Page 42 of Yours, Truly

be there. I’m sorry you had to go through that Gi. Nate has left with Mr Cato now. On Monday we will have a staff meeting and close down. You, me and Jen. Message me when you're home.”She hugged me once again and left with Jennifer. Leaving me with my thoughts, my body finally allowing the tears to stream from my eyes. I decided I needed the comfort of my own home. I didn’t have it in me to talk about this anymore and I knew Nate was angry and would demand answers. But sometimes, some things are better left buried.And forgotten.

31

THE AFTERMATH

I got myself home, brushed my teeth and spent a good hour in the shower scrubbing myself clean, trying to get rid of the dirty mark that was now imprinted on me.The Victim.

I cried, letting the water wash it down the drain. It was only now I realised that I hadn’t dealt with it at all, and neither did the company; I trusted them.

Nate did try to call a couple times but I let the calls go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk about this again, I didn’t want to rehash the details or worse, for him to give me a look of pity.What if he saw me as just a victim now? What if this would change the way he saw me or his feelings for me? I am tarnished.

I changed into the comfiest clothes I owned; an oversized sports hoodie and my yoga pants. I closed all the curtains, blocking the sunlight from entering and brightening my day. I wanted darkness, I wanted to fade into it.

I grabbed my best friend from the freezer; Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough. I needed something to soothe theaching in my throat, to fill the empty pit of my stomach and ice cream was comfort. I wrapped myself in the blanket on the sofa and ate my feelings, alone in the dark room, hidden away from the world. And in the aftermath of emotions, it now dawned on me, I had lost my fucking job too.

More tears fell as I scooped the ice cream into my mouth, sobbing at the same time as eating.What was I going to do?I hadn’t planned this far ahead.

A feeling of overwhelm consumed me. The fear only added to the already high levels of anxiety, it was now completely out of control and spiralling. My brain pulls me into hundreds of thoughts and scenarios on top of the chaos that was already present.

I wasn’t sure how long I had stayed like this; it could have been hours. I was pulled out of my trance by a light knock on the door. I really hoped it was Ivy. I just wanted my best friend. I missed her so much and I couldn’t stand being apart anymore. I hated the lies and secrets. I felt so lost that I wasn’t sure what to do. Ivy had always been the ray of sunshine, the voice of reason. But she wouldn’t have known about the case unless Nate told her; then he would have had to confess everything and I don’t think he did. Another knock, I pushed the blanket off me, popped the empty ice cream container on the table and answered the door.

Nate greeted me, standing on the other side of the door, my eyes lit up as I saw him. He looked a mess, with a pizza box inhis hand. His hair was all over the place, his blazer a little crinkled and his knuckles… Bloody.

I don’t know what the fuck had happened but I just needed him to hold me. My eyes watered and my lip trembled, within seconds I broke. Falling to my knees in front of him and crying uncontrollably yet again; God knows how many times I had this afternoon alone.

He leaned over, placing the pizza box on the cabinet by the door and crouched down to pick me up off the ground. I locked my arms around his neck and cried into his chest as he got me to my feet, before backing me into the apartment away from nosy neighbours and closed the world out again. He flicked the light on so he could see, and he just held me in his arms letting me cry it out. A hand pushing my head to him, running down the length of my hair as it sat messy, not even dried from the shower or straightened.

As soon as I was calm, I looked up at him. He wiped away my tears and planted a soft kiss on my forehead, followed by a dozen more.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. I could feel he wanted to cry but he held it together. “I'm so sorry,” he repeated, kissing my forehead again, his voice cracking just a fraction but I could tell he was holding himself together.

“It’s okay,” I managed to get out, even if it was just above a whisper. I pulled back and looked up at him. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling. “I wanted to tell you.”

“I know, baby. And I know you couldn’t. This is why you didn’t want me to take the case, isn't it?” Realisation hit him as helooked into my eyes. I bit my lip nervously and nodded. He looked away, sighing, and I could tell he was angry, not with me but with himself. For taking the case and representing a criminal who had hurt the woman he loved.

“Nate it’s okay, you didn’t know,” I reassured him. I took his hands in mine and that’s when my mind remembered his bloody appearance. “What happened?” I asked, looking at his knuckles, concerned. His eyes snapped back to mine, he didn’t say a word.

“You didn’t!” I shouted, when I finally figured it out. He had beaten the shit out of Cato, that’s why he went with his client.

“I can’t disclose what happened. As much as I love you, it's better you do not know, but Mr Cato had an ‘accident’. That’s the story.” I knew this wasn’t the truth but had to trust him on this.

“Nate, you could lose your job! What were you thinking?” I was surprised, as I ran to the sink to grab a wet cloth and clean his wounds, alongside the dried blood smudges.

“I wasn’t thinking, Gi. I can't believe he did that to you. I wanted to kill him for ever touching you, he admitted what he did in every… detail,” Nate gritted through his teeth.

My eyes looked up at him, alarmed. I didn't want him to know the details. He looked disturbed.

“He told me what he wanted to do to you and I fucking lost it, Gi.” The anger radiated off him as I cleaned the blood off his hands.

I nodded; I don’t condone violence but the fact that he haddone this for me, it meant everything. Nate’s hands balled into fists like he was remembering everything that was said. I needed to distract him before he darted out the door to finish the job he started.

“You brought dinner?” I asked, nodding at the pizza box on the counter. He nodded.

“I figured you hadn’t eaten much and everything you have has probably come back out.” He guessed correctly, as embarrassing as it was, I had to agree.

He grabbed the box and nodded to the sofa where he sat, and opened it up for me. He had ordered a pepperoni with added pineapple as he knew how much I loved pineapple on pizza, despite Nate hating it and complaining every time we ordered. He removed the pineapple off his and placed it on mine. We took small bites and ate in silence. Not knowing what to say but the silence was comfortable and needed.

I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t need to. Mr Cato had told Nate everything word for word which made it easier not having to repeat but it scared me not knowing what was going on in Nate’s mind.

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