Page 84 of Love By a Landslide

“I’m not following.” Her mother’s immovable smile cracked slightly.

She spoke slowly, not because she thought her mom wouldn’t understand, but because Lucy was trying to put into words what she’d been feeling for a long time. What had been floating around in the back of her mind for years but had never had the courage to call out. “I gave everything to my relationship. Regularly made sacrifices that he never returned. You’re right. I put in the work, but Brodan was never an equal partner. I did everything in support of him while he lived selfishly for himself.”

“What a jerk.” Sally huffed.

“No, Mom. I don’t think he got it completely wrong. If anything, I need to be a little more like Brodan. I’ve been spending my life being what others need, never asking what I want or who I want to be. I dissolve into my partners and exist only to further their quality of life. I’ve done that with every relationship I’ve been in.”

“But why would you do that if it’s not what you want?”

“Because it’s what I was taught.” Lucy watched her mother puzzle out what she was trying to say. “You taught me that.”

Sally’s shoulders tensed as she gripped the steering wheel. “Lucy, I never told you that you had to ‘dissolve’ into your relationships.” In this rarely seen irked state, her mother’s smile finally slipped away.

“Not directly, no. But it’s what you did with Dad.” Lucy’s ramblings came out in a rush, like if she slowed her pace, she’d never actually get them out before losing her nerve. “I’ve watched you follow along with his decisions and whims for as long as I was old enough to notice. You stay at home instead of working. And stopped going to grad school because it interfered with taking care of him and us. You uprooted everything and moved to Greenwater because Dad got a new job after agreeing to retire. You live to serve him. How was I supposed to witness that and not assume that’s what I should do in my relationships?”

“Oh, sweetheart. That’s how I choose to livemylife. Taking care of you kids and your father brings me fulfillment. I didn’t lose myself to my family. Ifoundmyself there. Building my tribe brought meaning to my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“But what about you giving up your part-time job or grad school?”

“Pfft. . .” Sally swiped a dismissive hand. “I hated being a teller. Handling other people’s money gave me heartburn. AndImade the call to quit my MFA program. Not your father. I spent every minute in class wishing I was with him or you and your brothers. It wasn’t as important to me as I originally thought, and I couldn’t stomach wasting money on something I didn’t value.”

“So your life wasn’t just one big selfless sacrifice?”

Melodic laughter rang throughout the car. “Absolutely not.” Her mom dashed away mirthful tears. “I’m a part of something so much bigger than me. Knowing that your father is happy and seeing you kids grow up to be incredible adults fills me with indescribably joy and pride. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

All these years, Lucy thought her mother had abandonedevery bit of herself for her family, but it turned out that being a stay-at-home mom was what fueled her. She’d been wrong interpreting Sally’s life in terms of pure sacrifice.

“And I’m so sorry,” the older woman who’d taken on a grim, apologetic expression continued, “that you thought I expected you to be like me. Lucy, I want you to live your life in whatever way best fulfillsyou. Not someone else. Especially not someone like Brodan.”

“You really think he was that bad?”

Sally’s side-eyed expression made Lucy cringe.

“He was kind of a douche, peanut.”

“Mom,”Lucy cackled, momentarily forgetting the hole in her heart. “I’ve never heard you call someone a douche before.”

She shrugged. “Well, if the shoe fits.”

The laughter felt good, and for a moment, Lucy believed she’d be able to feel like herself one day soon. She needed to focus on marching forward, continuing to work on Lucy 2.0 in order to leave the past behind her. Jonathan had chosen not to be in her life, and she had to accept that and move on.

“Do me a favor, will ya, peanut?”

“What’s that?”

“Take some time filling your own bucket for a while. Keep being your own sunshine, and things will seem brighter soon enough.”

Sunshine.

Hearing the nickname sent a painful zap through Lucy. A flash of seductive amber eyes and a chest inked with the Cascade Mountains heated her ears. She could almost smell his cedar and fabric softener scent. Feel the warm slick of sweat on his back while he hovered over her. His fingers, his tongue.

Lucy shook herself. None of that.

“I can do that. I promise to focus on my happiness for a while.”

Chapter forty-one

Leavenworth, two months later in early August: Jonathan

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