on yet another cup of coffee and munched on a piece of toast. I stared at a picture of us on our wedding day on my phone. We had waited so long for that day, waited so long to finally be together. Fuck, I wasn’t letting her just leave me. I couldn’t live without her.

The lights suddenly flickered on, and there she was, standing in the hallway, her red hair in a knot on the top of her head, dressed in a light pink pajama set with matching slippers. Her arms were crossed over her breasts, enhancing them and pushing them together. She always had a way of making me want her, even when I should be wanting anything but.

“You coming to bed anytime soon?” Her eyes bounced between me and the paper next to me on the tabletop.

“No.” My voice was gruff. I didn’t want to look at her, even if I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Her words were still floating through my mind. She didn’t want me anymore. She didn’t wantus.

I couldn’t lie next to her in bed and pretend that we were okay, that my heart hadn’t been shattered this afternoon. I had seen my fair share in the Army, had lost my best friends, my brothers, but nothing hurt as much as hearing her utter the worddivorce.

Not after six years of waiting, of writing letters in the dead of night and rereading the ones she had sent over and over before bed.

I finally ripped my eyes from her and took another sip of coffee. It didn’t settle well in my stomach.

“I can’t…” She trailed off, hesitant.

“You can’t what, Amber?” I looked at her again, taking in the sadness and fear glimmering in her pretty green eyes. Eyes I’d dreamed of nights on end. Eyes that had kept me alive when all I’d wanted to do was give up.

“Sleep… I can’t sleep without you, Ryan!” she finally shouted, and a lone tear slid down her flushed cheek while her green eyes flashed vibrantly with pain and vulnerability.

I looked from her back to my cup of coffee and took a sip of the lukewarm liquid, wishing I had a beer in my hand instead.

“I can’t do this with you, Amber.” My voice sounded as tired as I felt. “I can’t figure out how to help you because all you do is push me away. You won’t even give me a chance. You won’t even put forth ten percent.”

I leaned away from the counter, letting go of my coffee cup to cross my own arms over my chest in a lame attempt to shield my heart from her shattered expression, but I was ready to crumble to the ground at her feet when a loud sob shook her small frame.

She unwrapped her arms and clutched at her chest, looking at me, those pretty eyes swimming with so many emotions and desperation. And tears. The goddamntears. “I can’t make it stop,” she whispered, tears rushing down both of her cheeks as she inched closer to me. I fought every instinct to wrap her up in my arms and do anything in my power to console her. I’d done that too many times. Now… now she needed tough love. I’d been soft with her way too long.

Just that morning, she had wanted a divorce. She wanted to end us, and I couldn’t forget those words no matter how hard I tried.

“Make what stop, Amber?” She stopped in front of me, her body trembling, that bottom lip quivering, and those beautiful eyes begged me to hold her.

I couldn’t fucking move.

“My heart aches, Ryan. It hurts to be alive,” she cried, letting her head fall against my chest. I quickly moved my arms around her and pulled her into me, losing the battle against myself. I had to hold her, to console this beautiful woman, to remind her that I was her fucking husband through sickness and health. I was hers until the day that I died. She may not have wanted to uphold her vows, but I would forever uphold mine.

“Let it out, baby. Let it all out.” I buried my face in her hair, tightening my arms around her. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.”

She raised her shaking fists to my chest and pounded, her cries bouncing off the kitchen walls. I took every hit, letting her get it out of her system. It was the most emotion I’d gotten from her in months. “This isn’t working anymore!” she screamed, her voice muffled, pain coming off of her little body in waves.

I stared over her head at my cold coffee on the counter, feeling her wet tears soak through my shirt. Her small fists continue to pound against my chest, and my arms, like a deadweight, pulled her into me, absorbing her pain and making it mine.

Eventually, her hands fell to her sides, and she whimpered, her body going slack against mine.

“I love you,” I whispered into her hair, my lips brushing against her hairline. She shook her head and cried some more.

“How could you?” she croaked, her voice raw.

“You’re my person, Amber… always have been. You were the reason I fought every day to make this world a better place for you. You’vealwaysbeen my reason. Since the moment we fucking met, spitfire.”

“No. Please no,” she pleaded, her face still pressed firmly to my chest.

We sank to our knees on the cold tile floor, and I held her to me, pulling her face up from my chest to look into her swollen, green eyes. I cupped her damp cheeks, swiping away at the tears still rolling down her face as I looked into my favorite, mossy-green eyes.

“I can’t take it back, Ryan,” she cried, eyes glazing over in pain, a new wave of tears rushing down her flushed cheeks. She hiccupped and sucked in a short breath of air, then another. Her heart was beating crazily against mine… too fast to be healthy.

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