Page 163 of Forbidden You

“What. Does. That. Mean?” I ask, a little gnarly.

“It means that living without you is way scarier than living with you. I can’t live without you, Kayla. I’ve done that for the past couple of weeks, and you’re right. The pain is unbearable, and I can’t do it. I–I…I’m not gonna say it over the phone. But I wantyou.”

I love you.

Is that what he wanted to tell me?

“I don’t even know what to say.” The man officially got me speechless.

“I fucked up, baby. I see thatnow. Let me fix it. Tell me how to fix it.” His voice breaks, and I pinch the bridge of my nose. I can feel his hurt seeping through my body, but I can’t ignore my own. I need to look out for me, because it’s clear no one else will.

“I don’t know, Bodi. A lot has happened. Weeks have gone by.”

Weeks of agony. Weeks of uncertainty. Weeks of not knowing what to do with myself, until about a week ago, I decided to fucking try. To try and live without him. I started eating again, forced myself to go for a walk every day, and after a couple days I noticed I was smiling again. It still hurts, but I’m surviving.

He doesn’t get to destroy me twice.

“Please don’t tell me it’s too late.”

“I don’t know,” I screech in full honesty, my eyes welling up. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. Just give me a chance to make it right.”

I really really want to. But I know it’s crucial for me to do this right. To not let myself get whisked away by anyone but myself.

I want Bodi. But Ineedme. I can’t lose myself over anyone else.

“I need time.”

“I understand.” His disappointment slices through my heart, and I blow out a breath. “Take all the time you need. Just don’t tell me it’s over, okay?”

The corners of my mouth lower to a pout, my lower lip quivering.

“It’s not over.” I nod. “But it’s notnotover, either. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah.” I imagine him nodding his head. “Yeah, I understand. Can we talk, though? Can I call you?”

I think about his question while I give Julie a side glance. She’s looking at me with gooey eyes, a sadness shown in her almond-shaped face.

Can he call me? I don’t know. I don’t want to see him, because seeing him will dissolve all my resolve, but his voice has a pretty magical effect on me too.

“You can text me,” I settle on.

“Okay, baby.”

“Bodi, you do realize this means nothing more than a crack in the door. Ghost me one more fucking time and it will be shut for good. Deadbolted and everything.”

He lets out a mirthless laugh. “Baby, the next time I’m ghosting you I’ll be dead.”

“That’s not funny!” Though I can sense the corner of my mouth wanting to quirk up.

“I’ll text you, baby.”

I hum in agreement, not being able to say another word, and I quickly hang up the phone at the same time my first tear falls down on my lap.

“Oh, honey. Are you okay?” Julie wraps me in her arms, and I bury my nose in her shoulder.

“No,” I sob, a whirlwind of emotions running through my body, all the tension I’ve been holding on since last night finally escaping my aching muscles.

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