Page 43 of Yours, Truly

I reached out and took his hand in mine, I snuggled myself up to him on the sofa after we had eaten. I fiddled nervously with the strings of my hoodie in my fingers. I listened to Nate’s breathing which had calmed, he wrapped his arms around me tightly and I wanted to cry again but I pushed through the emotion.

“Gi, can I ask you something?” Nate finally spoke up. I looked up to him, not moving from his chest. He looked deep inthought, troubled. “If I wasn’t representing him, would you have told me?” I pushed myself up to face him.Would I have told him?‘I don’t know’ is the honest answer, maybe? Eventually?

“It’s not that easy,” I answered, pulling the sleeves over my hands.

“So, is that… a no?” Nate asked, taking me by surprise.

“It's an ‘I don’t know’ Nate. I haven’t told anyone, not even my parents. I never thought it would come up again.” I tried to be as honest as I could. He swallowed and looked away now, clearly pissed.

“What about if we get married, have a family, you wouldn’t tell your husband something like this? Even if you promised no lies or secrets?” he asked.

“What? Where is this coming from?” I asked, confused and trying to solve the riddle Nate was laying out in front of me.

“I just wish you could trust me enough to tell me. Can you?”

I could now feelhisanxiety entering the room, like he was planning every scenario in his mind, just like I do when I spiral. He stared at me, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer this. Could I trust him? Of course, I could with my life. But given the situation, that he had to represent this client and win the case for a shot at a promotion? No.

But I also knew that he loved me enough not to hurt me, so maybe I could have trusted him. He told his boss about our relationship at the risk of losing the job. Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it, would I have told him? Maybe, if it had come up. But more than likely I wouldn’t have.

It wasn’t personal. it was more that I’d tried to bury it and in a sick way, forget it. I couldn’t give him an answer.

“I don’t have the answer Nate. I’m sorry,” I shrugged softly, removing my eyes from him. I felt the cushion beside me reinflate as he got up from his seat.

“Okay. That tells me everything I need to know,” he announced, my eyes darting to him grabbing his coat from the coat hook by the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked him.

“Home,” he stated.

“Nate!” I called after him. He hesitated reaching for the door handle, he sighed.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He twisted the door handle and left my apartment, leaving me speechless and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

Was he mad at me? Was he punishing himself for not knowing?I couldn’t help but throw questions around. My eyes tearing up as I stared at the door where he disappeared.Another round of uncontrollable crying!

I couldn’t sleep after Nate left; my crying turned into hibernation. I climbed into my bed and pulled the duvet around me and I stared out at the room, cried some more, stared, overthought and it repeated over and over again.

Nate did text me a goodnight message like he always did;even if we argued, that was one thing he promised. That was hours ago, the minutes took forever to pass. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, not after the trial or seeing Mr Cato and now Nate.

I grabbed myself a second shower, a full body scrub down exactly like earlier, washing away everything that I could so much that my skin was now a little red, either from the boiling water or the exfoliating mitt. I changed into another fresh set of clothes and grabbed my car keys. If I couldn’t sleep, I’d drive around the city, see it at night. London was still alive in some places at night and maybe a drive through would make me feel alive too. I would drive until I was tired or when the sun started to rise, whichever came first.

Eventually I ended up at Nate’s. I looked up at the building and parked across the road in the visitor’s spaces where he had registered my number plate with his building so I didn’t get any fines. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or feeling. I know Nate said he would call tomorrow and I didn’t know why my body had brought me here. Maybe after the way Nate left I needed answers or I just didn’t want to fight, I wanted comfort. I made my way up to the familiar penthouse, I fiddled until I found his key on my keys and placed it gently in the lock.

A low light greeted me from the living room. His figure outlined as he sat in the armchair overlooking the night sky with a glass of whiskey in his hand. I closed the door quietly behind me and tiptoed over to him. He had fallen asleep. Careful not to wakehim, I gently removed the whiskey from his hand. I failed as my movement made him stir a little.

“Gi?” he asked in a husky, sleepy voice.

“I couldn't sleep,” I whispered softly. “I didn't know where to go.” My voice broke a little as emotions started to rise. His eyes opened wide, as if he was shocked, confirming to himself that I was here in person. He reached for my hand, glancing up at me as he guided me to sit on his lap. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and held me so tight, afraid that if he loosened this grip I would disappear. I moulded my body to him, snuggling into the crook of his neck, to inhale that soothing cologne of his, a brush of whiskey on his breath.

He felt safe. He felt like home.

I pulled back to look at him, allowing the soft city lights to illuminate him, his features. My hand caressed his cheeks, I watched as he gently grabbed my wrist, kissing the palm of my hand and sinking into my touch.

“I’m yours, truly, Gi,” he whispered, closing his eyes and focussing on my touch.

“I know,” I leaned myself into him, planting a slow kiss, lingering for a while, just wanting to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to be connected with him as long as I could. I wanted to breathe him in as if he was my own personal oxygen supply.

I moved back to look at him but he closed the gap, pulling me back for another dose, like I was giving him the oxygen to breathe too. Passion disbursed between us as the kiss deepened.

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