Page 80 of First Comes Forever

“Sparing you the painful details, let’s just say I had some dark thoughts that I couldn’t overcome. I didn’t feel like I deserved my family. My twisted thoughts told me walking away was best for everyone. So I did. And it was a long time before I sought professional help. With counseling and medication, I slowly came through the fog. But by then, I’d already lost my boys.”

The temperature of my latte is now tolerable, so I take a small sip, only to confirm that the flavor of coffee has completely lost its charm on me. I’m not even pregnant yet and everything is changing.

“Did you tell them all this?”

Holly nods. “Clay and I started talking again while Adam was in high school. Alex and I reconnected during his residency.”

“Adam didn’t know?”

Holly shakes her head. Her ruby earrings look neon when they catch a glint of sunlight from the window. “No, he wasn’t ready. I’m not sure if he’ll ever be ready, but I’ll never stop hoping. Maybe you can share my story with him.”

“Definitely not. You need to tell him.” Looking up from my latte, I give her what I intend as an encouraging smile. “He needs to see the look in your eyes when you explain what you went through.”

“What look is that?” she asks.

“Genuine. Remorseful. Hopeful. I know you left, but if after all this time you still haven’t given up hope on Adam, that’s showing up in a way, right?”

“I suppose.” Holly grabs her drink, taking more of a glug than a sip.

“Holly, may I ask—your depression? Is it gone now?”

A low hum escapes her lips and her expression becomes concerned. “It never really leaves you completely. For me, it’s always lurking in the background. If I could’ve done anything differently, I would’ve gotten help before I needed it, if that makes sense.”

“Sort of,” I say, squinting one eye. “Since you shared…um…” I thought it’d be easier to admit this out loud, but I have to force the rest of my words out. “I feel much the same sometimes. And I’m not sure if having a baby will make it better or worse.”

“Probably both.” Setting her drink back down, Holly crosses her legs and holds out both hands. I take them without hesitation, a testament to how comfortable I feel around her. “Motherhood will both make you and break you. But the important thing is that you are still independent of your baby. The problems you have before a child, you’ll carry into motherhood. The biggest mistake I made was not realizing that by taking care of myself, I would take better care of my family. Don’t learn that lesson the way I did.”

I nod at her. “Okay. Thank you.”

“All right,” Holly chirps, releasing my hands and patting against her knees. “Should we grab the boys some coffee? What kind of latte does Adam like?”

I rack my brain. “You know what? Come to think of it, I don’t know. There’s actually a lot I still don’t know about Adam.” Outside of the fact that I’m falling in love with him, of course.

“You two have been dating all summer and you still don’t know his coffee order? What do you two do together?”

I widen my eyes and stare at the ground. My cheeks are instantly warm.Don’t say sex, do not say sex.“Like movies and puzzles and stuff.”

I swear I hear her cackle under her breath.

twenty-one

“Are you tired?” Amani asks me from the passenger seat, her head resting against the window. The sun is just about to dip below the waterline. We have the prettiest view of the ocean at sunset during our drive home from Piermont, and I’m suddenly inspired.

“No, why? Are you?”

She shakes her head lazily, and it’s clear she’s lying. It’s been a long day. Amani wasn’t feeling well this morning, and we’ve spent all day at Piermont. I’m sure she wants to get into bed, but I can’t waste this view.

“It’s just you missed the exit,” she says, jutting her thumb over her shoulder.

“I realize. We’re taking a detour. I want to show you something. It’s right up here.”

Pulling off on the next exit, I take the first right, which is a dirt path blocked off by an iron gate. I don’t love driving the Lamborghini on dirt roads, but this is worth it. Pausing in front of the large white gate, I shift to park and pump my brows at Amani. “Want to break some rules?”

Her eyes light up. “Seriously? I didn’t think you had it in you, Mr. Straight-Laced.”

“Mr. Straight-Laced? Worst nickname ever.”

She smirks at me, her sleepy eyes almost at half-mast. “You said you didn’t like ‘Stalker,’ so I upgraded you.”

---