Page 2 of Swim To Me

I gather the thick brunette strands all together, brushing out the bumps and whipping it into a practised high bun. Baby hairs still stick up from around my hairline, and I wish I’d thought ahead to bring a packet of bobby pins with me, especially now I can feel a single curl escaping down the ticklish nape of my neck, but oh well.

It’ll have to do for today.

Soles of my bare feet gliding back along the cool foam surface of my flip flops, I repack my bag, folding each item of clothing carefully and then with another deep breath, I twist to unlock the cubicle door.

Part two of my plan – done. Completed. Tick.

My saliva dries in my mouth as I step out into the communal area, extremely aware of only being covered by my bathing suit.

I cross the space, grab an open locker and shove my hand into the tiny front compartment of my gym bag for the golden coin-sized token I’d been given at the reception desk.

Of course it sticks to the nervous sweat coating my palm, not at all helped by myall fingers and thumbsapproach as I try to slot the token into the teeny weenie slit, shove everything but my fluffy towel inside, close the locker doorandtwist the key just enough to the right.

Once I’ve finally gotten it closed correctly, I pluck the key from its lock, fingers skimming the flat edge of the rubber bracelet attached. I glance quickly over my shoulder at another woman – who, with the way water droplets are pouring down her forearms, must have just come straight from the pool – to see what the hell I’m supposed to do with this contraption.

With ease, the other woman unclips the bracelet from around her wrist, slides the key in the lock and twists to reveal her items.

Huh. Looks simple enough.

Bracelet on, I sweep my tongue alongside either of my cheeks in an attempt to get rid of the horribly dry texture, but it does no good. My fingers dig into the plush material of my towel, the one I’m holding to my chest like a barrier, as I attempt to focus on my breathing.

You’re here now. You can do this. Youwantto do this;I repeat to myself like a mantra in my head.

“But do youreally?”chirps the chip on my shoulder. Again. “All this anxiety, all this fear, just to prove one silly comment wrong—”

But it wasn’t just one silly comment, not to me anyway. I’m angry at myself enough as it is for letting it burrow under my skin and create a home in one of the many cracks of my heart.

See, the thing is I like… control. I like tobein control.

Control is comfortable, it’s safe, it’s familiar, and it’s got me pretty fucking far in life; a stable job at a publishing house, a nice apartment in Bayswater, London, the ability to treat myself to an overpriced coffee every morning on my daily commute.

I owe most of my success to the fact that I’m determined; sticking at a task or a hobby until I’ve mastered it.

Except for this one.

See, the thing is… I can’t swim.

Something my date last weekend, took great pride in taunting me with over dinner, when he learnt about my secret. It’s safe to say there won’t be a second date betweenDanand me. Mostly, because he was a dick who wouldn’t shut up about my flaw. At first keeping it as a single throwaway comment, but then becoming more confident and derogatory towards me with each swig of his beer.

I hate to admit that it got to me.

I pride myself on being good at everything, at being able to apply my skills in every field,atbeingin fucking control.

Except I wasn’t in control in that situation.

I couldn’t control his comments, and no matter how much I’ve tried to tell myself it doesn’t matter what he thinks of me, I can’t seem to shake how silly I feel.

So here I am, standing in the changing rooms of a swimming pool, about to dip my toe into water even though I can’t swim, just to prove something to myself.

Prove that I can swim.

Or at least try.

I mean, I know the basics of being in the water… our mum took both of us to swimming lessons back when my baby sister, Aurelia, and I were young, but I gave up on it pretty early after finding the logistics too difficult.

Forcing my feet to move again, I peer upwards at the giant arrow declaringLARGE POOL AHEAD.

I just need to put one foot in front of the other.

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