Page 14 of Endgame

‘Struggle and hardship is in our DNA. It runs through our blood; but so do perseverance, drive and victory. You don’t need me to remind you that you’re here because the enslaved that make up our bloodline survived capture, crossing the Atlantic, and enduring the dehumanising slave markets and treatment that animals must never be subjected to. We made it because of them. Even when we managed to buy our freedom, it wasn’t over because we had to help those who couldn’t achieve freedom in other ways. And it still isn’t over. I was twenty when that King boy had a dream, and we’re still getting choked and shot in the streets. We were victims of their hate, then we were victims of their violence – and now we’re victims of their guilt.’

I hear the anger rising in her and feel it as she completes the twist of the section she is working on in half the time the other took. Whenever my gigi talks about our ancestors, it always invokes a deep need and responsibility within me to be better, work harder and push further to make my existence worthy and meaningful. She makes me feel like I’m not here just for me, I’m here for them too. I love the part of me that comes from Gigi, but, whenever we have talks like this, it’s hard not to remember that the blood of the perpetrators flows through me too. Thechallenges Mommy and Daddy faced by choosing each other is no secret in our family.

‘Gigi?’ I call quietly.

‘Yes, baby?’

‘Is that why you’re angry with Daddy?’

I love my gigi but her coolness towards Daddy has always been an obstruction that we all have to navigate around. I’ve wanted to talk to her about it for years but have only now found the courage. She is silent for a few seconds, then she sighs.

‘I’m not angry with your daddy. I’m still angry with Dee Dee though,’ she admits quietly, using my mother’s childhood name.

‘Why? I know they didn’t tell you when they got married…’

‘No, Ariella. That’s not why I’m angry. Your mother knew better than to abandon her family to follow some man across the ocean to a country she had never been before. It was the worst thing she could have done to us.’

‘She said she felt she had no choice.’

‘She was engaged to a very nice boy. We had a date picked out already. Then out of nowhere she brings your daddy home and your grandpa Spence didn’t take it very well.’

‘What happened?’

‘Grandpa Spence pointed a shotgun at his temple. He explained that he had a twitchy finger, acres of land that could use some fertiliser, no neighbours to intervene and the stain of war. He gave him five minutes to get off our property and told him he never wanted to see him again. Dee Dee was pretty upset, but we didn’t expect her to go to college after her break was over and never come back home.’

‘She didn’t tell you she was leaving?’

‘No. Dee Dee was naughty right from when she was born. Cried like she didn’t want to be here. From the minute she could speak, she was always running that little mouth of hers and getting into trouble for talking in church. Questions.Always questions. She would regularly disappear, get into the communion wafers and stuff her little cheeks so full she couldn’t even chew on them. She wasn’t even cute-naughty, she was naughty-naughty, so I knew she was going to be trouble.’ Despite the words, affectionate laughter escapes from my gigi, then she continues. ‘I was just hoping it was trouble she would use to help others – but what she did was heart-wrenching. For a very long time, we didn’t know how to deal with the pain that our daughter was gone.’

I want to bring Gigi back from the memory, so I try to focus on the positive.

‘What brought you back together?’

‘Your daddy wrote, and wrote and wrote. We got a letter about once a week, with news, where they were living, what they were doing. We never wrote back once, but the letters kept coming. Finally, when she became pregnant, he started to phone. The first call was difficult. He admitted what they did was wrong and asked that, even though we may hate him and he may never be forgiven, we find some space to love our grandchild. After that, he phoned us every day, we would have little talks with both of them. It ended with your daddy begging us to come. So when Zachary was born, we did.’

‘Oh, Gigi.’

‘I know it’s been decades and I really should get over it, especially as it has brought you to me, but it’s hard to unsee and unfeel.’

I hear Gigi exhale deeply to let her feelings go before she changes her mood.

‘I’m excited to get on the plane for Zachary’s wedding. I was so pleased to hear that he is marrying a nice West African girl. Are you still messing with white boys?’

‘Gigi…’

‘What’s his name?’ I feel her roll her eyes behind me.

‘Caleb.’

‘How is this one different from the other one?’

I catch myself smiling and a little giggle escapes.

‘Jesus, take the wheel,’ I hear her murmur.

‘Anyway, MrRamon isn’t black.’

My gigi flicks the comb on to my shoulder.

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