Page 67 of David's Proposal

What am I saying?

Would having success with my book allow me to think seriously about my life?

Would it allow me to no longer wing it and feel stuck in a swamp of indecisiveness.

Has the money been the problem all along?

Is that what it is?

Is that the hurdle?

And did I need this mental exercise to reach a rather simple conclusion?

It’s not that Thea’s life is intimidating or making me feel inadequate.

Things are simpler than that.

I’d love a simple, satisfying life with a man equally invested in living that kind of soft, nurturing, peaceful existence.

Frankly, I don’t want to be Rain or Thea. Not even Chloe.

If Chloe were a car, she’d come with a six-speed manual transmission and go from zero to one hundred in two seconds.

I am not wired like that, hence my struggle. Things have gotten so confusing these past few months.

So much chasing shiny objects.

So many options popped up, although none of them were real answers to my existential doom and gloom.

And now, this trivial exercise gives me a better insight into my life than anything else.

But there’s a problem.

Money.

Money is still a problem.

I don’t have a finished book.

And there are no guarantees a finished book would be as successful as hers was.

I take a deep breath of air.

Maybe living in a beach town has never been my dream.

It was Rain’s, and she exchanged it for a life in Colorado as the uncrowned queen of this town.

I bet she doesn’t regret it for a second. She has a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. She seems so grateful for what she’s gotten, and I’ve never seen her upset, not once since I met her.

My dream was more modest, but even so, something was missing. How amazing my life would be if a slight change happened.

I shift in the middle of the sidewalk and look at my place.

Sunk in darkness, it has no say in this.

I go farther with my imagination, much farther, and come up with a makeover of this place.

I imagine it being mine, adorned with lights, the front lawn littered with Halloween decorations. Goblins, pumpkins, giant spiders, skeletons, and ghosts.

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