Page 17 of Song of the Dark Wood

Rowan wasn’t certain that she wanted Finn as much as she was certain she wanted to choose something for herself. The words burst out of her before she could stop them.

“Finn, will you take me to bed?”

His eyes went wide in surprise, but he said nothing.

Rowan blushed and pressed on. “I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I’m terrified by what happened, but you’re the only person I trust with this. You’ll be gentle and kind. I know you care about me, and I want this. I want just one thing in my life to be a choice.”

Finn looked for a moment like he might give in, but then he ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “Row, I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to. Trust me, I do. But I would be no better than Elder Garrett if I did that.”

Rowan stood with a start. “Yes, you would. I’m asking you to. He tried to take with no permission. I have no power over anything in my life. I’ve never asked you for anything. Please, just let me make this choice for myself. Everything else in my life justhappensto me, but this is something I couldchoose.”

Finn faltered as he stood and stopped her pacing. “You’re going to survive this,” he insisted. “You’re going to make it to five years, and I’m going to make an honest woman of you. I want to marry you, Rowan.”

Too many years had passed since a Red Maiden had survived her five-year term for Rowan to believe she’d be an exception, or that the words were anything but a romantic promise to a doomed woman.

She needed him to see reason—force him, even, to see the fact that she’d never particularly wanted marriage, which seemed more a prison than a boon to her.

Though Finn differed from most men in Ballybrine, she was certain they didn’t want the same things. He saw her wild wandering as charming now, but it was clear he’d want her settled once they were married. All men wanted a wild woman until it was time to be tame. After being controlled her whole life, she couldn’t imagine willingly agreeing to be docile forever.She couldn’t imagine herself as the Lady Ashand, hosting stifling parties for fancy lords and ladies in Ballybrine.

Still, she let Finn entertain the fantasy because it was easier than trying to say goodbye to him.

Rowan met his blue eyes. He cupped her face in his hands, tilted her chin up, and kissed her. She’d never been kissed before. His lips were soft and warm against hers.

Finn tangled his hands in her hair as her heart beat against her rib cage like it was trying to escape. She gripped his shirt, pulling him closer. He tasted like peppermint—a fresh and invigorating taste that suited him so well she found herself eager for more. Her hands bunched in his tunic.

Finn’s hands clasped around her wrists, and he pulled away.

“Rowan, I can’t do more,” he whispered breathlessly. He brushed a hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Trust me, I do. But I won’t break a rule that could get you into trouble. I’m a believer. I’m not selfish enough to be the reason the Wolf is unhappy and comes to town to reap souls. My greatest fear is that you would be the one to pay for such a sin. Rowan, I want to, but I will not risk you or anyone else to satisfy a passing desire. I know you are afraid, but we will have plenty of time when your service is over, and I will make it up to you.”

Rowan turned away and leaned her forehead against the cool, rough stone of the wall. Despair crept into her.

“I’m sorry,” Finn whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged it off. “It’s fine. It was silly of me to ask,” she said tightly. She grabbed her cloak and started toward the door, but Finn blocked her way.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” he begged.

Rowan frowned, stepping farther away from him. “Please don’t ask me to give you absolution when I’m the one who’s terrified. Tomorrow I’m going to march through the Dark Woodalone, with a bunch of spirits on my tail. I’ll walk by the place where one of my only friends in this world died just a week ago. I’ll go to Wolf’s Keep, singing like my life depends on it. And then I’ll be subjected to whatever depraved thing he wants. I’ll never know what it is to be treated with compassion or gentleness. I may never get a chance to know what it is to be touched by someone who cares for me. If I have to deal with that knowledge, you may as well share the burden.”

Rowan yanked on her cloak and pushed by him, slamming the door before he could say another word. As she cut through the cold afternoon, angry tears streamed down her face. She made her way back to the tower and snuck in through the servant’s entrance, tucking her green cloak in its hiding place and making her way back to her practice and meditation space. She locked the door of the soundproof room and slumped to the floor.

Knees drawn into her chest, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. She cried for the dream that Finn tried to sell her. She cried for the part of her that wanted to believe so badly that it could truly happen. Most of all, she cried because she wasn’t even sure she’d want it if she could have it, and that made her feel like an ungrateful wretch.

5

ROWAN

Saturday blew in faster than a gale off the sea.

Dread crept through Rowan’s bones like a winter chill as she lay in bed and stared at the cracks in the ceiling. Sleep had been elusive.

In some small way, it was a relief to have the certainty of knowing her time had come. She’d been waiting fifteen years for it, and at least she could find peace in the fact that her first trip into the Dark Wood would happen at sundown.

If the sunlight streaming through her curtains was any indication, she had very little time until her mother and sisters showed up to help get her ready for her presentation to the town and her journey through the Dark Wood. She dreaded seeing her family almost as much as meeting the Wolf.

Rowan knew they loved her as best they could, but it never felt like enough.

Her earliest memories were of her mother bragging to neighbors that Rowan had been born on the summer solstice—the brightest day of the year in Eireione—as if her birth alone showed her distance from darkness.

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