Page 185 of Always You

I want to be brave once more, thinking I have nothing left to lose, but I don’t know if I can handle it again.

“I’m scared,” I confess, a tear staining my cheek. “Scared that if I give you all my secrets, you won’t stop until you have my heart. And I can’t lose that again.”

He nods, but there’s fear in his rapidly blinking eyes, his shoulders tightening.

“I know, Charls. I know.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “And I’m not going to pretend I’m here for anything else but your heart. But I’ll be working every day for the rest of my life to show you I will protect it with everything I got from this day forward. Onyourterms.Yourpace. You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready.”

“What if I’ll never be ready?” I whisper.

He looks up at me, the determination in his eyes mixed with sincerity, that wraps a blanket around my heart. “I’ll still be here waiting.”

The muscles in his neck tighten, his jaw ticking. He’s prepared to fight. To wait, wait until the end of time if he has to.

“I had a miscarriage.” Speaking the words out loud hurts, a physical pain going through my chest when I think about the life I’ve lost. But it feels liberating at the same time, setting me free as I release the secret I’ve kept to myself, even though I’ve been dying to tell him.

“What?” His eyebrows squish together, as he runs a hand through his hair in confusion.

“The day you came home, and found me in the bar. I was eight weeks pregnant. Or I was, up until that morning.”

He gets up, looking at the sky, curling his arms above his head as if breathing is too hard of a task, then locks his gaze with mine.

“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracks with emotion.

I shake my head with a bitter smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. “That wasn’t the worst part,” I confess, staring at the grass of my front yard.

I wish that was the worst part.

Normally, I enjoy the smell of fresh grass and the roses in front of my porch, but right now, my senses seem to be numb. Not registering anything other than the pain inside burning around my organs.

“It was the part where I was relieved,” I continue, not being able to control my tears any longer. “Thanking God on my bare knees for saving me, but feeling like fucking trash for thinking it. Grateful that I didn’t have to carry that burden for the rest of my life, but loathing myself at the same time.”

“What burden?”

My eyes lock with his, wanting to make sure he hears every word I’m saying. To feel the gravity of my confession, hoping he now realizes exactly how muchI’ve always loved this troubled boy.

“Looking into my child’s eyes, wishing they were yours.” His face turns as white as snow as he pulls his hair in frustration, sucking in a sharp breath.

“Charls.”

When I know he’s heard me,reallyheard me, I keep going, knowing I have to push through now. There’s no back-peddling from this.

“For four weeks, I cried my eyes out, telling people it was hormones, when really, I couldn’t bear the thought of carrying a child that wasn’t yours. And then when I lost it, I felt emptier than ever, feeling like my life wasn’t even worth living.” The tone in my voice becomes more frantic and angry with every word, yelling everything I have left to say. “Because I wondered if I killed my own child by wishing I wasn’t pregnant! But then, when my prayers were answered, I regretted every second of it. And I hate you for it. Because that should’ve been you. That should’ve been our baby!” I shout, pointing my finger at him in agony. “And now it’s too late.”

I bring my hands up, covering my face.

“It’s too late, Hunter.”

“It’s never too late, Charls,” he counters.

“How can you say that?” I bellow with frustration, my ass still firmly planted on the wood of the steps, not sure I can stay on my feet if I get up.

“Because sometimes you realize you’re too late, but you pray life is on your side, giving you another shot.”

“This is not high school, Hunter!” I give him an incredulous look, staring at his pained expression when he brings up his hands in despair.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to lose you before I realized I can’t live a fucking day without you. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I want to let you go so bad, knowing I will never be good enough for you. But I can’t. My heart stops beating when I’mnot around you. My life is nothing more than an empty vessel without you in it. I know I should’ve stayed. I’m a fucking idiot. And now I’m here trying to hold on, when you have already let go.” I keep staring at him, while my shoulders shake from the tears that come down in bucketloads. “Ever since you walked out that day, leaving me completely lost on the sidewalk, I’ve realized you’ve been my lighthouse since day one. Preventing me from crashing into the fucking rocks that life keeps throwing me. But I get it now, I see it now.” He nods.

“See what?” I push out.

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