Page 124 of Never You

“I wasn’t going to take no for an answer anyway,” he says before dropping another kiss on my lips.

38

I’m playing with the gemstones that have taken residence on the entire dining room table while I drink my morning tea. They are all kinds of bright colors, in different shapes with different meanings. My mother used to tell me how every stone had its own purpose. Aventurine, for confidence. Fluorite, for clarity. Rose Quartz, for love. When I was eight, she gave me a sterling silver necklace with a heart-shaped amethyst in the lock.

“This will protect you, wherever you go,”she said.

I have never taken it off since that moment. After the crash, I was convinced that necklace saved me, and even though it could all be in my head, it works for me. It’s part of me, and I don’t feel complete without it.

Sitting here, with all these stones in front of me, brings me back to those moments with my mother when we would search for the best stone for her jewelry line. Without thinking about it, I pair stones that I thought would look good together, then put them aside to do it again.

But only half of my attention goes into that. The other half is focused on the handsome man playing a game of catch with Lily.The smile on his face when he talks to her has me melting inside, surprised by his hidden talents as a babysitter.

“Do you love him?” My aunt walks back into the kitchen, following my gaze before she takes the chair next to me.

I freeze, wide-eyed, not sure how to respond, then put my focus back on the stones. We got rid of the elephant in the room, discussing how we want to see where this goes. If we can work. But talking about love is a whole other level.

“That's a pretty big question.”

“It’s also a pretty big feeling,” she agrees.

I stay quiet, bringing my gaze back up. Jensen throws the ball to Lily, bringing out his toned arms and his ripped physique and, instantly, my heart rate speeds up. He does that to me. Just looking at him makes my mouth turn dry and my palms sweaty.

Is that love? I don’t know.

“I don’t know what love is,” I finally say, softly.

“Huh,” she snorts. “That’s exactly what he told Nana when she asked him the same thing. I have a feeling you and him are more alike than you think.”

I snap my head toward my aunt giving me a knowing look. Her elegant face is framed by her wavy brown hair softly swinging beside her head with every move she makes.

“She asked him if he was in love with me?” I huff, embarrassed as fuck.

Leave it to my grandmother to bring out the big guns before she even catches your name.

“Come on, sweety,” she drawls as she keeps picking up stones one by one to check the quality, “you know your Nan. Did you expect anything else?”

Good point.

“Well, no, maybe not,” I mumble. Jensen is chasing Lily, who keeps running away with a salvo of happy squeals.

“Why is it you think you don’t know what love is?”

I shrug, taking a moment to think about it.

When I think of love, my parents pop into my head. How they used to steal kisses, share glances from across the room. How they argued, but also made up with that same committed look in their eyes. But I know it doesn’t always work like that. I’m not sure if you can fall in love if your heart isn’t whole in the first place.

I survived that crash, and I made a decent life for myself.

But I didn’t come out unscathed. My heart took a blow, being forced to walk through life as an orphan, and I never really recovered. My heart forever misses the biggest piece, and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to give it to anyone else.

Do I want to see where this goes with Jensen?Yes, more than anything.

But I don’t think I have the courage to place it in anyone's hands but mine. Not like Charlotte and Hunter, even though I’d love to have what they have. But I don’t think that's for me. I don’t think my heart can ever heal enough to make that possible.

I can take risks in life, and I will never decline a challenge, but I can’t live without my heart. That’s mine. That’s all I have, and I need to protect that with everything, even if it means that love for me is nothing more than a memory of my parents.

I’ve seen love; that’s enough for me if it means I get to keep the rest of my heart unharmed. But I think I can be happy with someone else.

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