Page 23 of Yours, Truly

“What's your problem, old man?” Nate said, throwing his cutlery down on the plate, his eyes not breaking his gaze from his Dad.

“You know the problem, boy!” His Dad gritted his teeth before taking another sip of his alcohol.

“Mark. Stop.” Carol scolded, fear in her voice. Jude pulled Ivy closer and I kept quiet not wanting to get involved in this.

“No, it's okay Mum. I want to hear what he has to say. The reason why I can't be around my family,” he addressed her, softly placing a hand on hers before addressing his dad. Reality hit me, I was beginning to see more, this perfect family front I had seen was just like my own family. Picture perfect on the outside and deeply wounded and dysfunctional behind closed doors.

My heart broke as I watched the interaction between him and his father, anger overtaking him.

“Always the disappointment!” his Dad spat, pushing for a response.

Nate fought for control to keep his cool but ended up losing it. I could feel the blood boiling beneath the surface.

“Fuck you!” He shouted, banging his hand on the table, startling me. Despite seeing Nate angry before, when he had been mad at me that morning Ivy almost caught us and I called his bullshit, this was another level. Anger laced with years of pain.

“There's the real Nate! None of this fake shit in front of yourMum and sister.” His Dad looked amused that Nate had given into him. Mark was trying to assert his dominance in the household. Ivy let a tear slip as she watched the battle unfold between them. Carol was glaring daggers at Mark, who continued.

"You think you're the shit with your luxury job, luxury apartment, luxury car. But you disappear and reappear when it suits you. I’m sick of this fake Nate, when really you are just a powerless waste of space,” his Dad spat. “The shit I've had to bail you out of over the years and yet you have no respect for me."

My heart broke, watching the hurt creep over Nate’s face, like he was a scared little boy, the mask had slipped just enough for me to see. He took a breath, composing himself, throwing a split-second glance towards me before looking around at Ivy, who was snuggled into Jude’s side now crying, his mum’s tears and anger on the surface.

I truly felt alone in this situation. I wanted to reach out and comfort him but that would give everything away. This wasn’t my business.

“Respect is earned,father,” he growled, a little breathy, his knuckles balling into fists.

“Damn right it is. You’re a spoiled, selfish bastard, Nate.” His father’s words stung me, so I couldn’t begin to imagine how they made Nate feel. The words rang in my head.You're a real selfish bastard, Nate.My exact words, very similar to the words his Dad used now.

How often did this situation occur? The harsh words directed at him? Is this why Nate never spent time with his family, why Ivy hadn’t mentioned him before? This was the reason why Nate reacted the way he did towards me that day, this was a trigger for him. I froze in place, now knowing why he got angry, I had become his Dad in that situation. I hurt him, really hurt him.

“Fuck you! You’re a bitter old man. Mum and Ivy deserve so much better than you.” Nate pushed away from the table, throwing his napkin down, before grabbing his jacket and leaving. Dinner was over. Silence filled the room except for the sound of Ivy crying into Jude, completely broken by the situation we were in. Did she witness this as a child?

“I should go,” I whispered, wanting to leave them to deal with the aftermath. “Thank you for dinner.” I cleared my throat, grabbing my things quickly and left the house not wanting to look back.

I pulled my jacket on as I walked round the block to my car. Nate was standing by his car, he hadn’t left yet. This was a sign. “Nate,” I said softly, approaching him cautiously. Placing an arm on his to reassure him, surprised when he let me.

“Don't, Gi,” his voice calm and controlled but anger still present in his eyes. My eyes glazed over as I studied him, not sure what to say. I wanted to pull him close, but my gut was telling me not to. I couldn’t even begin to understand what that was back at the house, let alone what to say or do to help him.

What did Nate need? He’d handled my situation with Brie so well. And now it was my turn to do the same.

“Nate… that wasn't your fault,” I said gently.

“Gi, you don't know me,” he said, coldly, his icy tone matching the chilly winter air around us. He was fighting back tears, gritting his teeth. He stared right through me. “Just go home…please".”

“You're right, I may not know you, not fully. But that wasn't you. Okay?” Hesitating, I placed my hand on his cheek, and for a miniscule moment he leaned into my touch and eased but when he noticed his mask slip, a flip switched inside him. He pushed my hand away, laughing through his anger.

“Thatwasme, that's who I am Gi! So, stop trying to make me out to be this… this perfect man. You need to stop acting like this…” he pointed to the closeness between us “...like we are a couple. We aren't and we never will be.”

His words stung and, just before this moment, I thought I had made my choice, about wanting to give this time, hoping Nate would want to make this something. But his response was crystal clear. Another reminder from him that this would never be anything more, the hope ripped out of my chest.

“I’ve let this go on for too long,” he admitted. “I wish I’d never made this go further. It should have stayed as a one off. This was a mistake.” And there it was. A tear slipped down my cheek and I nodded. Now I was being the cold one in response.

“I agree. I’m done.” I confessed. I was tired of fighting him, fighting for something he clearly didn’t want. I needed to move on. Relief washed over me, like a dark cloud shifting. I swallowed the pain in my chest. His eyes met mine, hard asstone, but with a hint of regret. I turned my back on him and drove home.

18

BROKEN HEARTS & VOIDS TO FILL

Boxing Day…also known as my family Christmas and drama part two. As if yesterday wasn’t bad enough, I now had a second dose with my own family. I hated family gatherings. My anxiety was giving me nausea this morning. Keeping breakfast down wasn’t an option.

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