Page 55 of Operation: Chosen

“My uncle took me in when I was nine but didn’t want me there. He took me in because my drug-addicted mother asked him to. He’d rescued his sister from everything since she was a child, so he felt he had to do it again. I would bet my mother grew up getting hit too, which is probably why she turned to drugs.”

“And you turned to work to escape,” he surmised.

“I don’t like feeling out of control. I saw what it did to my mom. She escaped the pain in some ways, initiated it in others. When I saw this cabin, it was exactly like that cabin so long ago. I hate it. I haven’t slept well since I got here.”

Eric stopped her and turned her to face him. He didn’t see a single dark line under her eyes or any sign of fatigue. “How do you manage to keep that a secret?”

She snorted a little more forcefully. “I’m very good at keeping secrets. I’ve done it my whole life.”

Suddenly, all the pieces fit into place. “That’s why you turned me down. You needed, to your very core, to know you could get away from your uncle and be your own person. If you loved me, you’d have to depend on someone else and…you can’t do that. When I said I wasn’t going to stay in the military, you were worried you wouldn’t be able to do what you needed to in order to get away from your family.”

She paled slightly and looked away. “I’ve never been an open book, and I don’t suspect I ever will be. If that bothers you, I can go back home right now.”

Eric brushed her tousled hair from her face. “I’m not either. I think we both have a lot to get used to.” He pulled her close and held her, relishing the feel of her arms around him and her cheek pressed to his chest. “I don’t want you to go, but like I said in the truck, I understand if you need to. Don’t make your decision based on feelings. Look at what that did for you so far in your life.”

Ali stiffened slightly. “I know you’re right. I know what you’re saying. I turned you down because of fear. I didn’t tell you what was going on in my head then, because if I did, I would’ve had to tell you about my uncle. You weren’t the same guy then…”

It was his turn to chuckle. “Are you saying I had anger issues? Because I was young and had trouble controlling it back then.”

“It doesn’t seem to be an issue now.”

He swallowed back the self-deprecating remark that bubbled to the forefront of his mind. He’d shown her his anger for the first week she was here. He now wished he could go back and be who she’d needed him to be.

“When your horse was taken, you could’ve been angry and yelled. You could’ve acted out, but it just made you driven to find her and find answers. You never lost control,” Ali said.

“I’m not perfect. I was still angry with you when you got here.”

“Justifiably. I see now that the reason I didn’t want to tell you why I had turned you down in front of everyone wasn’t because I don’t look back, it was because I was ashamed, and you were angry for a good reason.”

“Good reason or not, I should’ve tried. I’m not proud of how I acted.”

“I’m not either. I justified myself for years because what I did helped me succeed. I had the success, but it was a lot of work to keep up. I needed more and more to feel important, to feel needed. Now I’m indispensable in some areas, but I feel even less successful because it’s just more work to maintain.” Her shoulders fell. “Then there’s the guilt I carry for wanting to just give up.”

He felt an internal nudge to forgive her. To let all of it go. Holding on to his anger wasn’t helping either of them. “Remember I told you about forgiveness in the truck? Forgiving yourself?”

She looked up at him and nodded. “I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to do that.”

“You might not need to.” He took a breath and hoped he was saying the right thing. “I forgive you. I don’t hold what you did against you anymore.”

She took a step back, and her mouth dropped open. “I can’t… I didn’t even say I was sorry. How can you do that?”

He felt her pulling away even more than just physically. This separation would be his fault if he didn’t clarify himself. They’d waited too long. “Because I don’t want it to stand between us anymore.”

Ali slowly shook her head. “People don’t do that. They always want punishment for crimes committed. They want restitution, if not retribution. People don’t just forgive without…something.”

“I do.” He kept his words simple. If he tried to defend himself, he’d only sound like he was lying, and he wasn’t.

“I don’t know how you can say that.” She blew out a long breath. “I don’t even know what to say or how to react to that. I didn’t expect it, and I don’t know if I want it.” She turned and rushed toward her cabin.

Eric followed her. “Ali, don’t let this hurt you. I’m letting my emotions over our past go. It’s gone. We can start over just like you asked.”

She fumbled with her key and jabbed it in the lock. “You say that now, but what about when we have an argument? Will you bring all of this back up then? Will you use it against me later?”

He tugged her around to face him and to look him in the eye. “That’s not how I treat forgiveness. When I’m done, it’s done. You don’t have to worry about this coming between us anymore.” He hoped she could eventually forgive him too. He’d been rash and angry, which was probably another reason she’d turned him down in front of so many people. He never would’ve hurt her, but she couldn’t know that. Not with the life she’d had. She probably thought refusing his offer in the middle of a crowd was a safety measure.

He took a deep breath, and his focus shifted with a scent on the breeze. Smoke… “Ali, I’m not trying to change the subject here or diminish your reaction, but do you smell that?”

She looked up and scrunched her face. “Yes, it smells like fire. It’s kind of early in the morning for the fire pit, isn’t it?”

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