Page 66 of Operation: Integrity

He waited, letting her find her words if she wanted to. When she didn’t continue, he said, “I know. It’s hard. Sometimes it feels impossible.” He turned the box over and in delicate white writing it said, Phil. 4:12.

“What does that mean?” She reached for the box so she could put on the ring. Accepting wasn’t a question. Whether it was merely a promise for now or a promise for always, it meant the same to her.

“It’s a verse in the Bible. It says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“All things.” Her voice choked again.

“All things,” Sam repeated.

She tilted her face up and rose on her toes. This time, he met her, and she relaxed into him. This kiss held slightly more promise in it than those before, making her heart skitter around like rabbit.

He ended the kiss quickly, but held her close. “We should get back soon and help. This year, I have a lot to be thankful for.”

Anna hadn’t asked her outright if she had anything she personally would feel thankful for, though she’d told her, anyway. Now, she could add one more thing to her list.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“How soon is too soon?” Kelly gripped the arms of Brendon’s chair facing his desk. The man managed to somehow be this really strong guy, but still completely non-threatening. At first, she hadn’t been sure she’d be able to spill all her thoughts and all her garbage to a guy. Especially a guy who didn’t, at first glance, look like he’d understand. Now, she wanted to sit there and talk to him. The more she did, the more she understood what needed to happen for her future.

“Too soon for what?” Brendon tilted his head to the side.

He did that whenever he knew what she was thinking but wanted her to put her thoughts into words. The more she did that, the more she examined how she actually felt. It was strange. She would say his help was invaluable in the very same breath that she would say that she’d come to the healing she had by herself. While she was nowhere near fully healed, might never be, she saw the gaps in her own life now. He’d led her to them and let her bridge them on her own terms.

“Too soon to fall in love again. I mean, not fall. I don’t know that I ever really stopped loving him. I think my love for Sam got me through until I found Christ. When Anna told me about salvation, that made me hold onto a thread of hope. Sam isn’t my savior, and he never will be, but I never stopped loving him.”

Brendon gave a slight and rare smile. “Sounds pretty astute to me. I would just say to take it slow. Don’t rush anything. If you start to feel stressed or pressured, even if that pressure is only on your side, slow down. Sam won’t rush you.”

She relaxed into the seat and rested her head against the back of the chair. “I know. He told me that he would be fine living just the way we are for the rest of our lives, if that’s what is the best for me. How could I not love a man willing to do that?”

Brendon scribbled something in his ever-present paper notes. “No one is forcing you to love, Kelly. I know you were just expressing how much you care but it is, and always will be, your choice. You should get up every morning and choose to love that one person. There will be days when it’s hard. Sam will leave his socks on the floor, or he won’t make the coffee quite right or . . . whatever, and things like that can build up. That’s when we choose to love, we talk about what is bugging us, then we either decide those things are too much and we look for counseling or we let them go and look at the things that are good and positive about the one we love. But there will always be that choice.”

Kelly ran her thumb over the bumpy surface of the flower promise ring. He’d promised to make her his first choice every day. Vows in front of people or not, he was going to stick by her. Sam was a man of his word. If hesaid he would choose her every day, he would. Could she say the same?

“I would choose him. I’ve never met a man like him who made me believe I was worth something. I didn’t have to try with him or be someone I’m not. I didn’t have to flirt to get his attention or to keep it. He was steady and secure. He made me feel like the best Kelly Chambers was what he saw. Which is why when he saw me with someone else, it broke his vision of me.”

He’d never expressly told her that, but in her counseling, she’d come to realize that fact. No one should be put on a pedestal. Now, Sam knew not to do that with her or anyone else. She’d forced him into a hard lesson, just like he’d made her realize that people can’t read your mind. If she didn’t tell him what was wrong, he couldn’t be expected to know.

“You have a good head on your shoulders, Kelly. You’re strong and I think you’ll get to the other side. Sometimes, it just takes wanting it. You have to believe it for yourself before anyone else believes in you.”

Kelly closed her eyes and remembered that Sam had said the same thing about Zeus. No one had believed Zeus could be a good dog, that he was worth saving. They’d wanted to put him down as abad dog. But Sam had noticed something no one else did and that something had saved Zeus.

“I’m not a bad girl,” she whispered, only realizing after she’d said it that the words had actually come from her mouth.

“No, you’re not,” Brendon confirmed. “Why do you say that?”

“My grandmother told me. Over and over, I was a bad girl. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Or I tried toohard to get attention. I don’t think I ever pleased her, so I tried to please everyone else because I wanted to be loved so badly. I don’t know why her opinion mattered so much. Probably because she was the only one who had a strong opinion about me. My parents were older, and they just didn’t care if I was in sports or got an A in every class.”

“So, you assigned the greatest importance to the one you actually had to prove yourself to,” Brendon said.

“I suppose. Maybe I liked a challenge? I don’t know. I just know that when she died, I didn’t feel a sadness that she was gone. I won’t even talk about the guilt that brought up. I only felt bad that I would never be able to earn her approval. My chance was gone.”

Kelly finally raised her head, realizing that she’d avoided looking at Brendon that whole time. He reached forward and laid both hands on his desk.

“I want you to know that people who seek the approval of others have a lot of difficulty achieving it. She could’ve lived for years longer and you may still never have found what you were looking for.”

She nodded. “I know. There was no pleasing her. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. That I didn’t try.”

“People can be hard, but it’s because we’re human. We fail. A lot. I want you to work on actively turning around any thoughts you have of your grandmother. If a memory comes forward that threatens to chop your feelings, I want you to do something to divert your mind. Eat a sour candy. Chew on an ice cube. Wash your hands in hot water, but not hot enough to burn, obviously. Anything that will give a physical response for you to focus on instead of those memories. They have no business in the here and now.”

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