Page 98 of Swim To Me

I suck in a mouthful of air, attempting to hold back the bile rising in my throat.

“Can you at least tell me if she’s okay?”

A cock of her head, Aurelia grips the door that much tighter, until her flesh turns mottled white. “What do you think, Grey? She’s probably about as okay as you look.”

My eyes close at Aurelia’s harsh, but truthful, words. She’s not doing okay. My girl isn’t doing okay, and it’s all my fault.

“Can you tell her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out this way, I never meant to hurt her, I—” A shuffling noise in the background of Delilah’s apartment has me opening my eyes, my breath stuttering out of me when I catch a glimpse of her.

Delilah is there for a moment, and then gone again.

“Delilah,” I try again. “I really am sorry. I never meant–I never meant to hurt you, or make you cry. It’s killing me inside, it’s fucking breaking my heart, knowing I did that to you, knowing I kept that stupid secret instead of just telling you the truth. I miss you. Everything about you; your laugh, your smile, your infectious drive for life. I-I don’t want to say it to you for the first time through a door… I wanted to make it special… wanted to tell you how I feel about you properly, but now I’m scared I won’t get the chance. So… I’m falling for you, Delilah. Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve already fallen, but I don’t want to say those words until I can see your gorgeous face… I’d just like the chanceto talk. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here. I’ve bought you some flowers, lilies, and the book you lent me. I’ll-I’ll leave them with your sister, and go, I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”

Handing the flowers and the book to Aurelia, I walk away, hoping for a call of my name that never comes.

Delilah lets me go.

That thought stays with me the entirety of my journey home, imbedding itself in my mind, into my heart, even as I make it to the pool hidden beneath my apartment building, strip down and dive into the cool water.

When my lungs are screaming for fresh oxygen, I bob to the surface, stretching out my arms and legs until I’m floating, held by the surface of the water, and wonder, with stinging eyes, what on earth my life is going to look like now if Delilah decides she doesn’t want to be in it.

Chapter 25

Delilah

The edges of the romance book Grey returned dig into my soft palms while I stare at the front cover.

Behind me I can hear the spin cycle of my washing machine, soap suds washing away the remains of Grey on my bedsheets.

I run my nail along the pages mindlessly, peering out at my apartment from the comfort of my sofa. I’ve not been in this space for almost three weeks – the sheer thought of it too painful to handle. Choosing instead, to stay by my sister’s side. For whatever reason, I’d felt able to bite the bullet this morning, never dreaming Grey would stop by.

Aurelia has placed the bunch of lilies he bought in a vase full of water on my coffee table, in plain sight. The colour of them doesn’t pass me by; pink for admiration and love.

The feeling sits heavy in my chest, taking my breath away. Or perhaps that’s the sheer terror. I’d loved before and it had broken my heart, so what could be so different this time around?

“You know why,”whispers my heart.

With my previous heartbreaks, I’d been left alone to deal with the aftermath. The man who I’d once called Dad so lovingly, had upped and left without another word, turning his back onhis entire family, and making it look oh so easy. If he cared, of felt remorseful that he had broken apart his family, my world, so much so it would never look the same again, he never showed it.

Daniel was very much the same. He’d allowed the press, even his own team mates to treat me poorly, never once standing up or defending me. Once or twice he’d even agreed with their opinions, making me feel so small and as if I was imaging it all, blowing it out of proportion. When I made the decision to end our relationship, he didn’t fight me on it. With a slow nod of his head and a flat line to his lips, he agreed it was for the best and said he would get out of my hair so I could pack up and leave.

But Grey…

He’s here fighting for the two of us and that’s the difference.

I’ve never been fought for, never knew I was good enough to be wanted that much, loved that much.

My poorly taped together heart still croons with its aching pain, but something sparks alive within me.

I’ve fought and fought and fought for other people, sometimes to the detriment of myself, my own well-being, and here is a man, a man I love, fighting for me, for us.

So, do I want to meet him halfway?

My nail catches on something tucked away behind the front cover of the novel I’m holding, the paper texture different to the one glued to the spine. I peer down, finding a sheet of paper folded into squares,Delilahscrawled across the front and signed with a kiss.

Gorgeous,

There’s no other way I can start this letter than by saying I’m sorry.

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