Page 37 of Operation: Discovery

Dee turned away, unwilling to listen any further. Those people had needed masks because of what they were doing. They must have wanted to hire people to paint the inside in order to cover up what they’d done. She’d become a nurse to help people. How could someone in her profession take life from someone? Especially from children.

“It might not be him.” Brendon stopped at her side. “While it might be, we can’t lose hope until we’re given all the information.”

She lowered down into the long grass, letting the delicate, waving stalks hide her from the officer’s view. “I don’t want to sound cruel and say it doesn’t matter. A body is a body, but it does matter. A child so young had their whole life ahead of them. They had promise. Their parents had hopes for them …”

“I’m sure they do and, you’re right, people do and should value the lives of children. I know you know this, but every life is valuable. If you didn’t think so, you wouldn’t be a nurse.”

Did he truly believe that? After what she assumed he thought of her, was he just saying that because of the situation? “I don’t know that you really believe that.”

“Why wouldn’t I? If I thought for a moment you didn’t care for the sanctity of human life, you wouldn’t be helping us at Wayside.” He stiffened in his chair.

The timing might be all wrong, but he hadn’t brushed off her words this time, meaning they were finally going to discuss the past, at least until he chose to clam up once again. “Whatever you believe, I’m concerned that it’s based at least in part on what we went through before. You left for a reason, and I think I know what that reason is. I also want to go so far as to say that if I’m right about what you thought, then you were wrong.”

His jaw hardened. “We don’t need to delve into this here.”

“Why not? Now is as good a time as any, and we probably should’ve gotten everything out in the open before we even started working together.”

“Fine. What do you believe I thought?” He crossed his arms.

All the warmth he’d imparted a minute before evaporated. Dee took a deep breath and leaned back on the heels of her hands, letting the sun warm her chilled skin. “I believe you thought I didn’t love you, that I wanted someone,” she used air quotes, “like me, to love. That’s not true. I wanted you. I never wanted anyone but you.”

Brendon looked away. “By pushing me to be anything but me?”

He was hurt. This big, strong man who was compassionate, caring, and determined had been hurt by her encouragement. She could either be offended that he’d believed for a moment she could be so cold, or she could realize that his hurt came from a painful point in his history. He had been healing physically and mentally at the time. While he’d coped better than a lot of other men in his position, he’d still had to learn to live with his capabilities at that time.

“I pushed you to try everything you could. I’m sorry that my excitement to help you and my dedication to my job drove a wedge between us. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I wish you’d talked to me before walking away. I wish we could’ve worked out our problems instead of wishing for years that I understood what had happened, then respecting the boundary you created.”

“I couldn’t tell you.” He slowly shook his head. “I loved you and I couldn’t hurt you like that.”

She snorted. “But you could hurt me by walking away. I never got over you, Brendon.”

* * *

Dee’s words,though soft as the breeze, were like a punch to the face. She’d never gotten over him. Just like he’d never gotten over her. He had walked away and severed their relationship, because at the time he wasn’t sure how to communicate his feelings. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her. Maybe he still wasn’t good at communicating his feelings because he hadn’t wanted to have this conversation at all.

Brendon said, “I knew you were resilient. You could and would grow and move on. You were and are vivacious and beautiful. You want to help everyone with this exuberance that I can’t match.”

“Why not?” She shifted from sitting on the ground to her knees, kneeling in front of him. “I want to know why you think you can’t match my excitement and willingness to help people? You help people all the time.”

He shook his head. “We are very different. I don’t believe a couple has to do everything together to be happy, but we don’t have anything in common. You run and dance. You help all these people and are constantly on the go. You’ve asked to leave the ranch all three days that you’ve been there. I leave every once in a great while. I’m simply concerned that if we just pick up where we left off, we’ll find that we aren’t nearly as compatible as we thought.”

“But what if we are? I told you I don’t dance much anymore. I don’t want to be held by some stranger. Dancing in my twenties was just fun. Now, I see it as pre-intimate. I’m very careful about who I allow in my circle and most people aren’t welcome. Yes, I run but I run alone. I never asked you to join me. Every couple has things they do apart from each other. I don’t expect you to be a carbon copy of me. How boring would that be?”

“Why not?” They’d already determined that it was his fault for leaving, but she had a few preconceived notions about him and paraplegics in general that needed to come out. “I love keeping fit. Why don’t you ask me to run with you?”

She laid her hands, threaded together like she was ready to pray for him. “I’m sorry, Brendon. I didn’t ask you because I was so afraid of offending you. When a person who is ‘normal’ wants to interact with someone who is labeled ‘disabled’, there has to be an understanding between them, spoken or not. There has to be an understanding that the one without disability asks questions or offers information based on what they know. There is no malice there. Based on our past, I didn’t ask you to join me because I was afraid I would offend you at the wordrun. I don’t want to hurt you, Brendon.”

He threaded his fingers through hers, soaking in the warmth and the softness. “I’m sorry too. I should’ve known better. I should’ve seen the truth, knowing who you are, that you didn’t mean to push me into anything but success. I just didn’t feel it. I felt pushed to the point of giving up. I felt inadequate in your eyes. No man wants to feel that way.”

Dee tucked her chin. Brendon wanted to lean forward and kiss the crown of her head, but he held back. They needed to get all of this out before he could do anything that would connect them in such a way.

“I didn’t know you before you lost the use of your legs. I only know what you told me. Your heroic stories. All that you did. I thought you wanted that back. I thought you wanted to be …”

“You thought I wanted to go back in time and have what I had before the accident. I did at first. My life was very good before the accident. But somewhere along the way between the doctors telling me that with my spine break where it was, I could do x-y-z, I was still getting used to my chair. I was still working hard to succeed every day, to learn one new thing at least every week.”

Dee nodded wildly. “Yes! I remember. I was so proud of you. You were still supposed to be resting, but you wouldn’t. You pushed yourself faster than anyone I had seen before that. Maybe that’s part of why I thought you would just keep going, keep learning, until you could walk again.”

He succumbed to the urge to brush her hair from her face, letting his hand linger on her cheek. She tilted her head slightly, pressing her face to him.

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