Page 56 of Someone Like You

I was afraid. If I had to identify any single emotion, it was that. Fear. More specifically, the fear that this was all going to collapse at some point. That this, right here, was the best it would ever be, and somewhere down the line, I’d be left behind, holding my broken heart in my hands and wondering if I’d ever be able to put it back together again. And, when I realized I couldn’t, maybe I’d leave that part of me behind, too. Just become a shell of a person, walking around without a beating heart, all my other organs trying to function without it. And when they couldn’t, I’d just…vanish. Like a wisp of smoke. Slowly dissipating until there was nothing left.

But I was probably getting ahead of myself. That was just my typical catastrophizing, and even though I couldn’t help it, Icouldmitigate the morose thoughts. And if I shared them with Brody, would he laugh or would he understand? No, he wouldn’tlaugh. I knew him enough to know that. He was kind and accepting. Never cruel. Never that.

So I said, “I’m just worried, I guess.”

He waited for me to go on, and when I didn’t, said, “About?”

Ugh. Was this what it meant to be with someone? Having them pick your brain like my therapist loved to do? But, in all honesty, if the roles were reversed and Brody obviously had something on his mind, I’d try to squeeze it out of him and wouldn’t stop until he told me. Because I wanted him to give me his worries, I wanted to bear his burdens with him, and I wanted him toletme do those things. Because I cared.

Because he cared.

“I’m worried about…” I found his nipple under his shirt, tracing my finger along the tiny barbell. “This. Us. I’m worried that this is just another thing I’ll mess up. That you’ll realize I’m not someone you want to actually be with, and even though that’s okay if you do, if this isn’t what you thought you wanted, I’m worried about what happens after that. Because I like you a lot, Brody, and this all feels too good to be true. I guess I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Brody didn’t even take time to think before he said, “Well then you’ll be waiting forever because there is no other shoe. And even if you mess up—whatever that entails—I’ll be right here to help you sort through that mess. Unless you cheat on me or start murdering cats in your spare time, you’re not getting rid of me.”

His words from that first day came back to me.I’m not that easy to get rid of.It had terrified me then, but now it was something I clung to. Something I believed, something I cherished. Appreciated. Needed.

“Damn. I guess I’ll have let those kittens I’ve been keeping in my closet go,” I said. “I didn’t realize that was a hard no for you.”

He laughed so hard, I moved up and down on his chest. And just like that, the buzzing began to fade into the background. Not completely gone, but almost.

We spent the rest of our time together talking about everything and nothing, and I learned his favorite color was green. A dark forest green. I learned he lived with his uncle, after his mom died and his dad went to prison. That he loved his uncle, who was a better father than his real dad had ever been. That they had all lived in the house his parents had bought, and his dad had sold it to his uncle after he’d been sentenced to a prison term that was three decades long. That he had moved tothishouse because it was hard to be living in the mire of so many bad memories, and he’d wanted something different for himself. Something less saturated in sadness.

I learned that Bri was exceedingly intelligent—a genius, he said—but was not good with people and hated school, so she’d stuck around Gardiner to be close to Brody and work on her first book. It was a horror novel, Brody said, which made me both excited and a little nervous, because knowing Bri, it would probably be truly deranged. Still, she and I had something in common, it seemed—a passion for writing and a love of horror.

I learned that he couldn’t stand his space being untidy or cluttered, and he cleaned the basement twice a week. That he loved Chinese food and hated burgers. That he played little league baseball before his teammates started bullying him and he quit. That he liked to go hiking. That he’d been alone for most of his life, but preferred it that way. I learned that he was only taking two classes per semester because school wasn’t easy for him with his dyslexia and his work schedule.

I learned what it was to truly be in awe of a person.

When three o’clock rolled around, when all my things were packed and loaded in his truck, when I’d spoken to Jamie again and thanked him for what he’d done and made sure he was okay,that buzzing hum started to emerge again. I ignored it, choosing to focus on Brody as he slid behind the wheel and gave me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. I leaned over and kissed his lips, a gentle press of mouths, and he cupped my cheeks with his hands. It was slow and sensual and I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to tell him that I’d decided to stay, even though he hadn’t asked me to, and he would just have to deal with it.

But Brody pulled away, kissing the corner of my lips, the tip of my nose, my cheekbone. “I think I’m really gonna miss you, Isaac,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” I said. “Me too.”

He pressed his lips to mine again, and I melted into him. He caught my bottom lip between his teeth, sucking, and I moaned.

“Yeah,” he rasped. “I’m really gonna miss you. You’re so fucking sweet.” His eyes were half-lidded, inches from mine, and staring at me like he never wanted to look away. But he closed them and groaned, pulling back. “If we don’t stop I’m just gonna fuck you right here.”

“You should,” I said, pressing for the one thing we hadn’t done yet.

“Oh, believe me, I want to. And I will. But not now.” He started the car, and I felt like a knife had been shoved into my kidney.

“When?” I asked as he backed out of the driveway.

“Mm. When you’re ready,” he said.

“I’m ready,” I said, despite the small sliver of fear that was ever-present.

“You’re not,” he argued amicably. “But you will be. Soon.”

How soon was soon? I wanted to keep arguing, but he held out his hand and I slid my fingers between his.

We were both quiet on the ride back to my house, and I got lost in my thoughts while staring out at a white landscape. When Brody said, “We’re here,” I hadn’t even realized the car hadstopped moving. He helped me carry my bags back inside, where Jordan greeted me by telling me he’d taken advantage of my absence by masturbating every single moment I was gone and to definitely,definitelynot use any black lights in the near future.

Lovely.

When I walked Brody back to the door, he crushed me to his chest and laid his cheek on my head. “Call me later,” he said.

---