Page 86 of First Comes Forever

“Yeah,” I say, matching his incredulousness. “Thank you for that reaction.Fucked up, right?She used my pick.”

Chase rises, scooting his chair out. “Want to call Jay, Mark, and Cici? Let’s go grab a beer or something. It’s been a while since we had a guys’ night.”

I stand as well, my chair screeching as it drags against the marble floor. “You want to invite Cici to a guys’ night?”

“She’s an honorary dude.”

I laugh as we head to the door. “Don’t tell her that unless you want to get punched in the throat. And anyway, I can’t. I have to get to Amani’s. Please don’t tell anyone about that, by the way.” I pause as I reach for the door handle. “Especially not Noa. Amani will kill me.”

Chase clasps his hand around my shoulder. “Believe me, if Noa were to take my call, you’d be the last thing we’d speak about.”

“Fair enough.”

Chase lets out a long exhale as he trails behind me down the long hallway, past all the executive offices. “It’s Friday, though. I know exactly what she’s doing.”

“What’s that?” I ask over my shoulder as we head to the elevators. Chase beats me to the button, pressing the down arrow. Funny, this is the exact spot I met Noa almost five months ago.

“Noa, Amani, and the rest of their friends have this long-standing tradition. Every Friday night, they get together and order these tasty curry pastry things. Samosas, I think? They make that wine with the fruit in it—”

“Sangria?” I ask.

“Yep. Then they watch reruns ofSex and the City. Except they don’t really watch it. They put it on in the background and talk over the show.Every single Friday night.” Chase laughs. “When I was living with Noa, I’d hide upstairs. There’s only so much Mr. Big drama a man can take, you know?”

I laugh to myself, picturing Chase at a girls’ night as the elevator doors open and we step in. Noa must’ve really had him whipped.

“I wonder why Amani never mentioned it.”

“Well, she’s the odd man out living in L.A. now. They’re cult-like about their Friday nights, though. I’m sure she misses it,” Chase says.

And just like that, in case it’s bad news…

I know how to cheer my girl up on a Friday night.

twenty-three

The clear shower doors fog over with steam as I turn the water temperature to scalding. I tried to nap, wanting to escape the disappointment from my appointment this morning for a few hours, but sleep eluded me.

I snagged a eucalyptus-mint shower steamer from one of the PR boxes I received months ago. It was from a new wellness company that I never ended up partnering with. They still insisted on sending it as a gift, even after I told them I was slowing down on social media. Nothing is ever free, though. The guilt has been eating away at me. The company spent good money on the pretty box and they will not see any sort of return on their investment in me. This box, filled with full-sized product samples, has to be worth over two hundred dollars. But there’s nothing I can do for them. I can’t help their business succeed. I can’t get anything to work properly in my life right now.

Still, I’m enjoying my minty spa shower, promising myself that when I have the money to, I’ll purchase more bath and body products from the company. I couldn’t force their products into social media relevance, but at least they have a new dedicated customer for their kindness.

Lathering my loofah with body soap, I gently run the sponge over my shoulders, my arms, over my breasts, down my stomach. I try to be gentle and kind to my body in case spiritual energy is a real thing. All I’ve done over the past year is berate my body for failing me. It’s not kind. I haven’t given my body any credit for what it’s endured.

Perhaps a baby isn’t a possibility, but over the past year, I’ve endured some challenging things. IUI wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as IVF. However, the back-to-back disappointment, feeling like a failure because I couldn’t get the damn pee stick to read “positive,” was psychological warfare.

IVF has been psychologicalandphysical warfare. I’m trying not to complain because at least this is an option. Even if it’s a slight chance, there’s still a chance. How many women don’t get to say that? So I’ve been trying to ignore the nausea, fatigue, the drastic lifestyle changes, and the mental stress of desperately trying to control something that is mostly out of my control.

But today was heartbreaking. Even Dr. Michel couldn’t hold his poker face together at my appointment. He was disappointed, too, and I found solace in that. I know he’s getting paid the big bucks to care, but it’s nice to know he understands my frustration. I’ve been a model patient for a year now. Shouldn’t I have my reward?

Once my skin is well past pruney and I’m lightheaded from the steam, I turn off the shower. I see my phone lit up with notifications as I pat my body dry with my fluffy oversized bath towel.

There are two texts from Adam spaced a half hour apart.

Adam

Don’t be alarmed. I’m in the kitchen. Used my key.

Babe, your skin is going to fall off if you stay in the shower any longer. Come out here. I brought a special dinner.

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