Page 25 of Under Her Skin

“Ava, would you do me the honor of allowing me to care for you?” I wait. “You deserve to be lavished with intentions of pure love and adoration. Let me remind you what it feels like. Allow my humble affection to light the candle that you are protecting deep within your soul.” I watch as a single tear falls from her eye, cascades down the hollow of her cheek, ending its journey on my hand.

She stares at me a moment longer before conceding. When she raises her arms, I stand up and approach her as though she is an injured animal with fear lingering in her eyes. I know what I need to do. Helping her remove her dirty clothes, she hops off the counter to drop her panties. I bite back an expletive. She is skin and bones. I worry she is trying to starve herself to death. Keeping my emotions on lockdown, I guide her to the tub and help her get settled.

Grabbing the bottle of shampoo, I squirt a glob into my hands and meticulously lather her wet locks, massaging her scalp. The goal is to soothe her, show her that not all hands are meant for evil. That not all men are the devil reincarnated who only search for their own pleasure. To remind her of the good and to show her through my actions how much I care. She sits quietly and unmoving. I rinse the shampoo and grab the conditioner, going through the same motions of gathering the hair, ensuring that her strands are covered. I rinse it out before carefully twisting her hair up on the top of her head, tying it up into a messy bun.

Standing up, I look at Ava. No longer needing to tilt her head back, she now has her chin resting on her knees. She embodies vulnerability and it crushes me. I squat back down to her level. “Ava, go ahead and wash up. I’m going to go change out your sheets, then I will be back to help you out of the tub.” She doesn’t even blink. It's as though I am not here. She is so lost in her mind, and I’m determined to help her find her way home.

Walking from the bath, I come to stand next to the bed. I take a minute. Just one minute for myself. I allow the anger, the heartbreak, and anguish to devour me, letting it engulf my heart and soul. This is nothing compared to what she is battling. My need to find Kiel and tear him apart piece by piece is growing stronger every day. I can’t wait until we find him.

I make quick work of the bedding. The sheets are stale with the smell of pain, desperation and fear. In the past, fear was a scent I thrived on. It showed me that I was close to the answers I needed and wanted. It was a part of the job. Smelling her fear, it shreds a part of my soul. Maybe, with clean sheets that smell of lavender, it will ease her fear and smother her nightmares. Tossing the dirty sheets aside, I make quick work of making the bed. Finishing with my task, I walk back to the bathroom.

Stepping into the room, I halt. My eyes must be playing tricks on me. I watch quietly as Ava glides the soap loofah up and down her arms. It's a small action, but a huge step. She is not simply sitting staring into the nothingness. She is caring for herself.

Clearing my throat to warn her that she now has company, she doesn’t startle. Another victory I’ll take.

“Have you finished?” She nods. I hold out the large bath towel for her. “Can you stand up for me?” She nods her agreement, but struggles to stand.

Reaching for her hand, I gently pull her to a stand and wrap the towel around her fragile frame. Lifting her from the now tepid water, I place her to stand on the fluffy bath mat where I dry her off quickly. Handing her the clean nightgown and panties, I wait as she dresses. I guide her back to sit on the bed and dry her hair. Placing the towel aside, I run a comb through her wet locks to ensure there are no knots. Once the task is finished, I pull back the covers and tuck Ava in.

Tossing the towel in the pile with the dirty sheets, I put the comb on the nightstand, crawl into bed and cover up. I lay on my back, just listening to her stuttered breathing. The space between could fit her three brothers. Or at least it feels that way. I don’t want to complain. I can at least sleep in the same bed. Her nightmares don’t worsen in my presence, but they don’t get any better either. I’m grateful we found her, but can she battle her demons without breaking further? I just don’t know. The ‘what if’ questions continue to pile on top of me as I start to slide into slumber.

Movement wakes me. It takes a moment to realize that it's not an enemy sneaking into my room. The shifting is much closer; the mattress dips again. I freeze, not wanting to scare her. Ava is sliding closer to me. Heart pounding. I dare not breathe as she moves again. She wants to be nearer to me. She is still an arm length away, but she is no longer sleeping on the edge of the bed.

A smile slips across my lips, a foreign sensation fills me.

Hope.

23

AVA

Drinking fresh-brewed coffee, I sit and stare out the window. Cal physically removed me from the bed this morning. To my utter shock, he placed me in the plush chair that looks out over the woods that surround his property. He handed me the drink and walked out, or so I thought. Hearing a noise, I turn in the chair to look over the top edge. There he is, removing all the blankets and pillows from the bed, effectively taking my security nest away.

So, here I sit, sipping and thinking - repeating this for what seems like hours, but really it’s only a few short moments. Melting into the soft velvety seat, last night sweeps through my mind. Cal was patient. He handled me with care; it was almost as if he still wanted me. It's these images and those delicate touches that have me stumped. I can’t seem to match Cal’s actions to what Kiel said to me. Kiel delighted in delivering those words to me. He loved the devastation those few words accomplished. It was a shot that didn’t miss, and Kiel rubbed it in my face a few times.

It makes no sense. Cal is doing the opposite of everything Kiel said he would do. I expected him to assist my brothers in my retrieval and then disappear. That didn’t happen. In fact, he stayed with me through each step of my recovery. I still remember my brothers manhandling him out of the room when I first woke up so he would go shower and eat. It was as though he had been holding a vigil over me until I finally opened my eyes.

Taking a fortifying breath, I whisper his name. He just finished folding all the bedding and placing it at the end of the bed. The pillows are thrown haphazardly in the corner of the room. Hearing the muted thumps of his heavy boots on the thick carpet, he comes to stand in front of me, crossing his muscular arms. He takes notice of my gulp at his intimidating stance and squats down. Gazing straight into his deep blue eyes, I try to speak.

“I want t-to …. ummmmm …” My eyes flicker about the room. It's too hard to tell him these words while staring into those eyes, the eyes that see so much of me. “I want-” I shake my head. “No, I need to talk to you.” He waits patiently while I gather up my courage.

My fingers start picking at the cloth on the chair, something that seems to soothe my anxiety. “Cal, Kiel said some things to me. He was never kind. There is nothing nice or kind about that man. His words… Well, they pierced my heart…” My hands start trembling. “That doesn’t sound right but, it is. I’m making a muck of this. Cal, there were a few specific statements that he made that destroyed a part of me that I desperately needed to war with that devil incarnate.” Blowing out a puff of air, I continue.

“I’m doing a wretched job of this. This is difficult for me. Cal… Kiel said that you left me for him. That you took off once you knew that he had me.” My body is shaking so hard that my teeth clatter together. “He said that you would NEVER want me or anything to do with me once he was done having his fun with me.” I rush the words, afraid that if I slowed they would freeze in my throat. “See, it makes sense. Why would you keep me after all the horrid things that happened?” A hiccup escapes as I do my damnedest to suppress the urge to blubber like a toddler who was told no to another cookie. Bowing my head, staring at my lap, I don’t see him move.

Cal reaches out, gathering my hands in his and pulling me forward. “Sweet Ava, that’s a fucking lie.” Clearing his throat, he runs his hands up my arm to cup my face. He whispers: “I was there behind the mirror.” Pausing, he waits to see my reaction. “I never left you. He took you away from me and left me behind.” Cal leans forward, touching our foreheads together. At this action, my eyes slip shut. “Is this why you have been jumpy and distant?”

His warm strong lips place a subtle feather light kiss where his forehead had just been resting. “I can see how he managed to make you believe that bullshit, but my sweet, it's not true. Not a single word. Had I known that this was festering inside of you and stopping you from healing, I would have professed my shame sooner. Your brothers found me. They forced me to recover before coming for you. It took too long. I know that delay caused more damage, but I swear to you, I will make it up to you.”

His words rain down on me like a tsunami wave hitting, pummeling me with shame and anger. My body quivers with the impact. My eyes squeeze shut. I can’t bring myself to look at him. Why, after seeing all that happened, is he still here? Cal reaches for me, gathering me in his arms. He sits back, slumping into the wall. He quietly hushes me while rubbing my back.

“Ava, I wish I could take it all away. I can’t even fathom how difficult your time with him was. I am so terribly sorry that I was unable to prevent him from taking you. I know that I failed you as I watched day after day of the horrific trauma you were forced to endure. I hope that you can forgive me. Allow me the pleasure of caring for you now. Being here for you every step of your recovery will ease my guilt for all that has happened.”

His words crack something inside of me. “Y-you were there the whole time.” My voice quavers with shame. “You saw all that he did. The drugs. What he ff-forced on me?” I stutter out. Sitting in his lap, I wish the ground would split open and swallow me whole. It was one thing to know he had an inkling of what happened, but it's another thing completely that he saw everything that Kiel did to me.

“You’re lying.” I start shaking my head. “You couldn’t have been there. Kiel said he saw you at the warehouse, and that you left me. That you didn’t want me, that I was just used goods.” I can hear the hysteria that slams into my voice. “No. It's not possible.” Glancing up to his face, he’s shut off his emotions. Nothing is reflecting on his face. He nods once, confirming Kiel lied. I’m truly not shocked - he had a tendency to weave untruths. Yet, I had hoped to not have my weakest moment viewed by someone I truly care about.

“Cal, I … uhhh … I can’t. You saw it all. My most vulnerable moments. I never would want anyone to see me that way. You more than anyone. After seeing what you saw, how or why could you be with me. Have sex with me. Knowing what you know.”

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