Page 30 of My Vows Are Sealed

Right?

This was all so confusing, and I felt like I didn’t even know which way was up anymore.

I couldn’t even tell how long it had been when my father finally showed up in the office. His face gave nothing away, but I could tell he was fuming, and this was always when he was the most terrifying. Because I knew all of his anger and rage was bubbling just beneath the surface.

Before saying a single word, he turned around and closed the blinds on his office door, then went to shut the curtains in the window. The only light in the room was a little sliver of sunlight that peeked through between the two curtains and cast a menacing glow on his face, making his eyes look almost red.

“I gave you specific instructions,” he said, his voice low but deadly. “I told you that you were not to speak to anyone unless an elder spoke to you. Socializing with your friends is a privilege that you have not earned back yet. You do not come to the house of the Lord to socialize. You come here to be nourished by His Word. I’m sorry I have to do this, but it’s for your own good, so you’ll learn not to stray from His path.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” I sniffled. “I just didn’t want to upset Nathan. He’s too little to understand.”

“‘Trust in theLordwith all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding!’” he growled. “It’s not up to you to question my directives. You are toobeymy fucking commands! Now, stand up.”

A knot formed in my stomach as I slowly rose to my feet.

As my father started to unfasten his belt and slowly pull it out of his beltloops, bile rose in my throat. I knew what was coming, because it had happened more times than I could count.

“Turn away from me and pull up your skirt,” he ordered. “Since taking a vow of silence isn’t teaching you your lesson, you leave me no choice. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”

I did as instructed, turning toward the couch, pulling my skirt up over my behind, and bending down to grip the arm of the sofa. I felt my father come to stand behind me, and he yanked down my underwear, leaving my behind exposed.

“You are not allowed to scream,” he warned. “You are not allowed to alert anyone else to what’s happening. Your discipline is a private family matter, and it doesn’t concern anyone else.”

And with that, a sharp sting coursed through my entire body as his leather belt connected with my bare butt. I bit my lip to muffle my cry and squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears.

“You’ve fallen in with the servants of Satan,” he huffed out, like he was out of breath.

Another sting as he hit my other butt cheek.

“You’ve allowed yourself to succumb to the desires of the flesh,” he panted.

This time, the belt cracked over both of my butt cheeks at once, and I groaned quietly, biting my lip so hard that I was surprised I hadn’t drawn blood, while my knuckles turned white from their grip on the sofa.

“You’ve directly disobeyed my directives and disregarded my instructions. And…”

I swear this lash was twice as hard as the rest of them, and it made my entire backside burn and sting with pain. I had no idea how I was supposed to sit in that uncomfortable pew for another hour today, because he’d insisted that my mother and I be present forbothservices. Apparently he thought we needed to hear his message about “the rod of discipline” twice.

“You’ve forced me to do this. This is no one’s fault but your own, because you chose to disobey me and rebel against the ways of the Lord.”

Wait, what? How had I rebelled against the ways of the Lord? I wasn’t drinking. I wasn’t doing drugs. I wasn’t sneaking out of the house. I wasn’t dating anyone behind his back or having sex. I’d never evenkisseda boy, for goodness’ sake!

Was starting to think for myself rebelling against the ways of the Lord? Because that was the only thing I could think of that I’d done differently lately. I’d stopped just blindly accepting everything he said as gospel and started looking at things logically.

“Pull up your underpants and pull down your skirt,” he barked. “And by the time you come back into the service, I’d better not see even a single tear. You are notallowedto be upset. I didn’t like doing that, but you’ve brought this on yourself.”

With that, he turned around and left his office.

I slowly stood up and pulled my underwear back up over my butt, hissing at the sting of the coarse fabric against my raw and sore skin. I tried to sit back down on the couch, but I couldn’t help the quiet yelp that escaped me when I tried to put pressure on the swollen, tender area where he’d just spanked me. So instead, I laid down on the couch, curling up into a ball, as I allowed the tears to come.

This couldn’t have been what the Lord meant to happen. This couldn’t have been normal or right. This couldn’t have been what He meant when he told parents to use the rod of discipline with their children.

But I had nowhere to turn. No one to talk to. No one who could save me.

Jesus, help me,I begged.Please. I can’t do this by myself anymore. I can’t. I know You have a plan for my life, Lord, and for my dad’s life. Help me to see it. If it’s not Your will to take my father’s anger from him, then please give me Your strength to continue to endure it, because I’m not strong enough on my own.

Chapter 9

Darla

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