Page 17 of The Fake Family Deal

Suddenly, I’m doubting that any of this can work at all.

She doesn’t stay in the end, instead choosing to get Lila home to try and get her to sleep again. If only I’d been able to get our conversation out of the rut it was in. But I just kept putting my foot in it, making her realize exactly how different we are.

As she leaves, I think about kissing her on the cheek to say goodbye, but decide against it. We’re notreallymarried, after all. We barely even like each other.

I close the door behind her, and breathe out.

This is going to be a long three weeks.

CHAPTER 10

MARINA

No amount of rocking is helping. No amount of food or blankets or gentle cuddles is stopping Lila from crying around the cameras.

There are just too many people here, all bustling around and making a lot of noise with their big machines. Actually, if anything, I’m amazed at how small film cameras are these days. The vision in my head of a TV set is one of 1950s cameras on stands and canned laughter from a fake audience. But these cameras are incredibly modern, and all of the people behind the scenes are incredibly friendly and professional.

I can tell they’re starting to get tired of the baby crying, though. They all want to start the shoot, and Lila just won’t settle.

Ellis comes up to me, and I think he’s going to complain, so I take a deep, steadying breath. Instead, he says, “Why don’t you see if she’ll go to sleep in the nursery? We don’t have to start with Lila with us — they’re going to edit it all anyway. We can start with just us until we get the lay of the land.”

It’s actually a helpful suggestion, and I nod in agreement, relieved to have a plan.

I wander over to the director, Lila wailing in my arms, and say to him, “I’m going to see if she can settle. I’ll be right back.”

Simon grunts in vague acknowledgement, and I hurry off, carrying Lila with me.

“Baby, I know this is no fun,” I say to her gently as I lay her down. “It’s no fun for me either, I promise. I wishIcould wail like you.”

I tuck the blanket around her, brushing my thumb over her face. The nursery the designers have prepared is a little too princessy for my taste, but I’m not going to complain. This is the best crib Lila could ever dream of sleeping in.

She makes a face at me as I try to calm her down. “Just three weeks of this, my love,” I whisper. “Three weeks and this hell will all be over. We can do it. You and me together, just like always.”

She closes her eyes in what I can only imagine to be agreement.

Eventually, she dozes off, so I quietly get up and head back to the living room to join the crew. Ellis raises his eyebrows in a question, and I nod in response.

“All right,” says Simon with a dramatic sigh. “Are we finally ready now?”

Out of everyone, he has been by far the least accommodating. It’s like nothing we do is good enough for him, and nobody is on his artistic level — as if he’s being made to suffer by directing B-grade reality shows instead of whatever high art he wishes he was doing. I’m not sure if he’s in on the lie between me and Ellis, so I haven’t said anything that would give us away.

He must think we’re so weird.

“All right, mother and father both here. Great. Why don’t we just start nice and easy? I’m sure you’ve all seen shows like this before; the format’s pretty standard. We’re just going to need a few little candid inserts for the voiceover, so why don’t we start with that? You know, warm up, get a sense for the way you act, the cues and placements and stuff. Does that sound all right?”

Ellis and I both nod, almost nervously.I’mdefinitely nervous, anyway. I have no idea what I’m doing.

“All right,” says Simon, not smiling. “Why don’t we start in the kitchen? Let’s look as if you’re making lunch together.”

I bite my tongue to stop myself from sayingbut it’s only ten a.m.I somehow don’t think that would help.

We get up, followed by the cameras, and immediately as we enter the kitchen, I open the fridge. I don’t want to do any actual cooking in front of TV cameras — not because I can’t cook, but I don’t want the pressure of getting it wrong and knowing this footage is going out to the world.

Fortunately, at least one of Ellis’s staff has had the foresight to stock his fridge with some basic groceries. I look at it for a second, assessing options for salads and sandwiches. Quickly, I make a decision and grab the loaf of bread and jar of jelly, and decide to go hunting for the peanut butter.

It’s an American classic, the PB and J. I can’t go wrong with this.

Ellis stands awkwardly still next to me, like he’s waiting for orders.

---