Page 26 of Operation: Chosen

Eric motioned for him to have a seat. “Do you regret choosing yourself and living over going back with them?”

“I couldn’t have gone back. There was no choice. I’ve never had a choice in my life. You heard what they said. Jayzon applied to work at a gas station, but I can tell you I applied any place I thought might take me. Businesses with bars on the windows wouldn’t even give me a second look. The only place I was ever hired was making fast-food. There is no way I could provide for myself, much less anyone else, on what I made microwaving burgers.” He ducked his head. “You don’t know what it’s like to be judged by how you dress, by what you say or how you say it, by who your family is. I’d bet you’ve never walked into a store and had them follow you around because they were sure you were going to steal something. They don’t even hide it.”

He couldn’t share in what Terrell had been through, but he could relate. It wasn’t the same, but when people attempted to relate to the pain of others, it was a way to build connections.

“Maybe I don’t deal with that like you do. I don’t meet with those situations every day. But I have had people cross the street to get away from me when I was in uniform. I’ve had people assume I was stupid because I chose to be in the military. They assumed I couldn’t get a career on my own, so fighting was all that was left for me. I’ve had people treat me like I was dirt because I come from the country, not the city.”

The memory of Ali came flowing back like it had happened yesterday.

You will never be successful enough to support me. You will never be what I need. You don’t make the cut.He felt the cold of the ring as she shoved it back into his hand. Even more than twenty years later, he couldn’t forget that feeling and the pity and discomfort on the faces of the men around him. Men who he’d trained with and admired.

“I get it. You have a tiny speck of understanding. Try living through that all the time and knowing that you don’t have what it takes to ever get out. There is no hope. Everyone on the outside thinks we could get out with a little motivation. If we tried a little harder, our lives would be better. That’s not how it works. Do you know how hard it is to get out of the system? Like food support. Mom has been on government food support for as long as I can remember. Every time she has a job that makes enough for her to get off, she gets a call and they pressure her to stay on. They tell her that things could turn bad any moment and she might need it again. They tell her it’s better if she keeps it, because then when something happens, she’ll have it available. When, Eric, not it. They manipulate and pressure us into staying where they want us. See, as long as they are giving you something, then they can call whenever they want.”

Eric nodded his understanding. After getting help from the government to fund what Wayside did, he’d found trusting any government body even harder. “Because the more they know, the more they can use.”

Terrell nodded. “And then they offer you more, like housing assistance, just in case you might need it. Well, as soon as you have that, things get a little easier for you and pretty soon you can’t imagine how you lived without it. Then you’re stuck. After that, there’s no way to make enough to ever feel comfortable letting go of the help. You’re trapped.”

“So, what you want from life is to get away from assistance, to be independent.”

Terrell nodded once. “Yes. But it’s impossible. I’d have to make four times what I made at the fast-food place, and that wouldn’t even make life better. That would pay for what Mom is already getting from the government. I lose, no matter what. What are my options?”

Eric sat in the other chair and laid Terrell’s worn duffel on the floor. “I don’t know. I’m not someone who can come up with ideas out of thin air.” But he wanted to help, at least that was a start.

There were options at Wayside, but he couldn’t just offer Terrell a job. Not when the boy had to leave in a few weeks. “What we do here might seem unimportant. We work with animals in a barn, that’s what you see. What you don’t see, because other than you, they aren’t here right now, are the people we help. I think if we just start the same way I would with any regular guest, you might find something you like and maybe we can find a way to make something happen for you.”

Terrell turned his back and paced to the opposite end of the room. “I’m not going into the military. No offense to you, old man, but that’s not my thing.”

Eric chuckled. “It wasn’t my thing either, though I’m glad I did it. It made me a better man.” It made him capable of doing things he hadn’t thought he could do before that and he’d been head over heels in love with Ali. Where Ali had wanted to go, he’d followed.

Terrell’s problem was so similar to Ali’s from the past. Money and success. Both of them wanted to do something with themselves but felt like life had dealt them a poor hand, so they chose what they had to in order to make life work. So, why did he give so much grace to Terrell when he couldn’t to Ali? Did the past blind him so completely that he couldn’t forgive her, but he could with Terrell because they didn’t have that past?

Ali was right. He wasn’t forgiving her, and he was acting as a poor Christian by refusing to move on. She’d hurt him. This was true. But if she asked for him to move on, didn’t he owe it to her to try? Or would God’s Word suggest he guard his heart from hurt again? He wasn’t sure, and neither seemed exactly right.

“It’s been a long day. Let me show you to your room, then you can come with me to the dining room for supper.”

Terrell groaned. “They’ll be there.”

“Yup, or they’ll be hungry. Connor wasn’t kidding about coming to eat where we eat. Would you rather they go hungry than to see them?”

Terrell hefted his bag over his shoulder and trudged after Eric. “I suppose I should say that I’ll get over seeing them so they don’t go hungry.”

Eric laughed. “I think you’re getting the hang of this grown-up thing already.”

“Don’t fool yourself, old man, I didn’t say I actually wanted that.”

He held the door for Terrell and waited until he set his bag down. The room was almost identical to the one he’d had over with the other boys, since all the cabins came furnished for guests, only this room was slightly larger since Eric only had two bedrooms in his cabin. At least Terrell wouldn’t have to learn where everything was in Eric’s cabin.

“Thanks for taking me in.” He moved his bag in front of the dresser and pulled out the top drawer. “I don’t know when those guys will come back, but I know they will.”

Eric felt the tension in the room rise like a thermostat set on the highest setting. “I know you’ve been outside more than the others, so you’ve seen the terrain here. If you can ride, you can get away faster than most cars. That will help you if you need it to.” And as long as Terrell could get to a horse, he could get away from anyone who broke into Wayside.

“That’s great and all, but a horse can’t outrun a bullet.” He bent down and unzipped the bag. “And I’d feel bad if they shot my horse.”

“Then, we’ll do our best to make sure no one gets through that gate again.” And just to prove it, he’d go talk to Teddy about security right after supper. Terrell made Eric think about things he’d never considered, like what it would have been like to have a child. If he and Ali had married as he’d hoped, they could easily have a child Terrell’s age. In fact, a child Terrell’s age could’ve been their youngest.

How had Ali been married for so many years, but didn’t have children? She’d said her husband had caroused around, but had she avoided him for over twenty years? A chill washed over his skin. Had she missed Eric as much as he’d missed her?

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