Page 34 of Yours, Truly

“I will keep your secret, but if they find out, I will protect myself. You will not discuss anything case related with Mr Dalton. Your relationship is your business, but make sure it doesn’t come to light before the trial. We can’t afford to go through all this again.”

“Thank you, Angelina, I promise that won’t happen. But now there is a new problem.” My attention shifted to the folder resting on her desk, she followed my gaze, sighing. She retrieved it and glanced over, eyes wide with the shit that was in front of her.

“That bastard!” She growled when she read over the name, the same reaction I’d had. “What does Mr Dalton know about this?”

“Just this. He doesn’t know about the… the sexual harassment. I haven’t told anyone about that.”

“Good, we can use this. Mr Cato doesn’t know this was filed with HR, they have our statements on the event. It’s stored on company records, so I will contact HR and the legal team tomorrow. Gi, I mean it, that youcannot,under any circumstances, disclose this. We will lose the company, our jobs and, if this is a personal vendetta, your career will be gone in a heartbeat. I don’t want Mr Dalton bringing anything related to the case to you again. I need you to step back from this.Everything needs to come to me and any meetings we need to have with him will be with me.”

I agreed with the terms, it was the least I could do with Angelina protecting my secret. I wasn’t happy about us using the harassment as an advantage to win the case, it made me feel sick that the most personal, sensitive moment of my life would be exposed. In all honesty, I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. Angelina pulled me from my thoughts

“I will leave you to tell him that, as I don’t want this to become any more of a conflict. I trust you, so don't make me regret it. Go home for the day. I'll pop you onto offsite meetings for this afternoon and tomorrow. You can return in a couple days.”

I needed this, to go home and be by myself for a couple of days. I needed to deal with the can of worms that had opened up. I needed to throw up, shower multiple times to get the memories scrubbed off of me. I needed to pull myself together and lock all this shit back in its box. I grabbed my stuff and left the office for the day jumping on the tube home. The first shower, I cried, I scrubbed my body until it was red raw and the water burned my skin and I repeated until I felt clean.

The incessant buzzing of my phone continued as messages from Nate kept coming in. I ignored them, I couldn’t deal with him, not right now anyway.

The silence in my apartment was unbearable while my mind and my phone continued to simultaneously torment me. Maybe being home wasn’t the best idea. I climbed into my car and drove to my parents, where I would spend a couple of days off the grid and to reset. It was the one place I felt safe.

25

MAKING IT UP TO YOU

I tried to keep myself as busy as possible, to try to avoid the turmoil in my life. I’d had multiple meetings with the company lawyers in the last few days about the new case that had been brought forward, and I was now under an internal investigation over the claims Mr Cato had made. Angelina sat in on all of those, it was nice to know she supported and believed me and so did the company. These were the cards we had been dealt and we needed to follow procedure.

I had made every excuse not to see Ivy as I didn’t know how to explain the whole situation. Plus, I didn’t know if Nate mentioned work to her. Since they made up they had promised to meet each other every week for coffee or dinner.

A few weeks ago, at the end of February, Nate returned home from meeting up with Ivy to make amends and move forward after the drama at Christmas. He’d thanked me for the encouragement to reach out to her. He said it was nice that they had spoken about what had happened. Nate had been a bit of amess over Christmas because of Mark but he didn’t want his relationship with his Dad to get in the way of spending time with his Mum and sister.

Ivy had called me the following day after she had met Nate, after he left for work, to talk it all out. She expressed that Nate was okay, the drinking had started but that was all. He just wanted to numb the pain from his dad’s words but he was safe and she could stop worrying. She told me he wanted to meet up regularly and her excitement made my heart melt. Nate had promised that nothing would pull them apart and that he would try harder to be in her life.

During our call that day, She expressed her concern about the wedding, that them being in the same room was inevitable, and that she needed to come up with a plan so the two men she loved could put their differences aside and celebrate her day with her, with no tension. I reassured her that we would solve it, that we still had months to go and who knows maybe the space between Nate and Mark will do them some good. But her spirits were raised.

I just wish I could have told her Nate was safe before this, it would have saved her the worry but I guess it all worked out in the end. They both seemed in a better place.

I missed Ivy more than anything and I wanted to see her, to cry, to spill everything and admit to the one person I relied on most that I was mentally struggling with the Cato situation more than I wanted to admit. I trusted Ivy with my life but I also had to protect myself and my job right now. Not being able to discussthe events of the sexual harassment with anyone made everything more difficult. Now that it had come to light after it had taken me a couple of years to come to terms with, I was struggling. I confided in Angelina, as she was the only one who knew but it wasn’t the same, I couldn’t tell her how I was really feeling it, it was the surface level of how I was doing. I wished at that moment that I had come clean to Ivy years ago when it happened, or spoken to my Mum at the time. But now the case was resting on this onepiece of surprise evidence. I couldn’t tell a soul and that messed with me mentally.

After I left the office today, Nate had tried to call and text me when I hadn’t returned to his place that evening, after he’d given me the Cato file. He had called round my place to check on me and got worried when there was no answer. I sent him a text saying I was going to stay with my parents for a few days and thankfully, he gave me some space, telling me to reach out to him when I was ready. Over a week had passed and I hadn’t yet. I was scared that if I did, the anger would surface again and I’d say something I would regret. Or I would fuck everything and confess the one thing I couldn’t tell him no matter how much I wanted to. But the excuses were wearing thin and I could sense that Nate knew this.

It was Friday evening and I had gone straight home from work. Ivy had surprised me with a phone call, as I had cancelled our monthly get together but a call would suffice. I welcomed the distraction as we had a laugh. Discussing her wedding plans, asked how I was doing and all I could tell her was I wasfine, things were good, completely far from the truth. I was fine when I was busy working or having phone calls with Ivy, but when I was alone the feelings consumed me, I cried, and sometimes the thoughts surfaced so much that the food in my stomach forced its way out. I wanted this to be over. There was a small knock on my door which startled me, I wasn’t expecting anyone. In a way I was thankful as I was done talking to Ivy and now, I had an excuse to end the call. I was greeted by a huge bouquet of red roses covering my suitor.

“I know you said you needed space but I needed to make sure you were still alive” he playfully teased as he removed the flowers from his face so I could see his concerned expression. I folded my arms across my chest, keeping myself shielded, something I did when I was mad and needed to protect myself. He held out the flowers and I sighed, reaching out to take them. They were beautiful and looked expensive. That was Nate; expensive apology gifts. Something I would never get used to and, in a way, I didn’t want to. No amount of money would make up for the shitty situations we seemed to fall into. He can’t buy me. I walked to the kitchen to find a vase leaving the door open as an invitation for him to come in. I couldn’t put this off any longer, not if he would start showing up at my door daily.

“Oh, I’m alive… you don’t need to worry about that.” I shot him daggers, as I placed the arrangement in a large bowl vase as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

“You're avoiding me,” he stated, a tinge of guilt pulled at my heart.

“Something like that,” I whispered, as I fiddled with theflowers, not wanting to meet his eyes.

“You still taking that client?” I asked, not sure what else to say. I needed to know what decision he was going to make. He didn’t answer until I met his eyes and he ran his hands over his face, frustrated that this was going to be the topic of the evening.

“You really need the answer?” he asked, and I nodded. “Yes, I am. But I don’t want to, as I know it’s going to hurt you.”

“Aww I’m sure your fancy new title and pay rise will keep you company.” My sarcasm bled, the hurt in my voice coming through which made Nate sigh. He seemed conflicted and maybe it was childish to be mad at him for just doing his job but I couldn’t help it. I needed to protect my own career and my future. Not only would this cause this job to be lost but any hopes and dreams I had of starting my own business would be non-existent. If I was blacklisted, I wouldn’t be able to get any company off the ground.

I was on edge a lot since the personal attack. I was mad at the world, mad at the trial and mad that I couldn’t push back down the events that his clients forced on me, the continuous dirty feeling imprinted on my skin, in my mind.

I was afraid, not just for me, but that Nate was going to find out, at the trial, the true nature of my involvement with Mr Cato. I convinced myself I was trying to protect him from it but, in reality, I was trying to protect myself. I didn’t want him to look at me with pity, with disgust, when he finds out I’ve beenvictimised. But his stubborn self didn’t allow me to protect him from the truth, my truth.

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