Page 13 of Operation: Integrity

That meant the job of protecting both her body and her mental well-being fell to him, a man who shouldn’t be helping her at all.

Chapter Six

With a racing heart, Kelly waited beside the Wayside kennel for Sam to come out with a dog. He’d joked that if she was going to take a walk outside the range of the buildings, having a dog with her was always a good idea. She’d never had a dog growing up, and the idea of having one at their side was frightening.

The kennels were well maintained with fresh red paint and a green metal roof with a stiff peak. The windows were narrow so she couldn’t see inside, but she could hear barking and Sam’s voice. He sounded different with the dogs, commanding. When he was with people, Sam faded to the background, often silent and listening to everyone else. She wondered why he was so different with the dogs.

Sam opened the door, and a huge German shepherd strode directly at his side, his eyes locked on Sam, not on where he was going. Almost like the dog was one with Sam. He literally stuck to Sam’s thigh. She’d never seen a dog heel like that.

“Is that what he’s supposed to do?” she asked. She couldn’t keep a slight note of worry from her voice, though she hadn’t meant to. What kind of training would he have to put the dog through to get him to do that?

Sam gave her a half-smile that didn’t leave her feeling worried like most smiles from men. “He’s trained to do that because he was in danger of euthanasia for attacking someone. He has to be on his best behavior all the time because this is his last chance. When he first came to Wayside, he’d been abused and even came close to attacking a child. He did bite a man. Connor warned me that if this dog couldn’t be 100% rehabilitated, he’d have to go somewhere else. Animal control wanted to eliminate the threat completely. If I didn’t help him, he’d likely be put down.”

Sam scratched the dog behind the ear. “Honestly, not all dogs can have the fear and aggression trained out of them. This boy had the one thing that leads to success, which is why I even asked for a chance to help him. This good boy wanted to please someone. He wanted someone toseehim as a good boy. That’s what it takes. Without that, no amount of training will overcome what was originally done to him.”

“He was abused . . .” Like she had been. This dog would understand her deepest hurts, or at least in part, what she’d been through. But he was a good boy in his heart. She wasn’t a good anything.

“We don’t know for sure if he was physically hurt but, based on his training, there are things I suspect. Yes.”

Kelly dropped to her knees on the frigid grass and held out her hands to the dog. Her mind raced.What if he attacked her? What if Sam was wrong and he wasn’t rehabilitated?But what if he was?Dogs weren’t humans, but thefact that this dog had a job, had someone he loved and trusted, and was a contributing member of the community, gave her a little hope.

Sam said a word that wasn’t English and the big dog laid down, then belly crawled to her, touching his cold nose to her hand. Tears escaped her eyelids, immediately burning her face in the crisp air, but she didn’t care. She let the dog sniff her fingers for a moment and then scratched him under the chin. The dog inched closer, closer still, until he laid over her lap. He stretched up and licked the side of her face.

“What’s his name?” she asked, scrubbing away the fresh tears.

“Zeus,” Sam said quietly, almost reverently. “I’ve never seen him do that before.”

“He knows we’re alike, he and I. We have a lot in common.” She buried her face in his bristly soft neck but didn’t hug him. She’d heard somewhere along the way that dogs didn’t like embraces. Then again, she usually didn’t either. Funny how she’d collected all this knowledge of what dogs didn’t like, but she had no idea what they did.

Finally, she stood and brushed the grass off her legs, then cringed at the wet splotches. “I’m going to get cold fast, huh?” Why was she always winding up on the ground in front of Sam? What was wrong with her?

“Stop putting yourself down. I can see on your face when you’re doing it. In your head. You do it a lot.” Sam whistled and Zeus immediately took a seated position at his side.

Her own doubts were always raging where she’d thought they were private. When she could be beaten or worse for saying anything, she had to question her worldand what would happen on the inside, for self-preservation.

Sam went on, “I know. You’ve had to think about your every move, every breath, every deed, for years. It’s natural to keep questioning. All I’m saying is, try to get in the habit of letting us take some of that burden of worry for now. That’s our job. That will allow your mind to start thinking of ways to heal or even good things once in a while. I don’t want you to ever lose your situational awareness, because that can protect you out in the world. But you don’t have to worry about every word or thought while you’re here. Okay?”

“Having faith is one of the most difficult things in the world to do.” She’d never told anyone of her fears, because they seemed like blasphemy. “There was another girl with me. We didn’t get to talk often, but she was so sweet. She didn’t deserve to be there.”

“Do you think you did?” Sam asked quietly, as he led her toward a trail where long grass had been cut during the summer months, making the path easy to see.

“I made my choices.” She hated admitting that to Sam, but she refused to lie. “She didn’t. She was at church one night and stayed late to help the youth pastor clean up. He had to go because his wife suddenly went into labor. She called her mother to tell her she needed a ride, but the church had to be locked. She felt safe there. It never occurred to her that a car would drive up. Men would jump out. Her life would be forever altered. She never went home.” Kelly’s voice cracked. That girl had changed her life, and Kelly had never gotten the chance to repay the favor.

“I’m sorry. There are so many men out there workingto find people. But for every worker, there are thousands of missing people.”

“I know. Her name was Anna. I’ll never forget her. I was beaten pretty bad. I don’t want to go into what else, but I thought I was going to die. Anna cried over me. She told me about Jesus. She told me that Jesus would give me peace. Nothing can give you peace while you’re there, but I had to believe something. I had to cling to something. I still believe that I lived that night because I called out the name of Jesus.”

Sam gently gripped her hand, not tightly but firmly. “Jesus saves lives. If there wasn’t a plan for you here on this earth, he would’ve taken you home right then. You are valuable to Him.”

“I don’t feel it.” She’d wanted to. She’d begged God to let her feel worthy of Jesus’ death. She’d begged God to let her feel her purpose, but since that night she hadn’t felt that power. “That doesn’t mean I don’t believe. I clung to that flimsy faith the whole time. I don’t have sermons or a Bible to go off of. I’m probably not doing anything right, but I believe.”

“Then you have a good start.” Sam took her along the gently sloping path. Zeus ran on ahead, then came back when he felt like they were getting too far behind. Birds chirped in the distance.

“This is what Connor was talking about. He talked about feeling free. When I’m up by the buildings, I feel like I’m being watched because when I was held, I was. But out here . . . there’s nothing but trees and grass, and birds. There’s nothing to judge me. No one to look at me. I finally feel . . .” There were no words. She held her hands out wide and felt the sun hit her face. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she consciously smiled. Inthat moment, she felt that swirling inside her, the stirring, just like that night. The healing presence of God.

Sam waitedfor her to finish speaking, but she seemed too overwhelmed to continue. It wasn’t an unusual thing for clients of Wayside to go through. At some point, they often reached what could only be described as a break. They came to the realization that life would be forever different from what they had ever experienced before. It would never be as it was before they were taken, but it wouldn’t be like it was there. For some, the realization was terrifying. For others, freeing.

He resigned himself to letting her process her emotions without pushing her for comments or to examine her thoughts further. Doing so would only cloud her moment. He’d had his own come-to-Jesus flashback in the last day, and he still didn’t know how he would deal with it or what the next few weeks or months would look like.

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