Page 61 of Undeniable

I sighed. “I didn’t think I did, but when I came back, I… reconsidered.”

“But you said no?”

“I didn’t even have to say no,” I quickly said and watched him tense. “He saw it on my face that I wasn’t going to say yes.”

The sharp pain in my chest flared anew. When I returned to Willowwood, I hadn’t considered Brendon would still be interested in me, but there he was. I moved in next door and things had progressed naturally from there. It took me a year or two to even consider something more than friendship with him, but when I did, I just let it happen. No matter what I said before about not feeling something more than friendship with Brendon, he was safe. He was comfortable, and that was all I think it was.

I’d never forget the hurt and devastation on Brendon’s face when I took too long to answer. As my face dropped, his did, too, along with his outstretched hand, grasping the ring box like it was his one final lifeline.

But I knew it would’ve been worse had I said yes. Had we gotten married and started a life together, only for me to finally, years in, confess to him that I couldn’t do it anymore? I knew in that moment how it would’ve ended.

And like the floodgates had opened, I continued, explaining everything that happened that night. “That’s why both of our moms were in the car accident. They… they both knew it was happening and when I answered the phone and didn’t sound like a woman that had just gotten engaged, they rushed over. I told them not to, but… you know them.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I knew it was the explanation he’d been looking for. He was right all along. There was a good reason, at least in their minds, why they’d gotten in that car that night. No matter the fight I put up or the number of times I told them that I’d be fine, they didn’t listen. I was distraught and they couldn’t help but come to my rescue.

I could have told him months ago, but the explanation would have required that I tell him about Brendon, too.

And I hadn’t wanted to tell James about him.

“Were you in love with him?”

His question hit a raw nerve, and I covered my mouth with a shaking hand as I blew out a long breath. It was a question I’d considered constantly since the day I’d said no. Every day I contemplated the relationship I’d had with Brendon and whether I was a fool for saying no. Whether I could’ve made it work with everything I was feeling. And the conclusion I’d come to was that I definitely was a fool, but not because I said no.

“I thought I was,” I finally said.

“How did you figure out you weren’t?”

“I didn’t feel all the things I imagined I would when someone proposed. We were comfortable and content. But that was it… there wasn’t anythingmore.”

“But you’ve been in love.”

It wasn’t a question but a statement because we both knew it was true. Just because I’d never said it didn’t make it untrue.

And I was suddenly aware that we were in the same room where he’d touched me for the first time. Where I’d felt that connection shift. I was seated on the bed and he was at my desk. Leaning back on the wobbly legs of the chair, too cocky and naive to realize that I was already falling for him. That I was already in so deep I was never coming back from it.

But it was also the room where I’d hidden when everything had fallen apart. And even more so, where my life changed forever.

The pain and the guilt and devastation those memories brought with them were far worse than anything else I’d experienced thus far.

“Tell me,” he whispered, his voice somehow simultaneously holding both fear and hope.

The room was silent, and I could hear my own pulse drumming in my ears. I’d stopped breathing altogether and didn’t think I could respond no matter what he said or how earnestly he requested it. I turned over to my other side and closed my eyes as I spoke, feeling raw and exposed for the first time in a long time.

“Once,” I uttered the word so faintly it was like I was trying to let it filter into the air, only to be carried off and never heard again. “But it hurt so bad that I’m terrified to let it happen again.”

TWENTY-ONE

James

Thirteen Years Ago

The night was eerily quiet.Like it too, was dreading what would come in the morning.

An unfortunate result of spending every second I could with Ivy during the past month meant that my last day in Willowwood was spent packing. Packing everything I should have packed over the summer and refused to because my time was otherwise occupied.

But I couldn’t leave that way. I refused to let the past month together end with a quick, hurried goodbye in front of her family and mine. This was how I found myself, only six hours before I had to leave bright and freaking early, hurrying across the open space between our two houses. I wasn’t worried about anyone being awake. They were all already asleep—her family and my own—so they could see me off at sunrise, but I was still quiet as I approached her window.

She hadn’t yet responded to my texts, but I also hadn’t given her a lot of time before I decided I couldn’t wait for her to tell me if she was or wasn’t awake. Her window was easy enough to open anyway if you knew how to push and slide it at the right angle.

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