Page 45 of Operation: Return

“I got to work and Pete told me a few things, we were just talking. The only ones who knew Pete was with me were Teddy and Victoria. Oh, and Gabby. She stopped by for just a minute. I know she wouldn’t have said anything and I’m sure the deputy will talk to her.” Erica shrugged. “I know that’s not much help but that’s what I told Deputy Blake.”

Nothing. A dead end. There was always a catalyst. Something had happened to tip the scales and make them act, but what?

“My turn.” She glanced over her shoulder at him, taking him by surprise.

“Your turn?” He wasn’t sure what she meant.

“Now it’s my turn to ask a few questions.”

“You don’t think I had anything to do with Pete’s disappearance? I swear to you, I didn’t.” Sickening dread washed over him. He would never harm a child. He may not have liked them at all until he’d met Pete, but he still wouldn’t hurt one.

“No. I don’t. I’ve seen you with him and I trust you.”

He took a few steps closer to her so he could hear her soft voice clearer. “Then what?”

“What made you change? I know you said they killed you off on paper and you were angry about that. But why did you change who you were? I see you now and you’re so different from Taylor. I’m just trying to understand. Believing you would’ve been so much easier if you acted like the man I knew. The man who used to finish my sentences for me. The man who anticipated my needs before I even knew I had them. It was more than buying a soda. You were my best friend. My best friend wouldn’t have let me believe he was dead.” She turned away from him again and stared off out over the pastures.

He lowered himself to the dusty floor of the loft and stared out the opening over the green grass and rolling hills. Explaining would take a lot longer than they had. Anger had been a big part of it. Maybe hurt too. He’d vowed to give his life for his country, but his country hadn’t returned the favor.

Bitterness had changed him more than anything else. He realized he’d been sitting there thinking and he wasn’t sure how many minutes had passed. At least she wasn’t pressuring him to answer any quicker than he’d done for her.

“Point blank, I was angry. Anger starts in your stomach and turns you sour. The longer you’re sour, the more it rots your soul. I can’t explain how I could be bitter and angry down to the core of my soul, enough to change me, and still be a man of faith. But that’s who I am.”

Erica slowly shook her head. “Not really. When the love of Christ gets inside you, it washes away all of that. I’m not saying you don’t believe. Just that the belief needs more time to work on you. I was pretty angry for a long time, too. I was pregnant, hurting, grieving really, and angry too. I felt alone. I wanted to lash out at everyone.”

“But?” He could feel there was more. And even after people had tried for years to correct his bad behavior, this didn’t feel like a slap on the hand.

She frowned. “That was when the church ladies found me and took me in. They prevented me from sinking too deep into myself.”

He’d never thought about his anger being selfish, but that’s what ‘into myself’ made him think of. He’d thought all his pent-up anger was at others for ruining his life. He’d made those choices. He’d chosen to be defensive instead of seeking help. He’d ruined his own life by selfishness.

He could’ve looked at Teddy the same way Erica had looked at the church ladies, but he’d taken life for granted. He’d almost seen the work as his due after he’d done so much for everyone. He deserved a job.

That had been before he’d been saved though. There was no excuse for his continued snarly behavior after Jesus had gotten hold of him. Unless he’d kept Jesus on the other side of his wall, too.

“That gives me a lot to think about. I guess I have no excuses.”

* * *

Erica pressedagainst the hard wood of the solid barn, feeling the jagged, splintery wood against her back. Her mind was solidly on the house and waiting for any word from Edwyn, but she was also able to watch around the ranch and keep mental track of Cole where he paced behind her. Though the task of all three left her more exhausted by the moment.

She’d felt the moment he’d changed to ‘Cole’ the persona he’d tried to keep mostly from her while she’d been at the ranch, but she’d noticed it with others. She couldn’t fault Cole for changing. A lot of maturing happened between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five. But if any hint of the old Taylor had still been there, she would’ve believed him from the start.

If she’d been able to see him as Taylor from that first night, she would’ve told him about Pete. But his attitude had forced her into protection-mode. “I didn’t necessarily tell you to make you think, just stating that maybe there are things you haven’t dealt with yet if that anger is still there.”

She couldn’t deny the obvious now. Cole was Taylor, especially now that he’d admitted the change. If he’d tried to say he hadn’t, then she could claim she was right. Then again, she’d wanted to believe from the start that he was who he said he was, it was only her need to protect Pete that kept her from acting on her belief.

He had to be hurt and confused by what she’d said, but she didn’t have the emotional strength right now to argue with him about why she hadn’t just told him right away. Selfish or not, she couldn’t deal with the possible arguments over why Pete would always come first, always above her own needs.

If she’d doubted him before, his reaction to what she’d said about Pete’s father sealed the deal. He looked and acted betrayed. She couldn’t blame him. If he’d cheated on her then, she would’ve been completely gutted.

Erica bowed her head and made a promise to tell him everything once Pete was returned. She’d tell him why she’d kept the information from him to begin with and why she’d kept it from him now. He might not forgive her, but she had to trust her gut. Her own intuition had led her this far, it wouldn’t let her down now.

Edwyn strode out onto the porch and glanced around. She was sure he saw her, but he didn’t motion for her or walk in her direction. He jogged down the stairs and headed for a group of a few men too far away for her to tell who they were.

“I know you think I’ve done something wrong. Maybe I have.” But he had too. He’d returned from deployment and never even looked her up. He never bothered to see how she was doing. She couldn’t have mattered to him if he could simply walk away from his life as Taylor and everyone who knew him.

He might feel betrayed, but so did she.

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