Page 33 of Fire & Ice

Leander can only imagine that the furrow in his brow is getting deeper as he stares back at Autumn in abject confusion. “You’ll have to explain this to me further at some point, because I certainly wasn’t aware that I had romantic feelings for Tripp until very recently,” he says, and then promptly drains his glass, because this is alotmore than he anticipated hearing. “On second thought, don’t.”

Smirking as she puts her hands up in mock-surrender, Autumn's face softens a little. “Well, all of that aside, you know I care about you, Simba. So yeah, I think I can help a fellow lost soul out. No guarantees on outcome, though, and there’s no magic button you can press to keep those pesky romantic feelings separate. What Icanoffer you is a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend, and a big mouth that doesn’t know when to keep her thoughts to herself.”

“Thank you, Autumn,” Leander says in relief. “That’s more than I deserve from you, I know that.”

“Believe it,” Autumn retorts. “Although speaking of deserving better, I hope you know that you do, too. If Tripp doesn’t feel the same way, you don’towehim to stick around for sex or submission, no matter what you promised him to start with. Cutting yourself open and bleeding the contents of your heart all over the floor—and not in the fun way—for someone who doesn’t appreciate it gets harder by the day. That is a thing that I learned the hard way.”

Leander ducks his head and fiddles with his empty glass. “Tripp is very deserving,” he says quietly, and Autumn laughs a little in response, though the sound isn’t judgmental or cruel.

“Oh, Little Lion Man, you got it bad.”

He doesn’t deny it. There’s no reason to, now. The waitress comes with a tray full of food and sets each item down in front of them, but all of it suddenly looks gray and unappetizing to Leander’s palate. The things that have been weighing on his shoulders aren’t all out there yet, and the worry and regret is starting to leave a bad taste in his mouth.

“Autumn,” Leander says tentatively, watching as she uses chopsticks to pop a piece of California roll into her mouth and chew. “There’s more. Specifically, I think I may be falling short in giving Tripp what he needs with regard to aftercare. I’ve been leaving his side, denying myself certain affections for self-preservation purposes. Only after he seems to be fully recovered or has fallen asleep, of course, but I’m concerned that it’s not enough. I fear—”

“Psh,” Autumn replies, her mouth still half-full. “You ain’t worried about him. You,” she jabs her chopsticks in Leander’sdirection, “are worried he’s gonna realize you’re head over heels in love with him if you show it too much.”

“Yes,” Leander says, relieved at being understood. “I am.”

But Autumn just shrugs. “You’re stupid,” she replies easily.

“Excuse me?”

“Lee,” she says, dropping the food pinched in her utensils back onto the plate while she addresses him, patient but exasperated. “You have a frickin’ free pass. Trust me,hewill tell you if you’re doing too much. If you ask me—and you did,” she reminds him, scooping up some rice and inhaling it like a vacuum. “You’re way more likely to send him into drop doing what you’re doing than you are to protect yourself in any kind of way that’s gonna matter. Running out on a sub early because you’re scared of your own feelings is bad frickin’ news, lovemuffin. Let me tell you, there were plenty of times it hurt like hell for me to sleep in your arms.”

Autumn swallows and stares down at her plate, refusing to make eye contact with him for the first time this evening, and Leander’s guilty conscience swells in his chest. Both for what he’s definitely done to Autumn and what he’s potentially been doing to Tripp. Before he can apologize—not that he thinks Autumn will like that, either—she continues talking.

“But the thing is, Simba, I’m smarter than you, and I’m definitely smarter than the Ken-doll you’re fucking. I’ve been subbing since I was eighteen and I’ve hadallthe bad Doms, plus Iknowwhat I gotta do to avoid drop. Does Tripp? Would he tell you if what you were doing wasn’t enough? I dunno, Lee. I’ve met the guy, and I can’t say that I have any confidence in his ability to own his vulnerability and to share his feelings with the class.

“Point being, yes, sleeping with you like we were lovers—after you made it clear more than once that we would never be any such thing—was hard, really hard. The best thing you ever did for me was to break things off when you did. But baby,you’rethe lover in this equation, and Tripp is the one in need. What you’re doing is just selfish. If you can’t be what heneeds, you’ve gotta cut ties with him as a sub.”

Stunned, Leander just sits there, digesting Autumn's words. They’re honest, brutally so, and it takes him a minute of grappling with his own defense mechanisms to keep from firing back. She’s right, of course, and that is the hardest pill to swallow.

Selfish.

Her words ring inside his head, rattling his brain. Leander has been going about this all wrong—he’s been too selfish, too caught up inhavingTripp the only way he believed Tripp would allow, too focused on thehavingitself and chasing his own desires to acknowledge any of the potential fallout, and now Tripp is paying the price.

Jesus Christ,he’s been a fool, he’s put Tripp in danger, he’s—

“Autumn,” he says, voice as full of apology as he can muster at the moment. “I need to go, I need—”

“Thought you might say that,” she replies wryly, spearing a piece of chicken with her chopstick and waving it absently in the direction of the front door. “Go on, get out of here, you responsible, caring Dom, you. Do the right fucking thing, for once.”

“Thank you,” Leander says earnestly as he stands to throw on his jacket. He steps away and then quickly turns back, pulling out his wallet to toss a handful of twenties down onto the table,enough to cover the meal and several additional drinks for Autumn. “I owe you, truly.”

“Uh, yeah,” Autumn replies emphatically, bristling before softening again. “But Simba, do call me if you need to, okay? Everything else aside, like I said, I care about you, and I—well, no. I don’t care about Tripp, but I care aboutyouand I don’t wish the guy any harm, so, you know. Call me. I mean it.”

Backing up towards the door, Leander barely avoids running into another table of diners as he nods and touches two fingers to his lips in a distant goodbye kiss.

“Thank you!”

On his way out of the restaurant, Leander briefly considers ordering another Uber, but the wait times are peak and much longer than he’d like. Now that he’s come to his senses, he feels anxious to rectify his mistakes, and the idea of delaying any attempt to do so for longer than necessary makes him almost physically uncomfortable. Standing alone on the sidewalk, Leander barely feels the cold wind whipping at his skin, his attention fully focused on finding Tripp and putting things right.

A quick scroll through the one-sided conversation they had earlier fills him with even more dread. If Trippisdropping, if his off-kilter behavior this afternoon winds up being what Leander fears and not just Tripp beingTripp, then there is a zero percent chance his recent messages didn’t add fuel to that fire.

Sad and ashamed, Leander considers how he would react if he were on the edge, and instead of comfort, received similar messages from his scene partner. Nonchalant ones, about covering bruises and his sub going to meet up with his former Dom. Especially when Tripp may have been experiencingfeelings of rejection already, thatcan’thave felt nice. Even if Tripp understands cognitively that Leander would never trade him for Autumn, drop isn’t logical or sensical: it’semotional,it’s hormonal. Looking at the situation now and with a clear head, Leander honestly can’t believe how badly he’s failed them both.

How could he be so ignorant? So short-sighted and self-involved.Leander curses himself and glances around, just on the off-chance that there’s a taxi or a bus nearby. Anything else useful, actually—even a bicycle he could steal, because fuck it, why not? Unfortunately there’s nothing, and he just can’t risk waiting around any longer.

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