Page 120 of Song of the Dark Wood

Conor looked down at his hands. For the first time, the air around him filled with a discordant melody.Shame. That’s what shame sounds like.

“I know. I should have. I should have handled this very differently. I could have spared you getting hurt like this again. When I saw him with you, I went a little mad. When I think of Valen’s hands on you, I cannot breathe.”

Rowan flushed as she remembered the way she’d been compelled by Valen’s words. She remembered the way she was desperate for his touch, desperate for more than that. She was so utterly exhausted of people taking power away from her, using her to prop up outdated beliefs and worldviews, using her life force as a power source, making decisions as if they knew better than her. The town of Ballybrine needed her where she was to protect their old traditions. To hold up a world that wouldn’t let Sarai love who she loved, even as she prepared to be their next Crone. Rowan was so tired of being a tool in someone else’s game.

“You have to stop deciding for me. You have to let me make my own choices, or you are the same as everyone else,” she said.

“Rowan, I have centuries of experience, and you won’t listen to me. What else am I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to trust me.”

“I do,” he insisted.

“Then tell me why you’re so afraid.”

Conor hesitated for only a moment. “Because I killed Lorna.”

Rowan froze. Lorna was the Red Maiden before Evelyn.

“I may not have killed Orla or Evie. But I killed every Maiden before them.”

Rowan swallowed hard. The thought had always tugged at the back of her mind, especially after the day Conor brought her down to his temple to see the shrines to each of the Maidens. He’d told her of nothing but his monstrosity. He’d never liedabout that. He’d warned her over and over. Beyond that, his insistence on avoiding her, being cold, trying to scare her away…all of it took on a new meaning.

He was a god trying to make things right, and giving her up was his penance.

“How?” The question slipped out of her mouth unbidden.

“I fucked her and drained all of her life force. There was more to it, though,” he sighed.

Rowan winced at the loud, keening music that cut through the air.

Conor studied her. “What is it?”

“I can hear you. It’s a song that sounds like mourning,” she said.

He swallowed. “Lo,” he murmured. “That’s what I called her. She was not meant for this life,” he sighed, a half-laugh tailing the words. “She was much like you in that way. Not exactly a pliant girl. The elders couldn’t stand her. You would have been young, so you probably don’t remember her well.”

“I remember a little, but she wasn’t around much,” Rowan admitted.

“Yes, she stayed with me most of the time.” He paused, looking into the fire. “She was brilliant, kind, and also full of righteous anger. We played chess. We talked about literature. She was honestly one of the first friends I had in centuries, with the exception of Charlie, of course.”

He fell silent, and Rowan said nothing. She didn’t even move for fear he would stop telling her the story.

“I tried to just take sips of her life force, thinking it wouldn’t be so bad. Demon’s breath, Rowan, it was like a drug. I could not get enough of her.”

Rowan still said nothing. The words were both devastating and not entirely surprising. He’d never lied about it. He told herthat he was a monster from the beginning. Still, his grief formed a somber song that broke through the air around them.

“She was in love with me, and I took advantage of that love.”

“You didn’t care for her?” Rowan asked. “The song around you says otherwise.”

“Of course I cared. But I cared for a fix of her more thanher. I lost control, and I killed her. I’ve gone over and over that day hundreds of times. I relive it daily. I think of what I could have and should have done differently. And that is why I scared you away. That is why I chased you from me.”

“Because you feel the same way about me?” Rowan asked.

“No, because I feel more. I?—”

Rowan held her breath.

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