Page 70 of My Vows Are Sealed

“I mean, not like you can’t get your girl to take care of one of those problems tonight,” he chuckled. “I know I’m going to make sure Nay and I get some quality time in later.”

As glad as I was that Alex and Naomi had finally come to their senses and started dating last year, I didn’t know why the man felt the need to tell me every single detail of their private life. I’d learned way more than I ever wanted to know about my best friend’s sex life ever since they’d started sleeping together.

“And you felt the need to announce it because?” I snapped. “I still have to look Naomi in the eye at church tomorrow. I don’t need to know that shit.”

“Dude, stop and take a breath,” Alex said, grabbing my arm in a death grip.

I stopped walking and spun to look at him, fuming. He was lucky I wasn’t the violent type, because if I was, I definitely would have taken a swing at him right about now.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked. “This isn’t like you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” I spat. “I just don’t need to hear about your goddamn sex life, okay?!”

I swore I could physicallyseethe lightbulb turning on over Alex’s head. His eyes widened, he let go of my arm, and his expression changed from combative to sympathetic in an instant.

“Brendan, you could have told me you and Darla hadn’t…” he trailed off, sighing. “I’d never judge you for that. I know I gave you hell in high school for being a choir boy, but that was before Nay and I got together. If we’re being honest, IwishI’d waited for her like you’re waiting for Darla.”

“But youdidn’twait,” I pointed out.

It wasn’t so much that I wanted to wait for marriage with Darla. It was that I needed to wait until she was ready. Untilshemade the move. I didn’t want to feel like I’d pressured or forced her into being intimate with me even a little bit. For her entire life, she’d been told to act a certain way, to dress a certain way, to talk a certain way. She could barely even breathe without her father’s say-so. And I refused to be another person who forced her into doing something she wasn’t completely okay with.

“I’m not talking about waiting for marriage,” he clarified as he started to walk toward where we’d parked our cars. “I couldn’t care less about hearing a minister say some fancy words and signing a piece of paper. I’m talking aboutcommitment.Love. I never realized how different sex would be with someone I loved. If I’d known, I damn well would have waited and not lost it with a girl I’d only been on two dates with when I was fifteen years old. To tell you the truth, I was scared shitless when Nay and I took that step the first time.”

“What? Why?” I asked, completely confused.

At least he’d had some frame of reference for what the hell he was doing. That was more than I’d have when the time came with Darla.

“It wasn’t my first time, but itwashers,” he told me. “I was scared of hurting her, and I wanted more than anything to make sure it was good for her. I think it’s the first time Iwasn’ta selfish asshole in that department, actually. Again, it’s different with someone you love. You actually give a shit about their needs too.”

I sighed. If I was being honest with myself, I was a little grateful that Darla and I hadn’t taken that step yet, because I was worried about all of those things too. Really worried. I didn’t want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable, and I wanted to make sure it was good for her. She had so much pain in her life already, and I was supposed to be the one who made it better, not the one who caused it.

But I had no idea hownotto hurt her. I had no idea what a woman needed when it came to sex, because the one time I’d tried to go on the Internet at the library and look at anything having to do with the subject…well, what I found was way too graphic for my comfort. The only woman I ever wanted to see that much of was Darla, whenever she was ready for me to see that much of her. So I’d closed out of my search and just figured I’d fumble my way through it like every other inexperienced guy on the planet. They’d all managed somehow before the Internet was a thing, right?

“It’s up to her when it happens, but I’m worried about that too. All of it,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks heat with embarrassment. I couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation.

“Being nervous is normal, man. Did you notjusthear me say I was nervous? But I can tell you this much. You don’t have anything to be scared of. You love her and she loves you. So much it’s a little sickening to watch. That’s the most important thing.”

“I just…I have no idea what she’ll need and how to make sure I don’t hurt her. I’m going in blind, and I don’t know where to even start.”

“It might sound cliché, but you feel your way through it. You take it slow and you pay attention to how she’s responding and take cues from it. And there’s nothing wrong with reminding her that it’s new for both of you and that she needs to help you out a little and let you know what you’re doing right or wrong.”

“Right, because that’s not awkward or anything.”

“Oh, it’sgoingto be awkward. Partiallybecauseyou’ve waited this long. Because you’ve actually forced yourselfnotto take that step so many times instead of just letting it happen. When you do let it happen, it’ll change everything. That’s just a fact. But acknowledging the awkwardness is way better than both of you pretending it’s not there.

“And as for not hurting her? You need to make sure she’s wet enough before you just go diving in, and stretch her out a little with your fingers first. Start with one and work up to two. It’ll hurt her like hell if she’s not ready for you. The first time’s going to hurt her regardless, at least a little, but taking it slow and preparing her beforehand will help to minimize it. I learned that the hard way. Thankfullynotwith Nay,” he chuckled awkwardly. “Oh, and maybe make sure you have condoms at your place. Then you won’t be caught unprepared.”

I snorted. “Took care of that when I first moved in. I wasn’t sure if knowing we had our own space would make her feel differently about it. It didn’t, and I’m okay with that, but they’re there whenever she’s ready.”

“Just remember those things have expiration dates. If it doesn’t happen for a while,” he snickered, nudging my shoulder. “But all joking aside, you’re a good guy. Nay won’t tell me much about what’s going on with Darla at home, but I know it’s not good, and I know how glad she is that Darla has you.”

“Truth? I bought a ring before I even moved into my apartment. It was the first thing I saved up for. I’m just waiting for the right time to ask her,” I admitted. “I know how young we are, but I have to get her out of that house.”

Alex’s eyes widened. “Is her dad…is he hurting her?”

“It’s not my place to tell you. I wish I could, but I can’t. All I can say is that even if we end up living on ramen noodles while she’s going to college, living with me will be a better and more stable environment for her.”

“Well, you realize I’m calling the best man slot, right?” he said, smiling a little. “Nate’s a little young.”

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