Page 32 of Song of the Dark Wood

She felt ashamed of needing the reassurance. Most of the time, it felt like men looked at her and saw a magical object instead of a woman. She knew from Mrs. Teverin’s lessons that men found that which was forbidden more appealing, so she was never sure if the way the eyes of the men in Ballybrine followed her was because of how she looked, what she was, or both.

Even with Finn, she couldn’t help but feel like he was in love with an idea of her rather than who she really was. He thought she was noble, but it wasn’t as if she had a choice. So much of her life was simply things happening to her. She often felt like a passenger along for a ride. Now, she’d had a chance to take the reins and instead she’d fallen asleep.

Sarai was one of her best friends, but Rowan kept her at a distance because her mother was the Crone, and she would be the next Crone. As much as Rowan longed to fully be herself with someone, she knew better than to let anyone see every part of her. She didn’t want Sarai to be put in a position where she’d get in trouble for hiding Rowan’s secrets.

Cade knew her better than almost anyone else. She didn’t realize how much she cared about his opinion until that moment.

With no warning at all, she burst into tears.

Cade’s eyes went wide. “Rowan, what are you doing? We have to get back.”

“I just—I just need a minute,” she said, covering her face in humiliation.

She felt pathetic crying in the forest because her only real friends were a ten-year-old, a seer, and a demon. All the stress and anxiety of the past week crashed down on her at once. She wished she could tell someone everything, to feel like there was just one place where she could fully be herself without needing to be on her guard. She wanted the kind of love that came so easily for everyone else. The kind she had never experienced and likely never would.

She didn’t blame people. Loving Orla hurt. Losing her was a sharp pain that scratched against her heart like a splinter, aching at the most unexpected times. It was hard to love someone so ephemeral. No one wanted to lose.

Even the Wolf seemed indifferent to Rowan, and that was too much on top of the rest. He was supposed to want to ravish her. She didn’t want to die, but she wanted to feel like some part of the many sacrifices she’d made served some higher purpose. Now even that had been stolen.

Rowan sobbed into her hands.

Cade tentatively patted her back. “It’s okay, Row. But seriously, we have to get out of the woods. You need to walk and cry.”

She used the edge of her cloak to wipe her eyes and continued to walk toward the lanterns flickering like distant stars at the end of the tree-tunnel trail. By the time she reached the border of the Dark Wood, her tears had dried into stiff, salty streaks on her cheeks. She drew up short when footsteps came from her right.

Both she and Cade jumped back as Finn stepped out of the shadows.

“Finn?” she choked out.

He held out his arms, but her gaze darted around the periphery. The risk of getting caught was too high. Instead, they stared at each other.

Finn cleared his throat. “I—I’m glad you’re all right. I was so worried. Sarai wanted to stay too, but the Crone wouldn’t let her.”

Rowan almost started crying all over again as Finn stepped closer. His eyes were ringed in dark circles, and his hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his hands through it constantly—like he did when he was anxious. She was shocked and comforted that he’d waited to make sure she was okay. He took a step toward her, but she held up a hand.

He looked her over for injuries. “Are you hurt? Did he?—”

She shook her head. “I’m exactly as I was before I left.”

“I’m supposed to bring you to the elders,” he said.

Cade let out an exaggerated sigh. “Can’t those perverts wait?”

Rowan’s shoulders slumped in resigned exhaustion. “Please, just let me go check on Aeoife. She’s going to be so worried if I’m not there.”

Finn nodded. “Go get some sleep. I’ll say I nodded off and missed you.”

She gave him a grateful smile, wishing he would hold her, before she turned and hurried to the tower doors. She paused on the threshold, turning back to look at Finn.

“Finn, thank you for waiting. It means a lot,” she said.

He sighed. “I told you I don’t mind waiting. As long as it takes.”

She took one last look at him before she closed the door and rushed upstairs to find Aeoife.

Rowan had just driftedoff to sleep beside Aeoife when a knock on the door ripped her from the dense fog of fatigue. Cade was gone, and Rowan was relieved not to have to face him after her outburst in the forest.

Mrs. Teverin burst into the room. “Thank the Mother! We were worried you didn’t make it back. The elders need to see you at once. You need to—” She stopped short, taking in Rowan’s puffy eyes.

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