Page 54 of Operation: Discovery

“I’m not just going to leave you alone. That’s what happened to you in the field, and it won’t happen here.” Connor gripped the back of his chair, stopping his progress.

“What are you doing? Don’t yank me around like that.” He wouldn’t tug one of the other guys by the arm. Why was touching his chair okay?

“Brendon,” Connor came around and faced him. “You made it. You’re okay. I know you hate to be in a situation where you feel helpless. I tried to get here as quick as I could.”

To help him. Because he needed help, just like Dee had thought all those years ago. Was that what his life looked like to those on the outside? Was he a guy who could do most of what he wanted but if someone put him in a situation where he didn’t have help and he was all but a baby?

“Yeah, I made it just fine with help.” He gritted the words out of clenched teeth.

“Everyone needs help sometimes. When my back pain goes through the roof, I have to call Lacy to come help me out of bed in the morning. No one knows about that because I don’t want the guys to think their leader is weak.”

“Why would we think you’re weak for having back pain?” That made no sense. All of them were reaching an age where back pain happened more and more frequently and Connor had been injured in the line of duty, he was bound to have bad days.

“It’s no different for you. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, you manage, and we don’t even think of you struggling to handle anything. I didn’t exactly run right over here after the bomb went off because I know you’re capable, you’re resourceful. This doesn’t say anything about your strength or ability. You were stuck on the ground and once you’d flattened yourself to avoid getting hit by debris, you were stuck. Given enough time, I know you could’ve gotten back in that chair, but why should I let you struggle when I’m right here to help?”

Because deep inside, it was easier to think of people as being different from him even as he craved the belief that he was the same. In practice, he’d found others did that a lot and had assumed he was immune. It wasn’t until Dee had come and he’d watched Rebecca, a person new to her wheels, struggle with the same things he’d struggled with, that he could see the dichotomy in his own thinking.

“I don’t like feeling trapped and I don’t like needing help.”

“Congrats. You’re former military. Welcome to the club.” Connor snorted. “None of us like asking for help. None of us like believing for a second that we might need someone else. And just because someone wants to help you, doesn’t mean they think you’re incapable. It means they care about you enough to know when you need help. Don’t think for a second that I won’t let you struggle when you need to. When it’s time for you to really wrestle with something that will build you up, that’s on you until you ask for help. But I’m not going to let a brother of mine wallow in the dirt when it’s not necessary.”

Brendon glanced at Dee. She’d turned back to her job, her shoulders hunched against the chill wind that blew across the prairie, waving the grass. She was strong and capable. When he’d wanted to protect her from harm, she’d asked him to let her go so she could help others. Would she struggle with wanting to help him or know him like Connor? Would he wrestle with the same for her?

“I never wanted to feel trapped on the ground like that again.”

Connor rested a heavy hand on his shoulder. “No one wants to be trapped on the ground. But this time, God provided a brother. You weren’t left on the ground to be found later.”

He closed his eyes and the scene where he’d broken his back played in vivid detail, as if it had happened yesterday. He felt the crushing weight of his body, landing, pressing, compressing, his tender spinal cord.

And he’d sat there, waiting for help. Knowing he couldn’t move.

But not this time. God had provided and He’d keep providing. “You’re right. Thank you.”

“Bus is coming. Unless you need to be seen, why don’t you get in your car? I’ll send Dee over as soon as they arrive. There’s nothing more we can do here until they put out the fire.”

Brendon nodded and started the push to his car, praying for the man on the ground and the ability to talk to Dee about what had happened. He hoped she would be even more understanding than Connor.

ChapterTwenty-Two

Brendon arrived for the morning meeting ahead of everyone else to talk to Connor about what had happened the day before. He’d talked to Dee on the drive back to Wayside, but she had seemed hurt that he’d rejected her in his time of need. He couldn’t explain to her in a way she was willing to hear why he didn’t want her to see him as needy.

Even if they eventually fell in love, married, and formed a partnership, he still didn’t want her to think he was the weaker partner. They should be equal, both in faith and standing as a family. But she was concerned that he was shutting her out, thinking less of her because he wasn’t trusting her to know when she could help him and when she should stay away and let him manage on his own.

In that way, he wasn’t so different from everyone else. No one lived a life where they never needed anyone. His thoughts had kept him awake most of the night yet again. At some point, he’d need to sleep.

“You look horrible.” Connor frowned. “I know you’ve been doing more counseling on certain days so you can help Dee on others, but it might be a good idea to go back to your regular schedule for a while and maybe get a nap.” Connor snorted.

“It’s not my schedule.” He raked his hand through his hair. “It’s me. I’m fighting with some thoughts. I don’t know if it’s pride or if I’m just protecting myself.”

“From who?”

“From Dee, you … from the world at large.” He rested his forehead in his hand. “I have tried so hard to make sure everyone around me saw me as just another guy. I’ve never asked for anything special because I didn’t want it. I wanted a regular life in as much as I could have one.”

“And we’ve tried to give you that. I didn’t ask you before I put the ramp in because I knew you’d never agree to it. I did it anyway. Same with your housing. It was already there, but I had it set up before you got here because I didn’t want you to think we were doing extra to accommodate you. I’ve known from the moment I met you that you were not the kind of guy who would ask for anything. But, like I said yesterday, I’m not going to let you flounder. That’s with any of my guys. Not just you. So, maybe it is a pride thing. Maybe you think the others are weak for accepting help, but that’s on you. None of us feel that way.”

The bar was different for him because none of the other guys at Wayside lived life with the assumption from everyone who met them that they couldn’t live without help. It just wasn’t true, but it was exhausting to try and refute.

“Well, let’s take your mind off this for now.” Connor pulled his cellphone out from under some papers, opened it, and pressed the screen a few times. “I talked to Nixon this morning. He’s finally back from Cheyenne.”

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