Page 64 of Fire & Ice

“Lee,” he says softly.

Once again, Tripp’s unprepared. The look on Leander’s face when he whirls around is sad and desperate, his eyes red-rimmed and dark underneath. As soon as he sees Tripp, the puppet strings snap, and Lee loses whatever tenuous grip on his composure he was clinging to.

“Tripp,” he mutters, voice filled with obvious relief as he flings himself into Tripp’s chest, and Tripp takes back his initial assessment—there’s nothing put-together about this.

“Hey,” he soothes, letting Leander octopus around him and returning the gesture by wrapping one arm tightly around his back, the other hand cupping his head. “Hey, shh. It’s alright. I’m here, Lee. I’m here. Lee, I’m so sorry,” he murmurs into Leander’s ear, feeling the way his friend’s body shakes beneath his hands. “I’m so,sosorry. I should’ve checked my phone. There’s no excuse, I didn’t even think—”

“It’s not your fault,” Leander says quietly, pulling backjustbarely enough to look Tripp in the eyes. There’s more to his expression than what should be obvious, and Tripp abruptly realizes that there’s something going on here other than hormones. That’s as far as he can get on his own, though—he’s got no fucking clue what Lee might be feeling, and beyond that—comforting a Dom?Where to even start?

Tripp’s way,wayout of his depth. The only thing he can do—and he can do this for Lee—is use his goddamn words like an adult.

“Lee, talk to me,” Tripp says sharply, grabbing Leander by his biceps and steering him over to the toilet. Using his foot, Tripp kicks the lid down and sits Leander on top. It’s unnerving how easily Lee lets himself be maneuvered, how little resistance he puts up. If Tripp didn’t know any better, he’d think that his cocky Dom who hates demands and loves being obeyed had been body-snatched.

Crouching down in front of the toilet, Tripp rests his hands on Leander’s thighs. “Youhaveto talk to me,” he says. “Listen, sweetheart, I want to help you. I’m not going to leave you, or judge you, or whatever the hell else you’re worried about happening, but—buddy, I’m treading water here. Understand? Tell me what you need and it’s yours, butIneed something…” He trails off, tapped out on that analogy.

“To hold onto,” Leander finishes weakly, nodding before sighing with apparent exhaustion. For a second, he looks like he’s going to launch into some long-winded explanation, but then he just stops and thrusts his hand out, looping a finger through Tripp’s belt hole.

“Can you…”

This, Tripp doesn’t need to be told twice, and even though it’s awkward and there would be athousandbetter places to do this than the seat of a toilet in the men’s sleeping quarters of a firehouse, that’s what they have to work with. So he goes—becausethisisn’t something he needs explained—straddling Leander easily and drawing him in to his chest.

“Got you, Lee,” Tripp murmurs, stroking nails down his back, and finally, Leander relaxes. It’s minute, and he can tell that they still have a long way to go, but Tripp can feel Lee melting incrementally into the warmth of his body, pressed tightly between him and the porcelain water tank. God, Tripp hopes that someday they can look back on this and laugh.

“You smell like fire,” Leander observes quietly, mumbling into the fabric of Tripp’s shirt, and he sounds a lot more like himself, which makes Tripp smile but also tear up, just a little. Not that Leander can see—he’s busy doing his best to make a permanent imprint of his face on Tripp’s neck.

“I smell like ass,” Tripp retorts, working his roaming fingers against Leander’s scalp and hoping that what he’s doing is helping, that it’s working, that he’s being what Lee needs right now. “Showering was pretty high on my list of things to do before you showed up. Is this…?”

“It’s good,” Leander replies quickly, arms tightening around Tripp’s waist. “Tripp, I am so—” The way Lee is plastered against him, Tripp can see how he shakes, canfeelthe sob that catches in his throat and rattles his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Lee manages to blurt out, after a minute that Tripp spends horrified and frozen, unsure of what to do. Still hiding his face, he continues, sounding completely broken, defeated, and miserable. “I’m sorry that I neglected our aftercare, and I’m sorry I pestered and didn’t trust you to know your own feelings and limits. I’m sorry for showing up here and bothering you now.”

“Lee,” Tripp starts, but falters. Fortunately, Leander doesn’t seem to notice, busy clinging and running hands up and down Tripp’s back as he is.

“Iamsorry, but also, I’m so very relieved you’re safe.”

“I was fine,” Tripp protests. “I wouldn’t have left your place if I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t have hid that from you, if something came on later. Lee, why are you talking like you did something wrong, here?” When Leander just shrugs and sniffles, Tripp abruptly decides that he’s had enough. He wraps both hands around Lee's shoulders and gently pushes him back so they can look each other in the eyes.

Damn, he looks sad.Tripp wants so badly to kiss him, to tell him how much he’s wanted and loved.If ever there was a time…

But he doesn’t give in. Reluctantly, Tripp settles for circling his arms over Leander’s shoulders and scratching soothingly into the hairs at the nape of his neck.

“Dude,” he says gently. “If anyone fucked up here, it’s me. I should have checked in with you at least once. I should have made sure you knew that I was fine. Next time, I will, I promise. I’m glad you came here.”

Leander’s face flushes with obvious shame. “I shouldn’t havehadto. I know better than this, I—” He breaks off with a frustrated, rough exhale and shakes his head. “I understand that you felt fine today, but Istillbelieve I dropped the ball by not allowing for proper aftercare. It’s part of why I spiraled. And then I—oh, Tripp, I’ve been such a mess.” The tears well up in Leander’s eyes again, and Tripp dries them swiftly with some toilet paper ripped off of the roll to their right.

“Spiral seems like the right word,” Tripp offers, trying to be open and neutral so that Leander keeps talking and gives him some sort of clue about where to go with this.

As he watches intently, Lee closes his eyes briefly and nods. “It’s very apt. Please believe me Tripp, I trust you to know yourself. I trust you to communicate with me.” He motions to his head. “It’s…hard to control, as you know, once you’re in it. I kept telling myself that I needed to wait, to believe that you were fine and would come to me if you weren’t, but Iworried.And I started thinking about worst case scenarios, how if youdiddrop and perhaps even injured yourself at work because of it—how that would be all my fault. How I would have failed you, how I don’t deserve—”

The barely-choked-off sobs threatening to overtake Leander’s already questionable composure finally get their way, and he breaks down, shoulders slumping and chin dropping to his chest. He doesn’t lean forward to seek comfort from Tripp,and Tripp understands why—Lee is still deepinthis spiral, still berating and blaming himself. Logic isn’t going to cut it, won’t work to pull him out.

“I shouldneverhave pushed to do that scene this morning,” he cries as Tripp yanks him close and holds him tight, rocking them gently. “I don’t deserve you, Tripp,” he continues, barely audible, into Tripp’s shirt.

“Whoa, hey, first of all,” Tripp interjects, because that’sbullshit,all of it. “Iwantedto scene this morning. I asked for it and you gave me what we both thought I needed. Lee, this isn’t new territory for us. We tried something, it didn’t work. We won’t do it again. This ain’t any different then any other time that’s happened. Buddy, I can’t even count the times you stopped a scene or changed the vibe because it wasn’t working for one of us. I don’t agree that you made a mistake, but ifyoufeel that way, you know, I’m not gonna tell you not to feel your fuckin’ feelings. They’re yours to be wrong about.”

In his arms, Lee actually chuckles a little, and Tripp smiles against his hair, pleased that he’s not, at least, blatantly making things worse. “I—”love you, love you so fuckin’ much, you idiot. Let me love you, love me back. You deserve love, asshole. “—need you, Lee. So don’t be trying to get rid of me with this, ‘don’t deserve you’ crap, it pisses me off.”

“You trusted me,” Leander mutters, turning his head so that his ear is against the top of Tripp’s chest, but at least what he’s saying can be understood now. “You trusted me, and I did…this. I hear you, Tripp, but I still feel…” He trails off, a hand coming up to cover his face. “This drop is telling me that I don’t deserve you, that I shouldn’t be a Dom at all. When I think about what I put you through when we got together, andnow…” Leander shrugs sadly, but doesn’t resume crying. He just sags listlessly against Tripp’s chest and clings.

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