Page 54 of Yours, Truly

Why am I not surprised to come face to face with another notch on his bedpost?

I tried so hard not to be jealous, it wasn’t the right time but it seemed all of Nate’s favourite places had one of his one-night stands. Was this what he did when he was hurting?

I felt sick, again. She had the same features as the flight attendant, and I was the complete opposite. He had a type and it just wasn’t me. My anxiety dripped information into my brain, trying to paint a bad picture of Nate.

“Still here?” he said coldly, as he noticed me staring between him and Olive.

“I’m going to go before you say something you regret Nate. I know you're hurting but you're being an asshole!”

“The only thing I regret is…” he spat, but stopped himself when he saw the hurt in my eyes.

“Say it Nate,” I whispered, knowing full well what he wanted to say. I had already convinced myself and the way he acted right now supported that, I just needed him to say it out loud.

“If I wasn't with you, I would have been with Mum before she died. I didn't get there in time because I spent all evening fucking you,” he announced. His words stung and I was speechless.

“Fuck you!” I said, holding in the tears. I started to walk away from him, he softly seized my arm and pulled me back towards him. I froze, not wanting to face him. I didn’t care if he was grieving, he was an arsehole.

“Gi! I’m sorry. That was unfair,” he said, but right now sorry wasn’t enough. Emotions were high, I had spent the day with Ivy, tried to track Nate down, found him, met another one of his women and was now being blamed for him missing the chance to say goodbye to his Mum. I couldn’t take any more.

“No, Nate. Find somewhere else to sleep tonight. Maybe you can stay with Olive.” I threw it back at him. I removed his gripfrom me and walked out the bar. I needed to be by myself and not be pulled into everyone’s shit.

I got myself home to my apartment and cried. I stabbed the fuck out of a microwave lasagne as I hadn’t eaten all day. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. As I waited for the microwave to ping, I played Nate’s words in my head. My heart was torn from my chest that he would put the blame on me.

I hadn’t even processed Carol’s death myself, she was like a second Mum to me and I spent so much time with her. I was best friends with Ivy, years before I even knew Nate, and he had no idea about my own relationship with her and how much I would miss her. That it hurt like hell right now for me too.

She gave me so much amazing advice over the years, she treated me like her own daughter and it was going to be so different now. Not only had her death affected Nate and Ivy, it also affected me too. I couldn’t breathe, I sat in silence and I allowed this pain to consume me.

38

GRIEF COMES IN WAVES

The rollercoaster of emotions continued a week after Carol’s death. I hadn’t seen or heard from Nate after the run-in that day. He didn’t call or text, he didn’t come round. It seemed like he had just disappeared. Even his boss called me, asking if I had an update on Nate, as he was due to return to work.

As romantic as it was that he had listed me as his emergency contact, I also wasn’t his keeper when he decided to avoid responsibilities. And to be honest I didn’t know what was happening with him, or with us as a couple. He was probably out somewhere using alcohol to soothe his pain, falling back into the old habits he had overcome. That could potentially mean he was fucking others, while I waited at home for him, like some naive idiot. This could be the end of us, no second chances.

I wasn’t going to be his plaything to pick up and drop when he wanted. And I prayed to God that he hadn’t slept with that barmaid again. He knew where I was and he had yet another apology to make, not just to me, but to Ivy too.I was mad that he just left her at the hospital that day. That he hadn’t bothered to check in with her since.

I had checked in with Ivy everyday since and she seemed to be doing a lot better, Jude and her were sorting the funeral. Her dad, just like Nate, had disappeared, leaving Ivy to deal with this. After I left him at the bar, I stayed in bed for the next two days replaying the same conversation in my head before I decided I wasn’t going to be that insecure wreck anymore, listening to the voices in my head, both Nate’s and my own with anxiety that it was my fault. Because it fucking wasn’t.

I joined a yoga class that I did every day and it really helped my mind, it calmed the anxiety and I left feeling good. I also took myself for a morning run around the city park before it got too warm, breathing in the fresh summer air, before the humidity kicked in.

I was glad it was coming towards the end of June as the sun came up early, meaning I could go for a run at 5am if I couldn't sleep. After lunch, I got started on my business and with that I worked into the night.

I decided on a name, ‘Gigi Henley Promote’, and a logo that combined the letters GHP. I was super excited and I was glad for the new focus. I had gone back to my old habits of working most of the day as that was all I had right now.

One evening, I got sick of sitting in the apartment and decided to go into town. I wanted to go dancing and enjoy my night, it had been a while since I did that. So, I got myself dressed in agorgeous skin tight red dress, my killer heels and red lipstick and was ready to go to the club.

I had messaged the old work chat to see if anyone else was up for it. Jennifer responded and so did a couple others. We decided to hit the streets of London and drink and dance the night away. We bar crawled all over Westminster and Embankment until we hit a familiar bar, ‘The Nightingale’. Anxiety leaped in my chest but I decided to go anyway with the girls.

We began to dance around in the sea of bodies, just us girls letting loose after a couple of shots. A couple guys gave me attention and bought us drinks and to hell with it we accepted, it was a cheaper night for us. And then, I saw him. Nate.

He looked like he hadn’t moved from that spot for the past week. The beautiful brunette Olive leaned over the bar as she poured the drinks, having a conversation with him. My heart sank. So that’s where he had been all week.

Well fuck you, Nate. While I’d been going crazy with worry, being there for his sister and dealing with this myself, he was drunk again, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he was fucking it all out of his system with the beautiful barmaid.

On purpose, I wandered to the bar, just a small distance from them and ordered another drink. Nate’s eyes darted in my direction as the hot male bartender, with a man bun and brown eyes, poured me a drink. I leaned over the bar, pressing my cleavage and said something to him, not taking my eyes off Nate.

It was louder in here tonight as they had a themed night which contrasted the usual quiet atmosphere. Nate’s eyes darkened. I gave a sweet smile to the bartender as he gave me the drink on the house.

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