Page 21 of Yours, Truly

I was already hurt from Brie’s words that I didn’t need Nate to add to the pain even more. But it felt like I was being kicked when I was already down. Nate confused the hell out of me, one minute he was acting like we were in a relationship and in a split second he backs away and rips my heart out my chest, breaking whatever hope I had.

“Any guy except you, right?” I clarified, my eyes glazing over.

“Gi, please.” Guilt crept across his face. He sighed, pushing a strand of hair from my face, tucking it back as he always did, twirling it in his fingers and watching it slide through. His affection, his tenderness showing through.

This was something I had noticed, this was his way of his feelings surfacing, his little telltale trait. Noticing, I pulled away from his grip.No.I wasn’t going to let him do this, play with my heart, not during the conversation he was having with me. Him letting me down gently, taking away my hope of him, of us. He reacted to my actions, drawing his hand back. “You know I don't do relationships.”

“Yep. You've made that very clear.”

His body tensed at my cold distant tone. I shuffled back, placing some much-needed space between us. “I guess you dodged a bullet with that no relationship clause.”

“Gi, if I did…” he sighed, trying to reach out for me. This wasn’t fair, I wanted him to leave, I didn’t want to hear the next bit. All I wanted to do was cry.

“Please. Don't say it Nate.” I whispered, looking away and wiping a tear that had slipped free. “I don't want to hear false maybes. I think we need to pause whatever this is beforeIget hurt.” I said the words as they broke my heart.

“Gi,” he sighed, defeated. I climbed off the sofa, needing to be out of his reach. I didn’t want him to touch me, or to try and comfort me while maintaining this bullshit that he cared.

I needed to be in control of myself. I paced the living room, my arms folded across my body protectively, fighting the battle in my brain, fighting the tears that were slowly running down my face.

“Please I need some space,” I whispered softly. I needed to figure out if I could even do this anymore. My feelings for him were stronger than I ever anticipated they could be. I was in love with Nate and I couldn’t lie, I couldn’t deny it anymore. Nate’s eyes glazed; I had never seen him so vulnerable. He cleared his throat as he stalked towards me, planting a delicate kiss on my forehead.

I watched him leave before the flood gates opened and tears fell uncontrollably. That was my state for the next twenty-four hours as I tried to figure out what I wanted. I had to work up the strength to go to Ivy's Christmas dinner party where I would be seeing Nate again. I needed to make a decision. I needed to figure out just how much of this situationship was something I wanted or if it had run its course.

17

CHRISTMAS AT IVY’S

Christmas day had arrived, both excitement and anxiety equally matched. I loved Ivy, Jude and her parents so much that I couldn’t wait, they were a second family to me. Today I needed to put on the best performance of my life, to pretend everything was okay. I made my way to Ivy’s in the morning to help her in the kitchen.

I was also super excited to see the new house, it was finally finished. They had been slowly moving in the last couple of weeks but officially moved in together yesterday when Jude came home. It was a cosy modern cottage. Okay, bigger than a cottage, but the exterior looked like a cottage with its stoney walls, featuring a massive garden and summer house behind, that would be so beautiful to raise a family. Wooden beams along the ceilings gave the whole place a rustic feel. In the kitchen, a big floor length window overlooked the grounds, a lot of space for children to run around. Green stretched as far as the eye could see before it met a tall hedge that shielded it from passersby.

It was perfect; everything that fit Ivy and her personality in a house. Open, warm, cosy and bright. It was on the edge of the city but still accessible by train, which they agreed they would take to work as it was quicker than driving.

Interrupting Ivy and I deep in our wedding discussions, Nate wandered into the kitchen, his eyes landing on me as I chopped the vegetables under Ivy’s instructions. A warm friendly smile crossed his face before he shifted his attention to Ivy.

“Need help?” He offered, stalking over to me to steal a piece of carrot, popping it in his mouth, but not before placing a gentle hand on my lower back, just for a couple seconds. A small sign of affection, like he needed the physical touch to soothe himself, to soothe me. My heart fluttered at the sensation. Ivy had her back to us as she drained the potatoes in the sink, ready to add to the goose fat lined tray; her perfect homemade roasties.

“Erm… I think we’ve got this.” Ivy spun around as Nate stepped away from me and towards her to look over her shoulder at the steaming fluffy potatoes. He handed her some spices she had on the side. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to refocus on the vegetables.

A trivial sigh escaped me, in relief that she had rejected his help so he could disappear, or so I would have hoped.

“Actually, can you make Mum’s honey glaze for the carrots and parsnips? You make it so much better than me,” she pouted as she finally shifted her attention from the potatoes to him. He accepted in a heartbeat and grabbed the ingredients from the cupboards as Ivy placed his tools on the counter opposite me.

I internally rolled my eyes. There was just no escape. Even subconsciously Ivy was pushing us together as if our destiny was inevitable. I made quick eye contact before continuing with the chopping. My mind was all over the place, seeing him made it hard for me to think straight. To make a decision I knew I would have to make soon. We hadn’t spoken since the Christmas market and I felt awkward inside. It felt like he was purposely trying to be in my bubble.

Cautiously, I studied him as he whipped up the famous glaze. He looked at home in the kitchen, another surprise I didn’t know. His strong hands worked the whisk, delicately combining the ingredients into a sticky consistency.

His Rolex hit the sunlight, illuminating it, drawing my attention back to the token I had possession of once upon a time, when all of this was simple.Oh, how I wish we could go back to simple.

He dipped his finger in the mixture bringing it up to his mouth for just a taste.Fuck. Just a taste. His words from a previous sexy encounter flashed back in my mind. My body heated up as I watched him moan at how delicious the sauce was. Knowing other times he'd had that reaction. I was trying to stay mad at him but it was becoming a losing battle.

My breathing picked up as I thought back to that first time, I was drawn to the man in front of me, before feelings made things complicated. I felt like my body was on fire, heating up to the point I couldn’t cool down, the events in my mind causing me to fluster. I tried to blank it from my mind and focus on thejob I had been delegated, to push Nate to the back of my mind. I was the one who had called for space, to pause this. Which means it was my call if I wanted to start it up again.Did I?I shouldn’t even be thinking about this now. I needed to focus on Christmas, on Ivy, on something other than him but how could I when he was right in front of me…

“Ouch!” I jumped back startled, a red line started to peak to the surface of my skin before pouring out thick red liquid. Nate's eyes widened with alarm, Ivy oblivious as she focused on the trio of meat she was glazing; Turkey, Gammon and Beef.

I pushed my way to the sink to inspect the small incision, wincing at the pain as the water hit the wound. My other hand balanced me on the sink as I tried to ignore the blood-stained water running down the drain. Nate dropped everything, rushing to my side before instructing Ivy to grab the first aid kit.

“Shit, Gi are you okay?” She asked, placing the hot tray back in the oven, before snatching the first aid kit from the top of the fridge and coming to the sink to peek.

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