Page 102 of Undeniable

“I wish you didn’t have to be either, Killer,” James whispered against my lips.

THIRTY-FIVE

James

“You spenta lot of time planning that party,” she said quietly, and the last thing I wanted was for her to feel guilty for anything else.

“Yeah, but who knows, maybe they’ll still be there when we get back.”

She laughed and shook her head. “That’s nice but very wishful thinking.”

She sighed contentedly and leaned closer into me. Her arms were wrapped around one of mine, and her head rested on my shoulder.

“You know, I almost told you once… actually, twice.”

What she’d been through, I couldn’t imagine. But I knew I’d spend my life making up for the time I hadn’t been there.Fuck,and knowing that she’d kept it from me to protect me? I didn’t deserve her.

I wrapped an arm around her and kissed her forehead, tucking her into my side where she belonged.

The sun had set nearly an hour ago, and rather than drive back to Austin or figure anything else out past that moment, we decided to stay there. We sat next to each other on the tailgate and stared out into the empty field. It was still warm, but the unbearable heat had given way, replaced by a slightlycooler, breezy night.

“Twice? When?”

She shifted and deftly tied her hair up in a messy knot on top of her head. My hand found the smooth skin at the nape of her neck, and I squeezed once, silently urging her to answer my question.

She leaned into my touch, and I would never get used to the smile she so freely offered me now.

“Once was that first Christmas when we were both back home for the first time,” she began.

“When you tried to keep me from coming back,” I clarified, and she rolled her eyes.

“It was actually Thanksgiving when I tried to bar you from holidays, but anyway… that first Christmas, I was still so angry and guilty that I didn’t even want to look at you, let alone talk to you. Then the second time was the first Christmas after we graduated college. I thought enough time had passed that maybe it would be okay, but then you brought that girl home, and I knew I couldn’t. It felt like it was the universe giving me a sign not to say anything. You seemed happy, and I didn’t want to fuck that up,” she said, and then quickly added, “And you were also being a colossal dick, and I didn’t want to comfort you when I told you.”

I chuckled and shook my head. She glanced at me, but her attention quickly went back to the small orange flower she was twirling between her fingers. In that brief look, I saw the weight of it—of holding that secret for so many years. But she didn’t have to carry it all by herself anymore.

I unceremoniously plucked the flower from between her fingers, knowing she would immediately look at me with a cute little scowl. She did exactly that with a frustrated “Hey!” before I tucked the little flower behind her ear and kept her eyes on me with my palm pressed against her opposite cheek.

“I may have seemed happy all those years ago, but I wasn’t. The last time I was truly happy was when we lay in this truck bed thirteen years ago. No woman before or after you ever compared. They never had a chance.”

Her breath caught, and I studied the way her eyes dilated and lips parted in the full moonlight. Her attention jumped between my eyes and my lips, and her hand came to rest in the middle of my chest.

“I thought when you found out that I’d kept something so big from you that you’d go ballistic. It’s been driving me crazy these past few weeks. It was easier to keep it a secret when I never saw you.”

“You thought that would change how I felt?”

She nodded and swallowed forcefully. My beautiful little Killer being nervous was new, and I didn’t like it at all.

“Don’t get me wrong, I am angry. I’m angry that I wasn’t there. That I didn’t get to support you through it. I’m angry that I didn’t fight harder for you.”

A stray breeze pulled a few strands of hair loose from her bun. The red hair tangled around her face, and I pulled a strand free from where it snagged on her lip.

“Back then, I was scared of what I felt,” I continued. “It had never been casual for me, but I didn’t want to ruin everything by trying to force a commitment from you, especially when I’d never done that before. And then the virginity talk came out of nowhere, and I knew I’d hurt you more than I thought possible. From then on, I was trying to be selfless and do right by you. I’d hurt you, and I didn’t deserve you for being such a fucking coward. But now… I’m a little too selfish to let you be with anyone else.”

She made a humming sound in the back of her throat, and a small smile tugged up the corners of her mouth.

She kissed me softly and tangled her hand in the hair at the nape of my neck.

“Show me,” she murmured against my lips, “just how selfish you are.”

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