Page 72 of Cuts Like an Angel: Part 2

“William?” Carly frowned at them both and Rosie sank back in the chair as if she wished it would swallow her whole. Maybe it would. Maybe it would swallow exactly what she said and take it out of the universe.

“I … I mean Josh. Shit,” she barely said. “Sorry. I’m ….”

Carly looked at them both. “Explain it to me.”

Josh rolled his eyes and shook his head. “She wants me to be William. That’s all. I don’t want to be William. William is an asshole.”

“She wants you to be William? Or you are William?”

“I'm Josh,” he said. “I never want to be William again.”

He could feel the heat rising in his chest and up along his neck until his head was too hot and his mind was lost somewhere. He felt like he was floating. Floating like a ball of lead in a puddle of water. Murky water. Somewhere there was an echo. Maybe it was Rosie, or Carly, or both. He didn’t quite know and couldn’t quite grasp on to either. He felt his mouth moving, but he didn’t know what he was saying. His eyes glossed and suddenly he realised, he wasn’t actually real. Nothing was real. Not this moment, not him, not them. Everything went in slow motion.

Closing his eyes, Josh put his hands to his face and tried to stop the room from swaying. “Can I go now?” he said, hating how pathetic his voice sounded, his words loaded with William.

“I’d like it if you stayed, William.”

“William is gone.”

“Can I talk to him?” Carly was still sitting on the chair, but she had moved to the edge of her seat. Her notepad was down, her hands were resting on her knees.

“You say that like I have some split personality,” Josh said. He took in a breath, breathing in for the count of five, holding it for five and then letting it go for five. It was the secret code to the William lock. Five, five, five … like he was almost not the devil inside him. Just a digit below.

“No. I am asking to speak to the real you.”

“I’ll just summon him then, shall I?” Josh held his hands out at the sides of him, his finger and thumb pinched. “Come out thee William. Come forth and speak to us.” After a moment, Josh opened his eyes again and shook his head. “Says he is busy.”

“William, stop it,” Rosie said, her face pained as she looked at him. “Just talk to us. Talk to Carly.”

“I don’t want to talk. Talking doesn’t do anything.” It just created more shit in his head. If he kept his mouth shut and everything inside, he could be fine. They all would.

“I need you to be real with me.” She stood and came before him. She lifted her hand to his face and cupped his cheek the way she always seemed to when he needed comfort. Like she knew. “I want my William back.”

“William is bad,” Josh said.

“No, he’s mine and I love him.”

“He ruins everything.”

“He makes me happy.”

“He makes you cry,” Josh argued, frustrated.

“No,” Rosie said. “I cry for him, not because of him. Let me help. Let Carly help.”

Josh backed away from Rosie and his legs hit the sofa behind him. He sat down, but didn’t look at either of the women. Instead, he leaned his elbows on his knees and pressed his knuckles into his temple. “I make everything bad.”

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