Page 49 of Operation: Chosen

Ali shook her head and forced herself to look out the window. “Why don’t they just deputize you and give you some protection?”

“A badge protects you from litigation. It doesn’t protect you from bullets or anything else. Deputy Blake will be in Piper’s Ridge, waiting to hear from me.”

She couldn’t name her fear, but it clung to her skin. “I’m worried.”

“You seem to be doing a lot of that lately.”

She snorted. “Well, it’s completely your fault.”

He laughed, and it ended with a soft grunt. “That so? Seems like all of our issues are my fault.”

If he had both hands to drive, she’d have reached for his hand. She wanted to make him understand that she hadn’t left because of anything he’d done. It was what he hadn’t done and her misunderstanding of his feelings. She should’ve realized that he wasn’t nurturing because he hadn’t been nurtured. She shouldn’t have expected him to know how to care for her without showing him.

Back then, she’d assumed everyone should just know and crave that kind of relationship. Now she knew better. People knew what they knew based on their interests and their history. Very little else made an impact on memory or daily living.

“Not even close,” she replied. “There are two of us here.” The cab was too dark to see his reaction, and the glow from the dashboard didn’t reach his face. “I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, and change how I acted.”

“In a way, you can.” He shifted in his seat to adjust his arm on the armrest and flinched at the movement. “It’s called forgiveness.”

“You want me to forgive you? For what?” She already felt guilty for misreading him. What would he have done that she needed to forgive?

“No. Yourself.”

His words were soft but hit her like he’d yelled them. She needed to forgive herself? “I don’t know what you mean.” Was this more of that Christian stuff he believed?

“Ali, you’ve held on to this situation in a fierce grip just like I did. You say you never look back, but that’s because you don’t want to. Inside, you do. You think about the things you did. You justify them. We all do that. And if you can look back on it and not wish you did something different, you don’t need to forgive. But evaluating what you think you did wrong and deciding that you will do things differently next time or letting yourself grow means forgiveness. It’s easier when you have faith because there’s literally someone you can take your problems to. But forgiveness isn’t just a Christian thing.”

If they’d been anywhere but alone in his truck and if Eric weren’t the type of guy who needed to help people heal, she would’ve been shocked that he’d spoken more than a sentence about this. Eric wasn’t a talker, making her want to pay attention to what he’d said even more. That made him different than her ex-husband too. Frank was a braggart. He lived his life and loved to tell everyone how to live theirs.

Her mind slowly turned over what Eric had said, looking for flaws or errors in any part of it. “Letting go of something you can’t change is hard.” She clamped her mouth shut. The conversation bordered on everything she found uncomfortable, and she avoided feeling that way with all that was in her.

“Even with help?” Eric offered.

“But it’s easier your way.” She couldn’t even manage the wordChristianity.

“In some ways, yes. There’s a verse that would probably ruffle your feathers. Jesus was speaking, and he said, ‘Come to me all of you who are weak and weary. I will give you rest. I am humble, and my yoke is easy to bear.’ And superficially he’s talking about a yoke like oxen wear. But that word can also mean something like philosophy. Rabis at that time had their own determinations of what scripture meant, and it was their ‘yoke.’ Jesus was saying that his teaching was freeing, not cumbersome.” Eric took a deep breath. “Not that I’m a Bible scholar.”

She wanted to laugh but not at Eric, so she held it in. “You’re right. The wordyokewould’ve made my blood boil. I just don’t see how anyone can believe any of it with all the things that go on in this world.” Maybe God existed at some point, but there was no way he had anything to do with people now.

“A lot of us believe because we’ve lived through the worst things and come out the other side. We’ve seen the mountains and the valleys. But there’s this thing about valleys. They make you look up,” Eric said.

Ali bit her lip so hard she almost tasted blood. She’d climbed out of the valley on her own terms and never looked back. Now she was at the peak and could see the wonderful things around her. Nothing stood in her way. Except a job that expected her to be there and didn’t respect her need for time off. And her house was empty of everything but what she owned. No one was waiting for her. No one wondered where she was at the end of a day.

A text came through on Eric’s phone where it sat in a holder on the dash. The bright light made the text easy to read.

Where are you, man? Worried about you.

Ali blinked away tears. How could that text have come through in the instant when she was thinking about how lonely she was?

A second bubble appeared.

Is Ali with you? We can’t find her anywhere. Lacy is frantic.

“I don’t answer texts while I’m driving and especially not with one arm.” Eric chuckled. “If you want to let them know we’re about ten minutes from home and have Skyfall, that would be great.”

He couldn’t know what she was warring with in her head. That sending a text was the last thing she wanted when she was confused and her heart was searching for answers.

“I don’t want to go.” The words tumbled from her lips, and she repeated them, stronger this time.

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