Page 104 of I Just Want to be Yours

Jackson:

Do you still think of me?

I’m pushing my luck, but I have to know. Her response doesn’t come in right away this time. The three dots appear, then disappear, only to reappear and vanish again.

Jackson:

It’s just a question, Margot.

No dots appear for a moment, but then she sends another message.

Margot:

Honestly?

Jackson:

Yes.

There’s another pause before her next message, and every passing second has my heart beating harder.

Margot:

I’m trying to cut back.

I let out a small breath of laughter and look around, remembering I’m not alone. Luckily no one notices. They’re all fantasizing about this single taking off and making a music video for it. I think they’re getting ahead of themselves.

Staring down at the phone, all I can do is wonder how it will be when I see her in person. Will we pick up where we left off? Will she take back the choices she made and me along with them? There’s so much I want to say to her. So much I want to ask, but now isn’t the time. Not when I’m surroundedby the band and she’s in Indiana with her parents. My thumbs hover over the keypad, just out of reach of all they want to type. Eventually, I settle on just one word, but it somehow feels like enough.

Jackson:

Don’t.

58

margot

Life is startingto flow into a new routine. I’ve done all the post-breakup things, too. Rae and I have watched every romantic comedy movie we can think of, I cut my hair to a more medium length with layers, and even though I haven’t gotten a tattoo yet, I have a Pinterest board full of ideas. Jackson and I broke up six weeks ago, and every day gets a little bit easier. It might only be that I think about him a few seconds less or it takes me a shorter amount of time to stop crying, but still.

Easier.

Easier to breathe. Easier to think. Easier to rediscover a feeling that resembles happiness.

Outside of him.

Outside of us.

Outside of everything I thought dictated my happiness for a long time.

Sometimes the hardest things to do are the things you do for your own good. But it’s worth it. At least, it will be worth it. That’s what I keep telling myself. That eventually, it will beworth it. One day, I’ll be on the other side of this, and I’ll look back and know I made the smarter choice.

Hopefully.

I’m sitting with Rae in the living room while she makes final packing plans for her trip with Matt to his parents’ house. My phone lights up on the counter a few feet away, and I somehow know it’s Jackson before checking. He’s been sending me texts every few days, and each time the progress I’ve built crumbles. Rae looks up from her checklist. “Is it him again?”

I step over to my phone and lightly tap the screen without picking it up—like the more distance I can keep between myself and whatever lies on the other side, the better. Sure enough, Jackson’s name stares back at me in bold letters with a new message from him on the lock screen.

I nod as I slowly reach for the phone, my eyes already burning. It doesn’t matter what the text says, I cry every time.

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