A tired smile lifted on his lips and it brightened up his whole face.
I had to push through that.
Dropping my voice to a whisper—you never know who’s listening—I shook my head. “You knocked Henry Miller around and you didn’t even stop to consider what could happen if he called thepolice?If everybody finds out, youloseeverything. You do understand that? Please—for the love of god—sayyou understand that. Because I cannotbelievethis.”
His smile widened.
“And you dragged your best friends into it—you know they do anything you ask them to! They could’ve gotten hurt—no—youcould’ve gotten hurt.” The idea of Ryan,hurt, put a lump in my throat. It was hard to talk through it. “Stupid and reckless—Henry could’ve had a knife. He could’ve had a gun!”
“I miss you,” he said, his voice low. “So much.”
“You must be the biggest goddamnshortsighteddumbass I have ever met in my life,” I snapped.
Ryan gazed at me. I looked up at him. With a deep breath, I strode over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.
Nothing about the hug with Ryan was a friend hug or the last thing you do before you break away from each other forever. He dipped down to my neck and wrapped his arms around me, bunching up the fabric at the bottom of my hoodie, grazing the inch of exposed skin. Every time he breathed, goosebumps rose on my skin.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I shook my head against his chest. “You’re not sorry about the Henry Miller situation.”
“Yeah. I’m not. But I’m not apologizing for that.” His fingers swept along my back and he tightened his hold on me. “I’m so sorry about what I said. You love art. I love you. I’d never want to take any part of you away.”
There was a catch in my breath and I needed space between us. With every second, all I wanted to say was that it was completely fine and it was okay and I would fly off with him to Nebraska or wherever but I couldn’t say that.
I broke away from him and walked back to the bleachers, sitting in the first one I saw, blocking the rest of the row. He had to sit in the one on the other side of the aisle.
Because if he sat right next to me, I would do something stupid like sit on his lap.
“I’m staying at Marrs,” he told me, taking the seat. He shifted his whole body to face me, keeping his voice quiet. “None of them know yet but I’ll transfer to Florida. If I transfer, I can get comfortable with the coaches there and—”
I took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to go to Florida.”
His eyebrows furrowed but he fell silent.
“I don’t,” I repeated softly. “You’d be leaving everything behind.”
“I put down the money for the apartment. Full amount upfront”
“Ryan.” I sighed and rubbed my temples. “You didn’t need to do that.”
“Wherever you go, I want to go.”
Except, we had no idea if that was true. And if I pushed Ryan to go to Orlando and hewasn’thappy? The damage was done. He couldn’t go back to Marrs.
“I would never risk your happiness, ever,” I told him. “I’d never do that to you.”
He shifted back in his seat and I knew he could feel the layers in my words. I’d never put that on him. He could never do that to me. It was an agreement we had to have and something he needed to come to terms with.
“You hurt me real badly,” I said, point blank. But that wasn’t the end of it, it wasn’t the full sentence. Not even close. “But I love you. I’m in love with you. And I don’t want to run and shut you out.”
He took a deep breath. “If you go, I go.”
“Well, I’m not going to Florida anyway.”
“You’re—?” He stopped himself, leaning forward. “You’re not going to Florida.”
“Nope. You lost your deposit money.”