Page 8 of Surge of Fire

I sit down on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands. “What am I going to do, Granger?”

He sighs and sits down on the edge of the bed next to me. “You're gonna do what you've always done. You're gonna squash those feelings down so far that they fester and turn you into a bitter asshole.”

I look up from my hands and stare at him.

His face brightens into that trademark smile that makes his round face look even rounder. “Or youcouldtell her how you feel. And see if she feels the same way.”

My stomach drops, and I shake my head. “You know I can't do that.”

“Why not? I mean, we're not little anymore. You won’t get kicked out by her mom and dad if things go wrong with the relationship.”

He’s right. When we were younger, I obsessed over finally telling her how I felt and having her not feel the same way, and it being unbearable to be around her. Or her feeling the same way, and me fucking up the relationship, losing her and her mom at the same time.

But I still have too much to lose. “If things go wrong, I just lose one of my closest friends.” Fuck, the thought of losing her makes me want to puke. “No, I can't do that. It's better that I push this down and forget about the way I feel.”

The words taste bad in my mouth, even though I’d accepted the fact that I wouldn’t ever make a move on Sam.I had, hadn’t I?Yes, every plan I made about this trip involved being Sam’s friend and nothing more.

“You know, it doesn't have to be one or the other,” he says. “Maybe she’ll realize that you're a sexy man-god and everything will work out. Then you'll get your fairy tale happily-ever-after.”

I laugh, but even I can hear pain in the sound. “What about my life has told you that that's a possibility?”

My life might look great on the outside, but it’d been rougher than anyone was aware of, although Granger knew more than anyone else about my home life. About my dad. But he still didn’t know it all. If he did, I knew he’d have had to tell someone, and I’d be pulled away from Granger and Sam forever.

And they were all I had.

It’s quiet for a long time, and I think I finally smashed that chipper attitude of his. I finally made him see the reality of the situation. He’d finally accepted that all hope was lost when it came to Sam and I.

Instead, he starts talking in that serious voice of his. “You're a young guy in college, pursuing the major you want, on the road to the career you want. You’re hanging out with your best friend and in love with a really awesome girl. I think life could be worse.”

“It could be, but if I get involved with Sam, I’ll just screw everything up.”

“You’re not your dad.” Granger turns on the bed, and now he’s intense. “You’re better than him. He wasn’t a good person, you are. Get that through your thick skull.”

My chest feels tight. If anyone else said my dad wasn't a good person, I might have punched him. Not because they were wrong, but because some part of me knows that I need to defend my family against everything. The thing is, my dadisn'ta good person. He's a good firefighter. He was an okay dad. But he isn't a good husband.

Heisn'ta good person.

Every time I think about really dating anyone, my mind goes to Samantha. But I always have to ask myself if I'm going to be good for her. If I'm going to be the kind of man that she's going to need, or end up like my dad by taking something beautiful and crushing it.

“I fucking hate myself,” I whisper, digging my hands into my hair.

And I fucking hate that I just admitted that out loud.

Granger puts his hand on my shoulder. “It's our first night here. Things are gonna get easier. You were just surprised to see her. But you'll be able to handle the rest better, and she'll have no idea about the way you feel.”

I’m pretty sure he's just trying to make me feel better, but for some reason his words actually do. I can make this work. I can be around Sam… and just be a good friend to her. Just be there to make her smile. And have fun. I can be that person. I don't have to give into this horrible burning inside of me that says that I want her to be mine.

“Thanks, Granger.”

He laughs. “No problem. Besides, this is only the first of many conversations we’re going to have about girls, because I think I’ll need a lot of your help if I'm going to become the Bang Champion of the camp. Bang Champion Granger! I like the sound of that!”

Granger is many things, but a Bang Champion he is not. He's a great guy. Whatever girl he eventually ends up with is going to be the luckiest girl in the world. But he isnota Bang Champion, and I doubt he ever will be. But if it's gonna happen anywhere, it's gonna happen here, where Granger will no doubt be the king of the nerds.

I smack him on the back. “Right. Bang Champion you are!”

He stands up looking pleased as can be with himself and heads back to his room right next door to mine, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The truth is, I was mostly excited about coming here and spending time with Samantha and Granger. Yes, it was a great opportunity, but I’d give up every opportunity in this world to be with them before real life begins and I lose them in a way we can’t ever come back from.

Every time I picture the future, I see my friends, married with kids, and me, single, running around fighting fires, all of us hopefully happy. Even though the idea sometimes leaves me feeling hollow, I know that’s how it’s going to be. I’ll lose them to their spouses and kids. They’ll become the most important people in their lives, as they should be, and I’ll try my hardest to stay busy enough that the loneliness doesn’t get to me. But thissummer feels like a chance to hold onto our youth a little longer. To put a pause on growing up, growing older, and all the things that come along with that, and just be there with each other.

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