Page 83 of First Comes Forever

Amani drops her jaw. “No way,” she says. “You’re going to break your no food in the car rule for me?”

I turn my head to look her in the eyes. “Summer girl, I’ve been breaking all my rules for you since the day we met. I’m not about to stop now.”

twenty-two

Irub the colorful Band-Aid on the inside of my elbow. All they had today was My Little Pony Band-Aids, which I find very odd for a fertility clinic. So Pinky Pie in a technicolor apple orchard is taping down the soiled gauze. The nurse had a hard time getting my vein to behave and had to poke me several times.

I came to my appointment alone today. I know I should’ve told Adam about my appointment. He would’ve dropped whatever he’s doing today to be here, but it was already too much pressure. If it’s not good news, I don’t want to see the disappointment on his face.

The statistics are saying it’s a long shot, but Adam is full of naïve optimism. I don’t care how much he believes in my uterus. Numbers are numbers. Facts are facts.

Dr. Michel’s goal was to retrieve thirty eggs. He only retrieved twelve. Of those twelve eggs, only eight were mature enough to proceed to the next step. Of those eight mature eggs, only four were successfully fertilized. And of those four embryos, we lost two to chromosomal abnormalities.

Two. That’s it.Two chances to be a mom.

I would normally scroll social media to pass the time, but I’m disinterested these days. The only voice I want in my head right now is my own… Well, maybe one other. Pulling out my phone, I call Adam.

“Hey, baby,” he answers on the first ring. “I’m with Chase at LMC. Our meeting is about to start if I have to let you go suddenly.”

“Don’t call me ‘baby’ in front of Chase,” I hiss into the phone.

He clears his throat. “He doesn’t knowwhoI’m calling ‘baby.’ Anyway, where are you? Your voice is echoing.”

“I’m out for an errand,” I admit.

“You’re supposed to be home, stress-free, resting and relaxing. What do you need? I’ll bring it to you after my meeting.”

“I’m at the fertility clinic. They just did the pregnancy blood test. I’m waiting for the results.”

“Amani,” he scolds. “You told me it wouldn’t be until next week.”

“I’m sorry. I needed some space and to face this alone. It’s so much pressure.” I press the phone tightly against my face.Please don’t be mad, Adam. I just want support right now.

“Okay, I understand. But if you want space, why are you calling me?”

I bite the inside of my cheek as I debate. It’s a fair question. “I guess because I changed my mind. Can you teleport on over here?”

He lets out a breathy chuckle but doesn’t sound amused. “I would’ve moved this meeting had I known. But now… The director and producers are on the way. I’ll be pissing off a lot of people if I leave.”

“I know, I know. I’m kidding. You wouldn’t make it in time anyway. I just didn’t want to sit here waiting alone.”

“Okay, well, I have a few minutes to keep you company. What do you want to talk about?”

“What if it’s negative?”

Adam must cover the phone with his hand because his voice suddenly sounds muffled. I can’t quite make out what he’s saying, but it sounds like he’s telling Chase he’ll be right back. Then there’s the distinct sound of a door slamming shut.

“If it’s negative, Amani, we try again. We have another embryo, right?”

I love the way he says “we.” It’s not his baby, but every time we talk about it, it’s “us” and “we” and “ours.” Does he even understand what he’s offering when he says these things?

“What if this time, and the next time, is negative? What if this simply doesn’t happen?”

“Good question. What if it doesn’t?”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I…” I exhale. “I don’t want to go back to how I was feeling when I first moved here, when I was chasing things I hated and felt so unstable.”

“You don’t have to. I think—” Adam stops and addresses someone who must be passing by him. He says something like “nice to see you” and “I’ll be right in” to whoever just arrived.

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