Page 129 of Soul Forge

“I thought you might like it here,” Sypher said when he let her down, bending his knees until her feet touched the ground.

“You didn’t have to choose somewhere I’d like,” she frowned. “I’m here to helpyou.”

“I don’t like anywhere on Valerus right now, El.” His eyes strayed to the ocean far below. “If I could leave it behind, I would.”

“And leave me to face the future alone?” she asked quietly.

He smiled sadly. “That’s exactly why I can’t leave, and it scares the shit out of me.” He took her hands in his, a deep ridge settling between his brows. “I don’t know what I’ll do if anything happens to you. I’ve lost more than I ever thought possible. Before the mountain, I thought I’d been through everything the Spirits could throw at me. Now? I really don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on fighting for them.”

“You’re not fighting for them,” Elda replied. “You’re fighting for yourself, and for me, and for Julian. You’re fighting for the other children across Valerus who deserve to grow up, just like Ana and Eris deserved a life. You’d still fight for us even if you weren’t the Soul Forge.”

He released her hands and sat on the ground, dangling his legs over the edge of the cliff. “Then how do I handle this? I can deal with physical pain, butthis?” His voice cracked. “It’s crippling. Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces.”

She stooped to sit with him, dangling her legs beside his. Before she met him, the height would have terrified her. But now she had him to catch her. He was the one falling, and it was her turn to catch him before he could be smashed apart.

“Do you remember your whole life before?” she asked.

“I do.”

“Then perhaps you can take comfort in the happier memories. Their faces are a blessing, not a curse. Loss is hard. I’ve never had to experience it, and I can’t imagine how much it must hurt you. But you’re afather, Sypher. Isn’t it wonderful that you got to love Anaita even for a little while?”

His shoulders dropped. “Of course it is. That’s why it hurts so much. I can remember her face, her smile, her favourite colour. But I can’t remember how it felt to hold her or what her hair smelled like. Apart from what I heard of her voice in Iliria, I don’t remember what she sounded like. All of these new memories are silent, senseless images that remind me I had a child, but they don’t help to bring me peace.” Elda felt a lump forming in her throat. “My soul remembers her, but this body never held her. I’ve been robbed of the things that should give me comfort. I feel socheated.” He looked up, tears pouring down his cheeks. “What do I do, El?”

Elda knelt beside him and pulled him against her, wrapping her arms around him and drawing him in until his head rested on her shoulder. Her chest felt tight, the magnitude of the agony in his voice making it hard to find enough air.

“There isn’t a right way to handle what you’ve been through. I doubt anyone else has even come close to experiencing what you’ve had to endure.” She blinked away tears of her own.“You’re strong, Sypher. You’re so strong that sometimes it hurts to look at you, knowing just how much sits on your shoulders. I wish I could take some of that weight for you.”

“You do.” He didn’t lift his head from her shoulder when he spoke. “I’d be a mindless beast now if it weren’t for you. Vel is practically feral with rage.”

“That’s why you strangled Lillian,” she realised, her hand absently stroking the back of his neck. Somewhere inside him, Vel had been just as shattered by the revelation. She wondered what he’d be like the next time she was able to speak with him.

“I had to leave before I killed her. It’s not safe for me to be around people right now.”

“But it’s safe to be around me?”

“You’re not people.”

She smiled through her malaise. “I’m flattered.”

“You should be,” he mumbled. “Vel hates everyone.” She felt him yawn, though he tried to suppress it.

“You’re exhausted, Sypher. You haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten, and you haven’t relaxed enough to pull your wings in since we left Iliria.” The feathered weights had been present every time she’d seen him, like he wanted to be ready to take off at a second’s notice.

His brows knitted again when he sat up and looked at her, swiping the back of his gloved hand across his eyes to dry his face. “Ican’tpull them in,” he admitted. “I’m stuck like this. The moment I touched my bones, my wings became physical. They’re flesh and blood now, not sustained by magic. I don’t even know how that’s possible.”

“They’re permanent?”

“Apparently.” He stretched one out and glared at it. “They’re soheavy.”

“They weren’t heavy before?”

“They were. I’ve just never needed to carry them around for so long.” He sighed, his wings drooping enough that they hung on the ground behind him. “I feel so… untethered. Ana and Eris were my whole life. I’ve existed for eight centuries without even knowing who they were, and now I feel like someone has torn my heart out and set it on fire.”

“They’re still a part of your life.” She looked down at her hands, resting limply in her lap now Sypher had pulled away. “My mother told me that when you lose someone, the pain never goes away. It stays with you forever, but you grow around it. Eventually, you make room for other things. It’s still there, the grief, and it takes over every now and then and steals your breath away. But you learn to live with it.”

“I’m not sure how much room I have left to spare.”

“You’ll never stop being sad, Sypher,” she told him, wishing she could take his pain and carry it for a while just to ease the burden on him. “They were your family. You’ll miss them every day for the rest of your life, but you’ll find happiness in the other parts of your life that are still here right now.”

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