He puts the kitten on the floor. It wobbles around, legs wobbly and uncertain, slowly meandering towards me.
I swallow harshly, rooted to the spot.
He nods to the kitten. "Stay. Play." And then he tilts his head to the couch I was sitting on before casually continuing up the staircase towards our room, leaving me in his absence, with a consolation prize.
I lift the fluffy white animal up with one hand, her belly the size of my palm, legs dangling over my fingers. Warmth spreads through me as soon as I feel the soft, fragile thing wriggle and a little meow squeak from her.
I study her. She has heterochromia, just like me. I smile despite the discomfort I have for Clay; she makes me happy. She somehow looks like me. White hair. One green eye and one blue.I'll protect her.
I squeeze her to my chest, and look at the empty staircase, wanting to tell him how she makes my skin warm. How I'll love her, will look after her. How responsible I will be for her.
But he's not available…
I sigh. When it's about me, when my demons are surfacing and toying with our lives, he is like the sun.
Shining on me. I'm the only person in the entire world. But when it's about him, it's an eclipse, and everyone is in the dark, without warmth.
I remember when he tried to leave me after the incident at the pool, when he told me the fate of my brothers, after he took revenge on Lee in some horrific way. He tried to leave me in the dark then too. It was only my own pathetic drama that held him grounded to me. He placed my pain over his need to escape into whatever stoic façade he depends on to survive the evil in his life. Even now—I gaze at the little creature—he ensures I have company, affection…
Aurora stands up, reading me as my eyes flick to linger on the empty staircase where his dark, sad presence still resides. "Follow him up," she says without hesitation.
I drag my longing focus away from the direction he walked and meet her beautiful brown eyes. "He bought me a cat, Aurora. A white cat. My mum would have said she symbolises purity and innocence. She's good luck."
Aurora looks at the kitten, not at all swooned by its presence as I am. "Let's hope she is."
I tuck the kitten under my neck, her pearly fur brushing along my throat and jaw while she wriggles around in my hands. "I can't go after him. He told me to stay."
"He doesn't know what he wants right now. Go up there and collect his clothes, shoes, everything he wore tonight. Put his clothes straight into the machine?—"
I speak through a shake of my head, still picturing the blood all over his shirt, still seeing the violence in each slash of crimson. "I don't think he wants me to bother him."
She goes on as though I never spoke. "Join him in the shower. Remind him you're there. Let him be raw with you."
A sad scoff leaves me. "He won't let himself?—"
"Fawn." She steps towards me, getting close enough that I need to arch my neck to stare up at her, a flawless beauty, and my completeopposite—olive skin and dark liquor-coloured eyes. A regal expression laced in wisdom far beyond her thirty-something years. She tucks a blonde hair behind my ear, saying, "Just let him know hecan be… when he's ready."
My heart seems to vibrate in my throat when her soft fingers skate along my cheek. I swallow around the sensation, whispering, "Is that whatyouwould do?"
She eyes me closely. "If I wereyou,yes. He's very considerate to take care ofyou." She glances at the ball of wriggling fluff. "Even when he can't do it himself."
He is.I snuggle into the fumbling thing at my neck. "Do you love Clay?" I ask, the words slipping out unexpectedly and breathy.
She smiles. "With everything I am. But not in the way that willeveraffect your relationship with him."
The idea of disobeying him stirs inside me, a hot medley of both thrill and fear and disrespect. Not because I'm concerned; he'd never hurt me—I don't think—but disappointing him would be the worst feeling imaginable.
"Use your voice, little deer."
I want to be therightwoman for him. Like Luca said. I place my kitten on the floor. "What about her?"
"I'll have Que organise a playpen for her."
Que, Jasmine's dad and Clay's Houseman, lives here so he is always prepared for what might be requested.
Looking at the kitten one last time, I nod my understanding, because he's using the kitten to distract me, and no matter how much I love her, I love him endlessly more.
He can't pull an adorable fluffy wall over my eyes when he obviously needs me. So I wander up the stairs, leaving Aurora andThe Secret Garden,and my kitten behind for tomorrow.