Page 63 of First Comes Forever

“I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m glad you’re here…with condoms.” I shrug.

“Hey, come here.” He holds his hand out, and once I take it, he pulls me to my feet. Glancing around the empty living room, he asks, “You moved the bed?”

I nod, then let him pull me into the bedroom. He reaches for the light switch by the door as we pass. It must be a knee-jerk reaction because the overhead light is already on. Perhaps it’s an old habit from when he used to live here. Adam guides me to the blow-up mattress and we sit at the edge, side by side. “You need some furniture,” Adam says.

“Eh, I can make due for now.”

He spreads his legs into a wide V, his knee knocking against mine, but neither of us says anything. It’s just the sound of our breathing for what seems like far too long. Except the silence is comfortable. I’m just glad he’s here. All I’d have to do is lean to my right and I’d be in his arms.

“Sex with you is always on my mind. But that’s not why I came back.”

“Then why?”

“When it comes down to it, I know you can take care of yourself, Amani. You would’ve figured it out. You didn’t need my condo or my car.”

My laugh is breathy and small. “I don’t know, they are coming in handy at the moment.”

“My point is, it doesn’t bother me when you cry. It bothers me when you cry alone.” Reaching across his body, he brushes my cheek with the tip of his thumb. “Do you want to tell me all about your bad day?”

“Heavy honesty?” I ask.

Adam raises his brows, his forehead wrinkling. “Definitely.”

“It started before I moved out here. Something switched in me. I felt so blue all the time and it became a chore covering it up around people. I was always fighting tears. My appetite went up and down dramatically. I’d lose whole days, Adam, just sleeping.”

“Why? What happened?” he asks.

I hold my palms up. “Nothing happened. I think I was on social media so much, my job finally caught up with me. Have you ever scrolled the comment section of a viral video?”

“I can honestly say I have not.”

“Go find any funny video of a baby or a puppy doing something so innocently cute and I guarantee you’ll find the scum of humanity hanging out in the comments. Everyone is a pressure cooker on high, about to blow their lids, so easily triggered by anything. It’s shocking how we can find a way to hate beautiful things.” I exhale, feeling the weight melt off my shoulders. It feels good to admit all this out loud. “It’s like I woke up one day and couldn’t stop seeing how collectively miserable the world is. It broke my heart.”

“Cici always tells Chase to post and ghost on social media. Put whatever he wants out there—after she reads and approves it of course—but don’t engage.”

“Yeah, Adam. Really think about that.” I look up, meeting his eyes. “How fucked up is it that we have to teach ourselves to detach to survive one another. We don’t talk to each other, justateach other. I have to work like a dog to stay relevant and I just want to be significant to someone regardless of my following count.”

He draws in a deep breath and releases it. “It sounds like you have really good friends. You matter to them.”

“I know. I do. But that’s a different kind of love. I wanted something of my own. Someone who reminded me of the good in this world. Someone worth fighting for even on the worst days.”

“A baby,” Adam says.

I nod. “But I don’t publicize any of this because I don’t want more opinions on my life. Faceless bots don’t need to tell me whether I should or shouldn’t be a mom, or when I need mental health counseling. Or what I should wear or what words, brands, or music I should or shouldn’t like.

“My best friend Noa gets judged for being a stay-at-home mom and not having a career of her own. My other best friend Quinn gets judged fornotbeing a mom and pouring herself into work, chasing success. We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, and I just want to shout through a fucking bullhorn that people should live their lives instead of spending so much time and energy commenting on how strangers should be living their lives.”

Adam tucks my hair behind my ear and kisses my cheek. A sweet, simple gesture to comfort me. “I had no idea it was that bad. I just don’t look.”

I try to smile, but my lips only twitch half-heartedly. “I used to be able not to look. Now I can’t unsee it. I think fixating on a baby got me through. It was my hope. Now that it’s off the table, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

He clears his throat as he stretches his legs. “Amani, money isn’t a problem for me. I could easily pay—”

“No,” I interrupt, holding up my palm. “Thank you, but no way am I bringing a baby into this world off of charity. If I can’t figure this out, it wasn’t meant to be.”

He rubs his red eyes. Poor guy looks so tired. He flew all the way back home just to hear my sob story. “Well, if you won’t let me help you, can I at least hold you?” he asks, throwing his head back, gesturing to the pillows.

“Yes, that I welcome.” I shimmy up the mattress and peel back my pink comforter before burrowing under the covers.

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