Page 142 of Never Forever

“I want you to come first,” I said, keeping him inside me as best I could.

“That’s not how this works, Carrie,” he said and he rolled over on top of me. The bed squeezing and shifting. He took my hands in his and held them against the sheets over my head.

Oh. Fuck. I liked it when he held me down. He knew it too.

I moaned and he kissed my nipples. Bit one until I cried out. Fuck it. Fuck him. If he wanted me to come first, who was I to argue?

“Yeah,” he said, Sucking my other nipple. Using his teeth, making it hurt. “Just like that. You’re going to come like this.”

I was. I couldn’t stop it. Matt stripped all my control. I wanted to cling to something that was still me. Still mine. But he took it all away. I shattered under his touch, under his body. And I knew that if he decided to hurt me again, to break my heart, I was powerless to stop it.

It felt too good to stop.

The storm was over.It was the first thought I had the next morning. I pushed myself out of our air mattress blanket concoction, threw on Matt’s hoodie and walked over to the front of the house where the one broken window was boarded up, but through the other I could see the rain had stopped, even if the sky was still gray.

In some ways it felt prophetic.

I turned and saw Matt sitting up, his broad chest naked but for the red marks I’d left with my teeth and nails. He looked ravaged. I could only imagine how I looked.

I supposed it was fitting for two people who hadn’t had sex in years.

God, neither one of us had been with anyone! I understood it from my perspective, but I didn’t understand it from his. If he loved me, than why did he break me?

Break us.

More importantly, would he do it again? Because it wasn’t just my heart I had to worry about anymore. There was the baby.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, coming up behind me. He’d put on his sweat pants and suddenly we were this matching set.

I turned to face him. “Why do you think something is wrong?”

“You look tense to me,” he said. “Nobody who has been banged so thoroughly by me could possibly look tense unless something was wrong.”

I nodded, finding a safe escape. “Maybe we should put this in perspective. Maybe this was just two people working each other out of their systems.”

He frowned, his face suddenly angry. “Or maybe we finally figured our shit out.”

I threw my arms up, bothered that I could still smell him surrounding me with his hoodie.

“How does that even work, Matt? None of this makes sense to me. One minute, we’re fighting and the next minute we’re fucking, but what does any of it mean?”

“It means we’re supposed to be together. Can’t you see that?”

“Our parents left us. Your mom. My dad,” I said. “And it was awful.”

“Yeah. What are you getting at?”

“I don’t want that to happen to this baby.”

“You think I’m going to leave?”

“You told me once you would never leave.”

“Carrie,” he reached for me, but I stepped back, wrapping my hands around my waist. Protecting myself and the baby in my belly.

“Then you pushed me away and none of it made sense.”

He was stoic. Silent. His hair on end. His face so handsome, it hurt.

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