Page 99 of Swim To Me

I’m sorry for not telling you about my past career sooner. I never meant to keep it a secret, that was never my intention, but after you told me about your dad and about your ex I selfishly wanted to keep you for myself a little while longer. I was scared once you found out you’d walk away from us and not because you wanted too, but because fear makes people do crazy things.

I kept you for myself, instead of telling you the truth and allowing you the choice to choose us. It was unfair of me, and I simply shouldn’t have done it.

When you’re ready to talk I’ll be here, even if it’s to end our time together. I fucking hope not, I’m not ready to give up hope that they’re even is an us. But if that’s your decision, I’ll respect it the way I should have the first time around, because your happiness should come first.

I hope you can forgive me… I hope I’ve not blown my chance to be yours. For you to be mine.

I miss you.

Grey x

Iswipe at the tears collecting under my eyes, letting out a breath I’d been holding the entire time I’d been reading Grey’s words. I feel lighter as soon as I do, wiping a clammy hand on my leggings.

Leaving the letter unfolded, his handwriting still staring back at me, I lay it down beside my bundle of pink lilies, my fingertips reaching up to toy with my studded earring.

It’s obvious I’ve got a decision to make, one I’ve been putting off thinking about for the past couple of weeks. But I can’t put it off any longer.

In the past couple of years, I’ve always gone with my head instead of my heart, even when they’re screaming two completely different things, just like this time around. I want to break that pattern, I do, but I’m scared.

I’m scared of getting it wrong.

Of failing.

But will staying in the same position I’ve always been – a workaholic, too nervous to open herself up for love in case it breaks my heart – make me feel less of a failure?

Is that everything I want from life, or do I want more, do I crave more?

My answer to that question isn’t tough. I do want more. I want to be brave enough to make the chance for myself, to take the risk, to do it for myself.

Grey’s waiting for me, or at least I think he is as long as he’s telling the truth in his letter. The leap is staring me right in the face, terrifying and bottomless, but there’s something in me itchy, scratching to…

I reach for my mobile phone, which is down by the sofa cushions, typing in my code and pulling up Grey’s contact. It rings twice, three times and then, “Delilah?”

I lick my lips nervously, tracing the curves of my name stained in ink while I speak. “I read your letter. I’m free Wednesday if you’d like to talk?”

“I’d love to. I’m teaching swim classes until your slot at six, but—”

“I could meet you in the café? I’m not ready to get back in the water this week, not just yet, so…”

In the background, I hear a sharp whistle blow, followed by the rattle of tracks.

“Sorry, I’m just getting the train home. It’s a Sunday, and—”

“It’s the weekly Millen dinner, I remember.”

“Yeah,” Grey agrees with an audible small smile. “I haven’t been in a few weeks because…” He stops mid-sentence, the flow disrupted, before carrying on as if our break isn’t hanging in the air. “Hudson is practically dragging me there, but it’ll be good to see everyone. I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday.”

I hum noncommittedly, twisting the back of my earring until it pops off. “It’ll be nice to talk.”

As soon as I’ve uttered my goodbyes to Grey, I video phone Aurelia, nibbling at the inside of my cheek while the dial tone sounds.

“You okay?” she asks straight away. “Do you need me to come back? We can—”

“Grey left me a letter.”

“A letter?”

“Yes.” I bring the paper up in view of the dot like camera. “It was tucked in the book I loaned him.”

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