Page 77 of First Comes Forever

“Because I was living in this delusion, that if I said the right things and did the right things, I could control the outcome. Some people are nasty and cruel because they are. Some people leave us because they do. It’s as simple as that. No matter how hard you dig your heels in and try to stop it, the world is going to keep spinning.”

“Hmm,” I murmur. “Wise, definitely. But what does that mean?”

“It means that you have a twisted way of blaming yourself for things, Adam. Liv didn’t cheat on you because you were a bad husband. Your mom didn’t leave because you weren’t a wonderful son. Sometimes life is about making mistakes, and learning from the consequences.”

How can Amani know what I’m thinking, if I don’t even know? Have I been blaming myself for the actions of others all this time?

“A mother is the biggest part of a little boy’s life. She should’ve been helping me with homework, packing lunches, teaching me how to treat a woman. Where was she when I graduated with honors—both times? She was supposed to hold me and tell me what to do when I found out my wife’s baby wasn’t mine. There were so many times she failed me.”

“Her punishment was missing out on you growing up, Adam. That’s such a shame, and I promise you it wrecked her. The guilt probably ate her up alive. But you’re not a little boy anymore, and she will continue to fail you if you don’t admit what you really want.”

“What do I really want?” I ask.

“It makes sense to be angry and to punish her until the end of time. No one would blame you. But how does all that anger feel?”

“Heavy,” I admit. “I think…I miss her. But I’m not ready to let it all go and forgive her.”

Amani straightens her leg, then rises. She stretches her arms over head before smiling down at me. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to. Baby steps.” She points to the door with the “Montgomery” name placard. “But maybe we can start with lunch because whatever they’re eating smells fucking divine.”

“It’s my mom’s Mississippi Mud Roast. She usually serves it with homemade mashed potatoes and a big dollop of this special white cheddar sauce she makes.”

“Adam, this may be the hormones talking, but I will abandon your ass in this hallway, walk in there, and make myself a hefty plate. But once I’m finished stuffing my face, we can leave, and I will resume being your loyal girlfriend.”

“You were just throwing up not two hours ago, and now you’re about to ditch me to go wolf down a roast?”

She shrugs. “Pretty much.”

“This is good foresight into what your pregnancy is probably going to look like.”

She laughs as she holds out her hand as if she could pull me to my feet. I take her hand but do most of the work, hoisting myself up.

“What do you want to do, Adam?”

What do I want to do? Maybe Amani’s right. It’s time to let it go and move forward. “I think I want to continue your food education by introducing you to the world’s best pot roast.”

She claps her hands together in glee and I highly suspect it has more to do with lunch than anything else. Rasping my knuckles softly against the door, I call out, “Dad, it’s Adam. I brought a friend.”

“Come in!” he bellows. “We have plenty of lunch to share.”

I smile at Amani one more time. “Well, I brought you to meet my dad. You ready to meet my mom, too?”

I open the door, Amani trailing right behind me.

twenty

“Amani, would you like another slice of pie?” Adam’s mom, Holly, asks me.

“Oh, no, thank you.”

“Are you sure? Maybe just a sliver?”

I smile at her from across the tiny kitchen table in Mr. Montgomery’s room. “Only if you want to see it again on your shoes.”

She chuckles sweetly. “Excuse me. I’ll admit it’s not my best whipped peanut butter pie but also not my worst.”

I hold up my palms as my eyes widen. “Oh my gosh, no! I didn’t mean it like that. It’s delicious. I meant I’m far too stuffed and a little queasy these days.” I pat my belly.

In unison, Adam’s mom and dad both perk up in their seats. Adam notices and quickly clarifies, “Amani is undergoing IVF. She’s queasy from the hormone treatments.”

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